I am calling this thread making progress because I am determined that by the end of this thread I will have made some progress. I reviewed my goals thanks to some prodding by Avanti- actually I will admit I hadn't written them down the first time I read DR, I did do them "in my head" - but this time I have written them down, and breaking them into "baby steps" today, and will actively review them, reflect upon them, and measure progress on a weekly basis.
I was pleasantly surprised to see that there was some progress in 2 areas, but still, we have a long way to go.
I also want to focus on what is working. What has been helpful, what is positive, what is constructive.
Avanti said in someone else's thread "Consult your plan, not your feelings." That simple phrase packs so much wisdom and has been my mantra these last few days. (thank you Avanti!)
Another thing that is helping me is sleep. Whether I have to drink herbal tea, take an anti-anxiety pill (maybe 1-2x per week), soak in the jacuzzi, whatever I have to do I need to make sleep a priority. Our dog wakes us up at least 2x per night, a habit which strangely H encourages. Since he has been gone I broke her of this habit, with a walk right before bed and then limiting her access to water in the evening. I am holding my line on this one when H returns. Sleep makes everything else so much more manageable.
And lastly, I desperately need more help with my D. She is so emotional and explosive. I will be reviewing all of my books and notes on her issues.
So, looking for progress, with H, with D, with sleep.
You seem to have switched on to what you want to achieve, rather than simply letting things happen and that's real exciting.
Starting with the fundamentals of DB'ing is a lesson many could learn from as it is key to being successful, but so easy to overlook when all the chaos of BD surrounds you.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
It is really easy to learn to speed read Avanti. I learned at university.
In fact the faster one reads the greater the understanding.
I bought a book about speed reading about two years ago, I'm still reading it. :o)
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I just wished I had also learned to type. That is on my hit list, to learn typing.
I am shocked as your output is prolific.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I bet you can type properly Avanti, the computer generation always seems to....
Yep, one finger at a time, honest. I may have grown up with computers and used them in one way or another most days but I can't type and still look at the keyboard, rather than the screen.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Avanti, yours is deliberate and thoughtful and you are softly spoken. I do wish we had avatars on the board. A posting system which is more like second life, wouldn't that be amazing.
Soften spoken, yes, deliberate and thoughtful, yes, not slow though, I rattle off sentences quite quickly and have to check myself sometimes to ensure I don't get ahead of everyone in the conversation.
You strike me as having an authoritative voice, with compassionate tonality and a relaxed rhythm.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
You seem to have switched on to what you want to achieve, rather than simply letting things happen and that's real exciting.
Starting with the fundamentals of DB'ing is a lesson many could learn from as it is key to being successful, but so easy to overlook when all the chaos of BD surrounds you.
Thank you Avanti, I owe you my change in attitude. I was getting stuck before, and you gave me the push I needed. I was "letting things happen" and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I have started telling H during MC that I am not willing to stay "stuck" anymore, and moving forward, that much I know intellectually I need to do, just don't know how to actualize it. My H is very stuck, he is the definition of "stuck" and regardless of DB or any marital issues, someone has to make some progress for the sake of my kids, as well as for my own sake.
It is kind of you suggest it was anything to do with me, I see it more as you being ready to listen and I got lucky with the timing. I'll take your praise anyway as it feels good to know you've helped someone and you know that feeling well don't you Photoka, because you reach out to help so many, so often.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Very proactive [hate that term - too business speak - but it fits]. I wouldn't worry too much about H (other than letting him take the dog if it reverts back to waking you up in the middle of the night).
On your D, how much one-on-one time to the two of you get? If you are mostly parenting alone with all your kids (which is my impression), you may want to try finding a baby sitter [or even better have your H spend some real time with the other 2], and having one-on-one with each of them, but esp. your D. It has to be something she wants, on her terms. Your goal is to just give her the time and attention she clearly needs on her terms. Nothing else. Just you and her. Don't worry if she doesn't open up, or mopes around about having to 'go out w/ mom.' She doesn't really mean that, but she'll be wanting to feel like she is in control - good practice for any R, actually. After a few times (or possibly many more unfortunately, depending on how badly she is hurting and how stubborn she is), she'll eventually open up a bit. You two will connect a bit more. She'll likely regress a bit too, but just keep at it. She'll be looking for you to back out or otherwise let her down. She'll test you. She'll want to see if it is for real. You'll have to give the other kids special time too, but they will likely not worry that it is not fair if you can arrange time w/ your H, but your D will. She wants to be special. They do too, but not in that same way -at least not at the moment hopefully. Enlist your H, as he clearly wants relief from your D. Sort of a 'here, you take the other two, while I work with the D to hopefully help her deal w/ her sitch, which should help us all.' You're taking one for the team from his perspective.
Happy hunting!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
As, thank you for always giving me such well thought out and caring responses.
I actually get a lot of one on one time with my D. She has an abbreviated school schedule because of her health issues, so she is home an hour and 40 minutes earlier than the boys. We usually spend this time together, well, 4 days a week because Mondays I take S to counseling. I also always take her out for a couple of hours on Saturday. She opens up to me and tells me everything, I actually know everything going on in her life, we are very close. Her hopes, fears, ups and downs, who "likes" who at school, every detail of teenage gossip. She is fun loving and very open with me. But then that is interrupted every 5 minutes by an explosion of anger because I yawned, or breathed, or touched my face which triggers these reactions in her. She will scream at me "You are so nasty" and then go back to whatever it was she was talking about. It wears me out. If I can ignore it we have a nice time, but it really is awful.
I can leave my boys home alone for up to 2 hours during the day, they love it and my neighbor and I always watch out for each other's children so there is always someone close by in case they need an adult. My H is not home much, and when he is he does not interact with the boys. He is always "working." Always.
My H also thinks I spend too much time with D. He thinks that by taking her out, talking to her, etc, I am encouraging her behavior and she should be punished and in her room. I believe that she needs to stay in the "world" and not hiding in her room, that is what happened last year and she was getting suicidal. I do address every incidence of disrespect, H thinks I should stop because she is still disrespectful so it is not working, I think she is a teenager and I am not going to stop talking to her. Eventually my words will sink in. Or not, but I am not going to stop trying. She is in therapy and sees a psychiatrist, and we are starting family therapy again, but without H because he will be traveling. Her dr. increased her meds on Friday so I am hoping that will help her. I am never going to give up on her, H has given up on her a long time ago.
Also, as far as the dog. She is noisy and wakes me up as well as H, and I am a light sleeper and it takes me a long time to fall back asleep, I am pretty sure she also wakes up S11, because he usually comes into my room at the same time the dog is needing to go out. It just adds to the overall stress level in the house, having her barking a couple of times a night. And H travels so much, so whenever he is gone for more than a few days I retrain her to not go out at night, and his first night back he gets up with her and then I have to deal with her again the next time he travels. I think it is safe to say that this dog wakes me up 2x per night every night. Kind of like having a new baby in the house but for 7 years.
I woke up around 3 am last night and could not fall back asleep. And it wasn't the dog's fault either. I am exhausted and I think we are all getting a virus that is going around. H is coming home tonight around midnight.
it almost sounds like your D has modified tourettes. Even if she hasn't could you consider that these explosions aren't actually triggered by anger at you but disrupted thought patterns. Modified because there are no tics.
Teenagers sometimes get this, (mainly boys, I understand) as part of their developing brain structure. Its all to do with the way the amygdala functions, I fostered a boy with a version of this. Add http, this is an old post, there may be something newer on it.Lack of sleep wont help either.
