I Need Help - My wife is asking for a divorce

[Azzork]

Well she went to church with me and the kids, but she wouldn't let me hold her hand or touch her.

Have you read Sandi's rules? Why are you pursuing her like this?

The weird thing is, I haven't really done anything to her as far as I know, so I don't know exactly why she is behaving this way. It all started yesterday, as I mentioned above.

It didn't START yesterday. I like to think of these situations like a lake freezing upside down. There's a ton of freezing under the surface over a long period of time. By the time we notice it, the entire lake is a huge [censored] block of ice.

So, what did you contribute to your marriage(s) that contaminated them? How are you going to fix it?

What can I do?

Have you done the HW? I'd start there.

[ken5140]

You're right, it didn't start yesterday. She has been very upset with me before for little things. She gets upset easily.

I know that I am part of the problem. I know that I am not perfect. I am more interested in sex than her. I want sex in the mornings and she doesn't, so we made a compromise about which days are mine and which days are hers. And although she is permissive on my days, she still complains about it.

I had a very similar problem in my last marriage. But my current marriage is complicated by another problem. My ex is very demanding and my wife thinks I let her walk all over me. I understand now that I need to take a stand with my current wife and not pay heed to my ex. And I need to stand up better to my ex and her husband.

I appreciate very much all the help I get on here and realize that I need to work on pursuing less. That is a so hard for me.

Today I was asking her why she wouldn't let me hug her. (That was before I read your advice.) I realize now that I should just leave her alone.

But things have gotten better. This morning, I made her breakfast, which she ate and she let me help her do her fingernails.

[Azzork]

I apologize in advance. This post may come across as tough. But thats just because I want you to succeed.

You're right, it didn't start yesterday. She has been very upset with me before for little things. She gets upset easily.

Things YOU think are little or things SHE thinks are little? And what do you mean by "she gets upset easily? Does she get upset because she feels you are indecisive, or unsupportive, or that you choose XW over her - and is this a REPEATED behavior?

I know that I am part of the problem. I know that I am not perfect. I am more interested in sex than her. I want sex in the mornings and she doesn't, so we made a compromise about which days are mine and which days are hers. And although she is permissive on my days, she still complains about it.

WHAT? You schedule having sex with her? She is permissive, gets upset, and yet, you continue? the same behavior? What are you doing to show that you care about HER?

I had a very similar problem in my last marriage.

You had the SAME problem before and didnt learn anything from it...?

But my current marriage is complicated by another problem. My ex is very demanding and my wife thinks I let her walk all over me. I understand now that I need to take a stand with my current wife and not pay heed to my ex. And I need to stand up better to my ex and her husband.

Its not about taking a stand. Its about priotizing. Theres no reason to disagree just to "take a stand". But if a request from XW comes between you and your W, it sounds like you are siding with XW to not "rock the boat". But it's causing strife in your current M. Would you say that you ever achieved any level of detachment from XW?

I appreciate very much all the help I get on here and realize that I need to work on pursuing less. That is a so hard for me.

Today I was asking her why she wouldn't let me hug her. (That was before I read your advice.) I realize now that I should just leave her alone.

Takes practice. But if I can do it, you can do it. Know that every time you pursue her, you are getting farther from your goals.

But things have gotten better. This morning, I made her breakfast, which she ate and she let me help her do her fingernails.

That sounds like more pursuit, Ken. It doesnt sound like "better". It sounds like she has you wrapped around her finger and is going to try to appease you as she decides how to proceed.

I really think you need to read the HW carefully.

[ken5140]

Don't worry about sounding tough. I need your help and appreciate it very much.

So it's wrong to have a schedule of morning sex? Should I just stop doing it? I guess I didn't know it was such a bad thing.

I think I have made some progress in detaching us from my ex. I think that in the future, I will try to avoid interactions between them and my W.

I offered to help with her fingernails because I know it's something she's quite interested in. She's always watching videos of it on her phone. So I thought it would be a good way to spend time with her to help develop the relationship. But if that is considered pursuing, I can stop offering to do things like that. To what extent should I be doing things for her?

Pardon my ignorance... but what is my HW?

[Azzork]

Sex should be the pinnacle of your emotional and physical connection with your wife. Why would treating it like an appointment or a chore be healthy, let alone romantic? How does that give her the impression that you want anything more from her than sex? Maybe you set days that's is an option...but if she doesn't want to, how is saying its "your day" increase your connection?

She said "I want a divorce". Why would you continue or start to do things for her now?

Your HW is reading all the links in Cadet's welcome post.

[ken5140]

I think I have made good progress this week. I have been leaving her alone. A few of days ago, I told her I was going to the gym and asked her, "Do you want to come along?" And she did. So we worked out together like we used to a few months ago. The next day, we went shopping together and she took my hand. She started speaking to me much more at that point. So things seem to be headed in the right direction.

[sandi2]

What is the common denominator in this M and the last one?

[ken5140]

Probably me wanting sex much more than she does. But my new W gets very angry about matters pertaining to my ex, such as child support modification.

[ken5140]

My W and I actually had a fairly good week. After leaving her alone for a few days, we seemed to be back on track. We were getting along fine and she was reciprocating my affection. Then yesterday, after having my two daughters over from my previous marriage, she said, "I'm just gonna announce right now that I'm not going to stay here in this town." She plans to move on with or without me, but I am in this area because I want to live close to my daughters. I know that she likes the weather in this area, and the shopping, but that she is not happy about her job (working at a preschool) and our living conditions. Housing is expensive here, so we live in a cheap apartment. When we first moved here, she seemed happy here. It was a good change from where we lived before where the winters were harsh. I also think she misses her friends back in her country. We are trying to save up to visit her family in December.

My daughters are well behaved and my W used to be nice to them, but since my ex accused her of causing them stress, she has essentially put up a wall between herself and them. She doesn't show them affection, and hardly even talks to them unless absolutely necessary. I think if my daughters were perfect angels, it would not make a difference. She really doesn't like when they come. It's as if they are invading her space.

[MrBond]

Backing up a bit. So this W you have now is someone you married after you got a D the first time you were here back in 2010?