Crimson: Confessions of a Former Newcomer......

[mahhhty]

Thank you Crimson. As a D'ed H, this was uplifting. Thank you.

[DifRent]

Thanks for this, Crimson. For the reminders of how long it all can take, for the hope that R is possible, and for the affirmation that either way, we need to focus on us.

[mahhhty]

Crimson,
I've been thinking about your thread a lot lately and about your decision to write letters. Did you see any benefit in writing to her?

In my situation, I have fought myself or talked myself out of communicating to the X in this way. Even though a piece of me wants to.

Any insight to your situation and choice would be helpful.

Thanks.

[Crimson]

Well -- I did not write letters if there was a hostile or negative environment encircling us at the time. And a LOT of dust had settled before I started writing. There was for sure a time when it was not the right thing to do. I waited a long time before I did, and WHEN I did there was no:

- Asking her to come back
- Begging a pleading
- Blaming or guilt
- Self pity

I just spoke about what I was learning about myself, my role in the demise of the marriage and, frankly, apoligized. That was it for the most part - maybe a few notes about what our son had been up to with me (all good). And the letters were by no means frequent. They did, however, help communicate when I was unable to. It wasn't like we were hanging out or anything.

I will say this, though - if you or anyone is in the thick of it and there if a lot of spew and bad will out there- don't write. Just don't. My guess is it really won't help much. If you are in a space where there is tranquility, a certain amount of peace from a distance -- think about it for a decent amount of time before you do it. And be willing for it to have no response or get any feedback. I surely didn't.

I chose to do it because by then, I had done a lot of work on myself and we were in a neutral place. We were both doing our own thing - but we were civil.

Hope that helps.

Crimson

[mahhhty]

It does help. Thank you. I wrote some letters during the process or the spew phases going into the divorce but she did not receive them.... They were burned. It's been 6 months since the D and almost 8 since she left. I've separated as much as possible with 2 kids. At times I get the distinct feeling I should be "dancing" but my own feelings, insecurity and lack of understanding of how or if I should communicate, get in the way.

Thanks Crimson.

[Shaky]

Crimson,

Man its been a while since I've visited this site. Really glad you have worked out your relationship.

Shaky

[SM34]

It has been a while for me too. And boy am I glad you got your family back together!! I kind of had a feeling you would

Give us an update!!