Have a walkaway wife on my hands. 20 years married, mid 40's with no kids, typical ups and downs but nothing major, hardly ever argued, generally happy. We hiked, went for walks, foodies, beer/whiskey nerds, had dinner parties with friends, and always had a date night dinner out every Friday night for 15-16 years to reconnect after busy weeks.
In May, we went on 2 week Europe vacation which went well, spent a lot of time together and some time apart doing things the other wasn't up for. When we returned at the end of May, the wife jumped into an Iron Man training regimen of 12-15 hours a week of training tossed on top of a 50 hour a week job. Whole month of June I started noticing some detachment -- cold and distant mixed in with some occasional bits of sweetness, also drinking heavier than usual ... one time blacked out on patio, sitting on the patio by herself with phone, secretive with her phone. A close friend even said later he didn't even recognize her new personality. And she wasn't telling me her training schedule, I'd find out day before. I need to know if she was going to spend 6 hours on a bike somewhere. Not that I minded, need to plan my days.
Anyway, a few weeks before we left on vacation, all the pre vacation chores overwhelmed me, she joined a new running group which required a 4am wakeup, 830 bedtime. She was taking her phone to bed to use as a "2nd alarm clock". Shortly after we returned from vacation, my culinary school trained wife said we'd be eating a lot out of boxes for the forseeable future because of her training schedule. Then she said for me to go ahead and watch the new seasons of Orange is the New Black and House of Cards by myself because she didn't have time to watch them. Both are her favorites.
Then on evening of July 2, she in bed, me about to go to bed when I hear her iPad ding. I flip up the cover and read a text message from a male friend we've known for a handful of years asking if she had given me the "talk". Reading the thread of messages revealed they'd been to lunch a time or two to discuss this. I sat up until her alarm went off at 4am and confronted her. Calmly as can be, she said she loved me but there were so many things she wants to do in life that she knows she'll never do being married to me. Such as a 2 week hiking/camping trip or two week biking trips across Italy. Says she has no interest in working on marriage, nor go to counseling.
I spent the next 4-5 days distraught. Typical chasing disbeliever.
She went to a hotel for the week. She suggested I speak with a counselor about what I was feeling. So, I met with a counselor 1 week after the "talk". We had dinner that same night. She was calm, a bit weepy eyed at times, but generally the same bubbly chatty wife I remember from months earlier. When she asked if I wanted to ask her anything or talk about anything, the counselor suggested I say "I need time to reflect, and will need time to think about what I need." And left it at that. That seemed to startle her.
She said she would be getting a 30 day corporate apartment to "sort things out". This was a change from moving into an apartment as she said she would do.
In the 2nd week of separation, she sent an email asking when my next counseling appt was, and that she had scheduled one for herself with a local church. However, I am not sure of her motives, divorce counseling or marital counseling. Now, we are at the end of our 3rd week of separation.
And by now, I've pieced it all together. A divorced adventure nut and runner in her running group started calling her 2-3 times a week, texting too, at the end of April. Developed a timeline based on credit card receipts/our text messages where we were and what we were doing and there were a few deceptive calls (on our date nights or while she was on patio). And then there were social gatherings, 3 in a month, that he was at while I was. Now that we are separated, the phone calls and texts have increased. Every night 20-30 minute call, and 10-30 texts a day.
This week, I have employed the 180/Last Resort and I have gotten some curious emails. What did I have planned for the weekend, wishing me a good day/night, her asking if I had returned to the doctor, her telling me her plans for the weekend. Always vague responses, not rude, but short. Today she picked at my vague weekend plans I told her until I told her what I was doing, she replied that she wasn't trying to be nosy, she just really wanted me to have a nice weekend ending with "I really mean that."
Should I remain patient, keep cell call logs in backpocket, keep doing Last Resort, and see how both of our counseling tracts go? Yes, I got a life too, been out with friends, doing stuff, even took horse riding lessons yesterday. Been nice not having as much to clean, laundry, etc (yes, I did most of that). But, I'm in the anger phase right now, and with all the info I have collected, I'm leaning towards telling her that I want a divorce based on the deceit, betrayal and emotional affair. However, I also know with improved communication, we'd be really good. I just know she's been heavily influenced by this whole new group of friends who are mostly divorced/single. Any advice is welcome...
Thanks! J
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm leaning towards telling her that I want a divorce based on the deceit, betrayal and emotional affair. However, I also know with improved communication, we'd be really good. I just know she's been heavily influenced by this whole new group of friends who are mostly divorced/single. Any advice is welcome...
Thanks! J
Hello, well if you know you don't want to D then don't, make sure you post your questions here, we will try and help you out, sorry you are here but you are in a good place.
I have Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting books, reading them both. 1/2 way in both, good stuff, last resort has been best so far, and best for my sanity. Easily moved me into the depressed/denial/devastating stage to angry as hell stage. But also I have been getting out and seeing people, doing things, being me again. And I have read and re-read the links in Cadet's post over the past week or so. Been doing my homework.
ILYNOT - don't want a D, for sure. But, I hate being on a rollercoaster. Wasn't raised to prolong misery in anything, rip that band-aid off fast!
3rd counseling session for me tomorrow, 2nd for her.
Had dinner with a co-worker/friend who noticed change in my wife last 2 nights who had same thing happen to him 7-8 years ago and he's been a great sounding board.
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Yes, keeping it all covert. She is moved out and each day I tuck the books away in a hiding place, and my computer's password changed when this all went down. :-)
Me - Mid 40's W - Mid 40's Married 20 No kids BD - 7/2015 ILYB... Moved out 2 days later Suspect EA
Sorry this happened dcjal, my story was very similar but I have kids and her emotional affair was with a coworker. I would recommend that you not confront her because it won't help.
You will expect her to be apologetic and sad but she will not be, and that will only add to your anger and make things worse for you.
Right now she's getting her emotional comfort and support from this other guy, so if you light into her it's only going to push them closer together and make you more of an outsider.
We are conditioned by books and movies to believe that a spouse caught cheating will be remorseful and beg for forgiveness and we imagine that it will feel great to have our wayward spouse in that place after all they've done to us. In reality they most often get belligerent and accusatory when confronted which just makes everything worse.
You will not find the peace you seek through confrontation unfortunately.
"Snooping" is *very* addictive and it keeps your focus 100% on your wayward wife which isn't going to do you any favors. As much as it [censored] your best bet is to turn your attention elsewhere and stop looking at the mobile bills and the credit card receipts.
She's going to "do her thing" no matter what you do, say, or feel about it. She doesn't need your permission or your blessing, which is a difficult thing to get your head around in the context of a relationship that used to be a partnership. It's not anymore, and the old rules don't apply.
Keep doing what you're doing. You have 0.0% chance to make this better while she is under the spell of an emotional affair. All you can do is last resort technique and ride it out. It will eventually end and at that point if you're still interested you can start to make inroads but for now it's a waiting game.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
