So like I said before hopes not gotten up. Today she let me know she was leaving this weekend to see the OM. I maintained my calm and asked her not to go, at the very least stay and get get herself ready to move out first. Once she moves out then she should go do whatever.
She got negative again, bringing up old stuff. I accepted my responsibility for those things that I know I did wrong I still remained calm.
At the end she asked me how could i be so calm. I told her I realized the way I used to act wasn't good for me or anybody and I'm working on that for me. I got off the phone first.
I did end up crying some after I got off the phone when I took a walk around the parking lot at work. I'm trying to figure out my next move. I'm trying to think what can I do this weekend that isn't sitting around moping about her running away to another state. Lats thing I want to do is lie for her to the kids but I also know I shouldn't tell them either.
Do I just go dark now? She texted me a question about our son but I don't even have the energy to respond to her.
I want to pack her stuff into boxes and put it on the street but I know that isn't a great idea either and bad for the kids.
I've contacted 2 different lawyers about a consultation on Monday and right now have had 0 reply.. GREAT time to find another one.
I'm so sorry dmbfan, it sounds like you handled it like a champ. I know your heart must be breaking, as much as we like to tell ourselves we're not getting hopes up, doesn't stop feeling something when you get kicked again.
Her asking how you could be so calm, still sounds like she's trying to read you. Let her...but I have a very good friend who went through a long R that never manifested...he would still pick up the phone and text her for years, just to see if she was paying attention still, not bc he wanted her back. Ego stroking. Boredom.
Never read more into it than this. Even my STBX, when he came home for the first day, he was shocked to see I'd taken our pictures down. He asked me why, as though he hadn't been telling me for weeks that our M was hopeless. He sounded irritated about it. I told him it was too painful to look at every day, (and I'd also told him the night before that I thought we could go slow)...he turned away with irritation, huffing and puffing. When they see evidence of our acceptance of the situation, it baffles and annoys them. How dare their caring rock be anything but a rock.
The dark question is a hard one, I think. I didn't have a healthy R to begin with, but when I went dark, my H got colder and rewrote history harder and harder. The theory goes that it's enough to bring them to their senses, self respect and time for yourself to heal, that LRT. I think with an affair situation, you have to though, otherwise you're cake eating and she's losing respect for you for still being on that end of the rope. My gut says that you go dark to her, but let her see glimpses of you being a man a fool would leave through admin, kids, social media, whatever.
Be the lighthouse I guess, just don't shine in her direction.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thanks Zelda, at this point I dont think I want to reconcile.
Things I've done since she left thursday night. 1. protected my assets leaving some money in joint account 2. told her she had to pay back any money used for her trip 3. Shutting off her cell phone 4. put her stuff in a corner of the room 5. contacted lawyers but have received 0 callbacks...a little frustrated there
Right now she came back but can barely meet my eyes. I'm trying not to be completely hostile but it is VERY hard. All I think when I see her is BETRAYER!!! She is supposed to be moving out this week. I talked to each of the stepkids and our son to let them know that I do not want them to leave and wish they could stay. I've also been talking to the DB coach today and she gave me some things to try to focus on in the short term. At this point I dont really care if going dark will make her harder or not, I'm done being her friend. She threw that away when she left Thursday night. All weekend long she was texting the kids how much she missed them, WHAT A CROCK OF [censored]! I had to bite my tongue so hard not to say "no she doesn't she chose going to see her boyfriend over you" I know that would be wrong so I shut my mouth. but I wanted to scream it out with her freaking hypocrisy!!!
I'm probably just deep in shock but I did mourn some thursday morning when she first told me she was leaving. I haven't mourned since. Since then it's been rage mixed with disgust.
Thanks again to Zelda, Sandi and all the others that have given some advice. It has helped A LOT I think it's only becaus of you guys I haven't let me emotions run off with me.
Your anger says your values have been trampled and you have been mistreated. This is a rightful emotion for this situation and it will help you get through this.
Make no mistake, there will be days when the anger slips and you will mourn. In my D support group, there was a diagram, like a ball of string, each piece of visible string labeled, "sadness, loneliness, anger, rage, vindictiveness, despair, hope, anguish, fear, denial, guilt, bitterness, jealousy, betrayal, anxiety, confusion..."
And we sat there like five year olds trying to identify and untangle all of this. It was a Christian based group and I spent most sessions trying to hide the fact that I was heathen and learn what I could. Like this board, it was helpful to know that this is all normal and there were those doing worse and those doing better, each in their own way.
What can I say? Your W sounds like a hypocrite, a real coward who doesn't deserve your love. I am glad to know your self respect and sense of anger is in tact and you've done one of the hardest things already in letting her go - it takes some of us months to get to that point, authentically.
And when you are overwhelmed with other feelings, we'll be here for you then, too. This [censored]. You didn't deserve it, but you'll be ok.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
This is strangely similar to my situation. Only difference is my W was the caregiver until her MLC and A. It truly blows. Sorry you are in the mess you are in and I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Just be sure you are making the decision with a clear head and not out of hurt or anger. Sometimes we need a good deal of time to process the insanity.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Do I just go dark now? She texted me a question about our son but I don't even have the energy to respond to her.
What is your definition of going dark? How does that work when living under the same roof and have a child together? Just asking.
The DB coach said to just stop all communication unless it has specific goals like can XYZ have sleepover or things like that. She said it'd be difficult until she moves out but don't let her engage me in conversation let her know that relationships are built on trust and she has violated that trust.
Last night I could tell she was just looking for drama, said she was dying and maybe she'd be better off dead. Also asked me if I'd be happy soon since the house would be empty. I jsut didn't reply to either remark.
