Ok so I could get my mum to phone the house and say she needs me to come over ....this is an option my ONLY concern is when we were M one of her gripes was I would always put others above her and her needs
I just think if we do go out for a meal then I am not sure where the conversation will go
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
What do you think will do more damage, you making a story up to back out of it or going and asking too much?
Why do you need to make up a story to get out of it. If you don't want to go just say you're not really up for going out to dinner. If you do go just keep your mouth shut and don't ask any R questions, STFU smoothies.
In the future YOU don't suggest doing anything together. All of this could have been avoided if you weren't pursuing, so learn from it and keep moving forward. There is a time and place for everything, sometime in the future you can invite her along for something with the kids but right now is not that time. If SHE suggests you do something together you can accept some, not all invites, but only if you can keep your mouth shut during them.
Last edited by Fogg; 07/22/1505:08 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Until you start becoming a bit more independent, stop pursuing ... stop reading into what a friends of a WAW is posting on her own FB page and attempting to read your own sitch into it ... till you have plans because your GAL that you SHOULD be doing rather than appearing available to your WAS .... you will remain just as you are .. no growth ... no movement. Again, your choice here.
By going to dinner you are showing your hand a bit "Hey I have no life to her than with you so sure I am open to last minute dinner plans" By standing up and telling her the truth "Ya know tonight really is not good for me, maybe another time" you will start showing her the backbone that you are currently working on. No need for an explanation, leave it at that and YOU end the conversation .... but you were also nice and left the door cracked for another time.
Thank you it,was more about I had asked her last week before I fully realised I was pursuing so she was saying yes to me asking her out .....but I will,see what she wants to do I do not want to make poor excuses ....and if we do go out I will make sure I do not ask any R questions
I have so so,much to learn
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Most of us only learn by making the mistake first. Its a process and takes time. Just make sure you learn from the mistake and you're heading in the right direction.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you it,was more about I had asked her last week before I fully realized I was pursuing so she was saying yes to me asking her out .....but I will,see what she wants to do I do not want to make poor excuses ....and if we do go out I will make sure I do not ask any R questions
I have so so,much to learn
Sometimes I fail to see how 'new' people are in all of this ... as my immediate reaction is typically very heavy-DB-handed.
So IF ... yes IF you accept and do dinner, be the cool fun guy, NO R TALKS ... enjoy the meal and do not get sucked in. No expectations, show a bit of confidence and enjoy your meal.
It is more the things like the holding of hands stroking of faces her feet on my legs when watching Tv having and giving hugs all the things that make one feel close and attached to another
I am missing this and would have though she would be too she used to like to snuggle and Hugg
No, you mean all the things that make YOU feel close. Notice in the quote that only one of these do not match. (Takes me back to the old Sesame Show.) Everything you mentioned that it takes to feel close (except one).....is physical touch. I'd dare say that's your primary love language. However, it may not be hers. If you've not read the book about Love Languages, do it. But please stay balanced when you read it. Most guys go way too far and start over killing right off the bat.
Quote:
Thank you it,was more about I had asked her last week before I fully realised I was pursuing so she was saying yes to me asking her out .....but I will,see what she wants to do I do not want to make poor excuses ....and if we do go out I will make sure I do not ask any R questions
I hope you have learned that it is pursuing. However.......you have set yourself up to look like a pure jerk if you start playing as if you have something else to do. Don't have your mom to call. I see all type of problems arising from that scenario. This one time, since you were the one who asked her, go out to dinner with her. No relationship talk, no questions to her, no talk of the future, etc. And.....no hand holding. You can show a great personality and that you know how to be fun. You can be a great conversationalist (without getting into no-no territory) . You do know, right?
From this point forward, do not trap yourself again.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/22/1508:31 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Managed to stay off the relationship topic for most of the evening with just chatting casually there was just one small slip up where she bought up the fact that she still felt I was not doing enough with our children she said if I ever hurt them again then she would never forgive me and she started to cry and I did hold her hand and reassure her that I had heard her words and that I was sorry for hurting her and the children by not being arround as much as I should have been
Overall I think it was a relatively fun evening relaxed and I was carefull about what I said but I have noted the comments on perusing I will not suggest another night out
Thanks
Gary
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Work on some more GAL will be speaking to tennis club about sessions they run
Will really work on the not persueing of W
Still have to work on doing more with kids
Lat night my W mentioned I still need to do more with the kids and cook my share of the meals
Living an cohabiting in the same house means that we have to be arround each other considerably more than if we were in separate houses
She is happy to cohabit for as long as everyone is happy
Does this change how we try to move things forward ?
I do realise that we are at difdifferent time zones I am giving her as much time and space a I can I realise that she may have used to want us to be close right now she wants her space I NEED TO LISTEN TO HER
Also another concern is now that it is summer holiday we both want to do things for our children some may be just me doing things some just her but also we both want to do things together with the children so this is going to mean days out and spending quite a bit of time together
What is the best way to Handle this ?P
Many thanks
Gary
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Ghost you are falling into the same trap I did recently. You CANNOT date you wife while trying to detach. I learned that the hard way. I dated my wife for two weeks then she pulled the "friend card" on me. And just to note, I thought my dinner dates went really well too. She was even initiating hugs and kisses! This is for much later when the relationship is better. A few dates with you is not going to cause her to have an epiphany all of a sudden. It took her a long time to get to this mind state. It will take a long time for her to get out of it. Stick to your guns, do not ask her out for another date.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
