Hi RosaLinda, oh boy.....I don't even know what to write?
I'm on day 74 and I am struggling, I want to runaway, I want to hurt to stop, I want to stop crying, I want to be happy in my heart again.
I feel weak, I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel no good to anyone.
I'm having SUCH a hard time to GAL it's frustrating especially in our small small town.There is not much to offer here.
My situation with my H is not getting any better but not getting any worse either. We don't text, talk or see eachother unless it's financial & about our girls that is since June 20th. I have been able to completely disconnect from him emotionally. I completely follow the babysteps I have set for myself on June 23. I have completely let him & my girls & my surroundings make their own choices & decisions without impossing my opinion on them. The last time I saw him was almost 2 weeks ago and he didn't look like himself, he looked lost, he couldn't look at me at all, he looked at the ground when we talked with our daughters, there was long awkard pauses in the conversation we were all having about our daughter's college in Sept. he didn't seem interested or unconfortable. He left without hugging me. I was holding my tears the WHOLE time he was home. This past weekend was another hard one, he introduced his girlfriend to his family & one of our daughter ( only one wanted to go)....it crushed me. I hate that I have to share my daughters with her This week on July 15 would have been our 26y wedding anniversary..... Next week, I'm on vacation for one week, I have been asking to cancel it but my employer prefers not to, I need to keep busy and my work does that for me.... I cannot wait for all my FIRST to be done so I can enjoy some aspect of my life. As far as the male friend that I had met online, we still text but nothing else. He is a good distraction to me but I won't let it go any further because he has express recently that he would want more, so I am being careful. I do find that he is just a bandaid too for me, I want to feel wanted and right now is not a good time because I need to really find ME !!
That is my update, I pushing through it, I still see my 2 therapists, I still try to trust this process, but somedays I wonder if I would take him back with everything he is doing today, I know I don't have to decide on that today but I go back & forth on that sometimes. The old H I totally would but this new H---hell no !!
Oh boy this is hard. I need a time machine to fast forward time.
Hi RosaLinda, oh boy.....I don't even know what to write?
I'm on day 74 and I am struggling, I want to runaway, I want to hurt to stop, I want to stop crying, I want to be happy in my heart again.
I feel weak, I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel no good to anyone.
I understand every single word you've written here. There is no easy way to go through this. There's nothing that anyone here can do or say to make the pain stop, to fill that emptiness you feel. All I or anyone can really do is empathize with you, tell you we all feel it too, and help you find ways to deal with it. Slowly, but surely, it does get easier - but only as you learn to control your emotions.
Originally Posted By: CindySy
I'm having SUCH a hard time to GAL it's frustrating especially in our small small town.There is not much to offer here.
Are there things you can do that don't need other people? New books, working on your home, planting a garden, a new pet, etc?
Originally Posted By: CindySy
My situation with my H is not getting any better but not getting any worse either. We don't text, talk or see eachother unless it's financial & about our girls that is since June 20th. I have been able to completely disconnect from him emotionally. I completely follow the babysteps I have set for myself on June 23. I have completely let him & my girls & my surroundings make their own choices & decisions without impossing my opinion on them. The last time I saw him was almost 2 weeks ago and he didn't look like himself, he looked lost, he couldn't look at me at all, he looked at the ground when we talked with our daughters, there was long awkard pauses in the conversation we were all having about our daughter's college in Sept. he didn't seem interested or unconfortable. He left without hugging me. I was holding my tears the WHOLE time he was home.
This sounds like good progress! What else are you doing for YOU?
Originally Posted By: CindySy
This past weekend was another hard one, he introduced his girlfriend to his family & one of our daughter ( only one wanted to go)....it crushed me. I hate that I have to share my daughters with her
Just remember that nothing is permanent and that you can't contrpl him. He's going to want everyone to be happy for him in his GREAT NEW LIFE. But just because it may be appear like candy and roses, that doesn't mean anything. Try not to let it bother you.
Originally Posted By: CindySy
This week on July 15 would have been our 26y wedding anniversary..... Next week, I'm on vacation for one week, I have been asking to cancel it but my employer prefers not to, I need to keep busy and my work does that for me.... I cannot wait for all my FIRST to be done so I can enjoy some aspect of my life. As far as the male friend that I had met online, we still text but nothing else. He is a good distraction to me but I won't let it go any further because he has express recently that he would want more, so I am being careful. I do find that he is just a bandaid too for me, I want to feel wanted and right now is not a good time because I need to really find ME !!
Good. You don't want to run headlong into a new R until you're ready.
Originally Posted By: CindySy
That is my update, I pushing through it, I still see my 2 therapists, I still try to trust this process, but somedays I wonder if I would take him back with everything he is doing today, I know I don't have to decide on that today but I go back & forth on that sometimes. The old H I totally would but this new H---hell no !!
Understandable, but try not to worry so much about it. It's out of your hands, so it's just a tunnel with no cheese!
Originally Posted By: CindySy
Oh boy this is hard. I need a time machine to fast forward time.
Noooooooooo. That's just your fear talking! You just want to know the end of the story! That's why it hurts and that's why you want to skip to it. But the end isn't WRITTEN yet. Things you do and change now can IMPACT that ending. So focus on you. Do your 180s, get your life. Then, you can write the happy ending!!! Once you do that, you can be sure you'll have one - it just may not be the one you would envision 70 days ago....or today even.
This is a chance for you to really take control of your life. It is important to breathe deeply and set a goal for the day. Start with small stuff. "Today I will laugh at least once - a full, hearty, belly laugh." It's a small goal, but it will help immeasurably.
Make a list of things you want to change about YOU. Again, be specific. Then start with #1 and work your way down the list. It may take a month to get through it, and you may add to it as you go. You'll soon see small changes within you -
(And here's a little secret - shhhhh - don't tell anyone, but guess what? - You start to automatically detach from your H as you get mentally stronger as a person. Suddenly, the decision about your M is in YOUR hands.
By the way - your goal list - NONE of those items should mention your H. The list is for YOU, and nothing on that list should be dependent on something he needs to be involved in.
Now I remember why I write on here, it is sooooo helpfull !!
Doing GAL is hard because I am blank when my therapist asks me what does Cindy likes, what does Cindy wants to do for herself....I can't answer her....working on it but I have been with my H since age 15, so I didn't even know who I was then.
I just read through both of your threads and can so identify with your struggles. My H and I are "piecing" and have had a couple of MC sessions with more planned. We do "eventually" want to live together again and that I itself is a great thing, but we both still have a lot of work ahead of us to get there. We date, we talk and text on the phone periodically throughout he day, we are intimate and spend at least one night a week together.
My struggle as of late has been working on myself. I let myself backslide to familiar territory and seem to be reliving our marriage. I've been needy and at times irrational. I need to get back on my horse and focus on myself. Just because my H and I are " hopefully" reconciling does not mean I can stop with my GAL and 180's. I still need to be a better, more independent person for myself and for the future of my M.
What I'm trying to say Cindy is that I admire your courage. I admire that, yes we can backslide and then pick ourselves up again and try again. I will be dusting off my copies of DB and DR and re-evaluate my goals. I have been sick with a chest and sinus infection for the past 4 weeks, but slowly improving. Now I need to get out again and continue with my GAL activities. I can see that you have a great support system here. People that care and will guide and support you through your struggles. I love this forum and although I don't post very often, I gather strength and guidance from reading other peoples situations, such as yours. Thank you! I too lived my life for everyone else and it is so tough trying to figure out what Diana likes and what Diana wants and needs. You are not alone in your struggles!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Thank you so much Diana for writing back to me, I often feel alone in my situation & it all feels hopeless at the moment, but reading your comments gives me hope & encouragement to continue to find my while I let him go
