Here I am. After a long road working on my marriage with my wife, I am posting a cry for help. I would appreciate advice. It would seem that since D-Day I have done everything wrong.
On 5/24 I discovered several things on my wife's iPad. She forgot to erase it all the night before.
Yahoo chat log with a man. The most intimate possible images shared. A sequence where she asks "where to" and is given the name of a hotel. Goes there. Is then told "room 276". End of communication... Her Ashley Madison profile Her Cougar Life profile More chats. There are many.
In her email: many messages from interested men.
In her photos: more intimate pics.
I was floored. Things began to fall into place. After several years of strained marriage with many ups and downs, My wife recently ended a career. Took up a new hobby. Lost weight. Changed her hair. Took more interest in her appearance/wardrobe. She was on top of the world it seemed. SO happy. She talked of how men noticed her at the store, at starbucks, on the street. "Good for you! I'd say. But then after about 3 weeks of this I made my discovery, and new the real reason for all this.
I confronted the same day. She admitted to everything. She told me that she was lonely and unfulfilled in our marriage and that her communication with these men validates her, make her feel attractive, wanted. She was adamant that her hotel meeting resulted in sitting down for a drink at the hotel bar, and nothing more. She says chatting is the only thing making her happy.
I was understanding at first. I know things were bad. I had basically given up trying after years of difficulty. I was devastated, yes. But I took it as a wake up call and promised more effort on my part. I would be a better husband if she would commit to our marriage and try with me. We spent a week closer than ever. Seemingly on the mend. However, the chatting continued, now partially in the open. I thought I could handle "just talk", and stupidly gave consent. Turns out I could not handle it. The images my mind created tormented me day and night.
Then, I went off the deep end. Snooping, scheming, back-checking. Violating her privacy and trying to catch her in lies. She became angry, defensive, and declared that SHE could no longer trust ME. She says in this environment where she is alone and has zero privacy. She feels I have set aside her rights as person to her own space.
I want to stop worrying constantly, but she won't stop. The chatting continues. She has taken down the profile, promised to stop photo sharing, but she has established chat relationships with "a couple of guys" that she continues. I have told her that before I can heal from the breach of trust she has to stop doing it. We are at an impasse.
We are now at the point where I have told her what my boundaries are on this. I have told her that her activity is causing me pain. She has told me that she needs this and will not give it up until she feels like our relationship has improved to take its place. It is her "safety net".
I feel like we must divorce if we can't resolve this. I hurt all the time.
HELP! What are the alternatives???
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Also I wonder if there is a difference here in that we are not talking about a single emotional/physical relationship with OM but rather an online habit that my wife won't give up.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Also I wonder if there is a difference here in that we are not talking about a single emotional/physical relationship with OM but rather an online habit that my wife won't give up.
Thanks. I have seen this beneath all the other first posts and I've read most of it. It is so hard. If I push her away, won't she just run to them?
I've been seeing this a lot lately. There is nothing said here that supports "pushing your wife away". The key is to take the focus and attachment you have for her away and put it on you. Focus on your growth, your 180s, your life.
But you still want to have good, healthy interactions with your wife. You just don't want to go around initiating them.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Youve given a lot of information on the current situation. Can you give more background? For example - ages, yrs married, kids, etc.
Also, can you describe more about what got your marriage to this point? Your W didn't just start "fishing" around online. What behaviors in you got her here?
Have you read the DR book? If no, get it. Read it. If yes, what are the 180s you are working on? What are your goals?
