This update is full of contradictions about wedding and D, vows and separation, dating and mediation, kids and sadness, rejection and attraction. And that's my life right now.
I love these phrases, Mozza. Very real. I'm sorry to hear that things are moving towards mediation. Sounds like you are relatively at peace with it though?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Cadet | I'm not sure why you will not answer my question on the benefits of your strict approach? It would enlighten others here I'm sure and make us see your side. Perhaps the perceived benefits of the past flexibility had downsides that we didn't notice?
Diana45 | Thanks for stopping by. It can be strange sometimes to realize that complete strangers have such a view on my life and inner thoughts, more than most people close to me. I was asked recently with whom I would share my deepest secrets: partner, friend or family? I replied: Strangers!
Zues126 | Thanks for noticing. Yes, I try to stay at peace with the contradictions, to be patient until they are resolved, if ever. This was present in my M: my WW would want a resolution here and now of anything and I would be willing to give it time. Again, this is what we're enacting in our S. More and more I come back to this idea from my IC that the S can be a continuation of the R.
gan | Thanks gan. Yes, I'm relatively at peace with the mediation. I tell newcomers here that D is not the end and that's also how I feel. It might be the ultimate goal post, the maximum distance at which we'll go before we start coming back towards each other. And if we're never to be back together, then let's indeed take the steps to move on.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Cadet | I'm not sure why you will not answer my question on the benefits of your strict approach? It would enlighten others here I'm sure and make us see your side. Perhaps the perceived benefits of the past flexibility had downsides that we didn't notice?
I don't think there were any perceived benefits from having an unmoderated forum with no enforcement of the rules, except occasionally when seen by an admin or moderator. The consequences being that one was put back on moderation without warning or notification. DB wants their rules enforced and has tasked me to do it. Whether I agree with their policy or not is irrelevant.
You seem to have trouble respecting boundaries. Has this always been a problem?
I did not put you on moderation and edited your post to be in compliance with the board rules.
I think that if you would like to continue this discussion it would be best if I refer you to contact the administrator of the site.
gan | Thanks gan. Yes, I'm relatively at peace with the mediation. I tell newcomers here that D is not the end and that's also how I feel. It might be the ultimate goal post, the maximum distance at which we'll go before we start coming back towards each other. And if we're never to be back together, then let's indeed take the steps to move on.
After reading this, I re-read one of my posts after becoming divorced. I believe there is no finality in a D. It provided no closure to me, changed my feelings in no way, other than confronting the fact I was D'ed. Explaining the situation or declaring that I am D'ed to others, is the only piece of this that impacts my life. I am sure this is probably different for all those involved, and depends on circumstances (such as kids or affairs).
Mozza - Keep your chin up!
Last edited by mahhhty; 05/12/1502:49 PM.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Wife wants to reconcile, but I told her it's too late. (Dec 2014) She did too much! Why waste another 10yrs of my life knowing the possibility of her having another affair is high.... DB works! Glad I came here 14month ago, and big thank you to the vets and everyone on this site. So kindly hard me to your list of letting go. I'm at peace with my decsseion.
Real JOY is not something you have in your hands ; it is something you carry in your heart. Share it and it will come back to you a hundred fold. Know often that the greatest JOY comes from going through tough times and growing stronger and BETTER (not bitter!)
Sometimes you have to SMILE by FAITH. If you smile by FAITH, soon the JOY will FOLLOW. Living in a favorable and unfavorable situation is called part of LIVING. But SMILING in all those situations is called ART of LIVING.
mahhhty | Thanks for sharing your experience with singing the D papers. It tells me that we can all react in our own way to this milestone. I don't really know how it will be for me.
Karma12/mahhhty | Thanks, you woke me up!
Lost! | Thanks for sharing your story. I went to comment on your thread to invite you to share more details and I'll put a link with my next batch of success stories.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Eight days since my last update. Lots has happened.
Dating report | Online dating is a bit like dynamite fishing. Tons of people interested to meet. I'm still overwhelmed. The date on Sunday went very well, we've seen each other since and we will again at the end of the week. We've been texting in the meantime, sometimes for hours with deep conversations. It's kind of a peek behind the curtain of what went on between WW and OM: the confusion as to what's happening, what emotions are involved, where things are headed, what desires are involved, etc. I find myself seeking intimacy more than sex. She knows I'm married and in a D process, but next time we meet I want to tell her more about how I feel about the whole thing. This is apart of the grand NMMNG experiment of being honest with myself and others. I'm willing to take risks because being a Nice Guy has probably brought me here. I've also been on two other dates in the last week and neither worked out. Both times, neither of us were interested to go further. I'm also in touch with other women on the website.
D report | WW called three mediators found on a list, only one picked up and she chose him, trying to set up an appointment. It drove me nuts because I'd be very careful in choosing this person, at least talking to each and even googling them. This is exactly like in our R: she goes too fast and I go too slow. She doesn't care, so it's on me to do the due diligence, even though I really didn't want to do any heavy listing. Of course, I'm not in the mood to do any of this, I don't see the rush in the D, and I've no experience so it takes me longer. Part of me thinks this mediation process might help me detach because I'll be confronted to so many of the incompatibilities between WW and I. I also expect her to be completely self-centered, to lack any empathy for me, I expect myself to be too perfectionist, condescending. Oh, of course, I'll do all the usual efforts to DB my best and keep things smooth.
Detachment report | WW and OM went on a trip this week-end to a place where she and I went 5-6 times, increasing the sense that I'm replaced plain and simple. I even took the kids a day earlier to enable this trip. It hurt me more than usual and the week-end was a little rough.
GAL Report | I report little on this because it's not really an issue. I'm always busy. This week-end, I had my cousin, his W and their three daughters, about the same age as mine. Today, I spent time with another friend and his family. Tomorrow night, I'm hosting a friend from out of town, Wednesday D7 has a show, Thursday is my dance class. Work is suddenly very busy and I end up working at night.
Advice needed | I'd like to know what the community thinks about the following two things.
A) D7 has her end-of-year show this week. WW wants us to sit together as a family and seems to think it's entirely natural. I didn't want to, but now I'm not sure. It might be better for D3 and D7 to see their parents together. But I didn't want to sit with her because I don't want the awkwardness, nor the conversations. Also, I've become quite demonstrative since BD and fully expect to cry a good bit when I'll see D7 sing her bit of Les Miz, in part because I'm so hurt that I lost half of my kids. So, is it better if I agree and sit with her?
B) I'm starting to get snappy at WW. She told me I could have told her something minor earlier about D7's show, that she would have done certain things earlier. I replied "No need to blame". I don't complain about her multiple offenses, so I hope I won't be told I'm causing her slight trouble for the smallest thing. Later, she told me that mediation should go well, regardless of who is the mediator, if we're both honest and solutions-oriented. I told her I gave her no reason since the S and even in the R to remind me multiple times (she has) to be honest and cordial, that I found it disrespectful. She backtracked immediately and even used some validation on me. So, how wrong am I to draw a line in the sand on certain things related to treated me with respect? Is it even wrth it? Details available on demand.
Of course, feedback on any other issue is welcome. I've often been surprised by the perspectives of this community and adapted my approach in real life. Thanks for being there.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
