NoleGrl (2) Moving Forward

[NoleGrl]

Mornings seem to be the worst for me. Yesterday I was feeling good, when memories of H came to my mind, it felt like I was watching someone else, rather than feeling like my heart was breaking. When I saw the phone records, it wasn't as bad as it would've been a few weeks ago. I start to feel like I will be fine without him (I "know" I will be fine, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way). But then I wake up in the morning, alone in my bed and everything comes back. It's like I have to start all over again.

Anyway...GAL for the weekend, might grab dinner with a friend tonight or tomorrow night. Headed to the beach with a girlfriend tomorrow during the day. On Sunday going to drive a couple hours to see my mom and grandma for mother's day. Happy Friday!

[NoleGrl]

Had dinner with a a friend and her husband last night. Today going to the beach with another friend. Seem to be feeling a tiny bit better every day. Some positive changes are that I have not brought up OW at all in any of our conversations, did not let him know I saw the phone records and have been only responding to his barrage of texts (regarding getting everything done as soon as possible) when I need to answer a question. I told him that divorce is a process and he can't just snap his fingers and have it happen yesterday. That we have been in limbo for the past 7 months and why now is he in such a hurry. He said that we really have been in limbo since our first fight in 8/13. Wow...just wow.

[Zues126]

Before we say he's rewriting history we have to acknowledge that he had been deeply hurt in this fight and hadn't felt safe or fulfilled in some important ways after that. I think this might be about the most direct feedback he's given you about why he's leaving.

What was the first fight about?

[NoleGrl]

We were going to the beach with our bible study group after church and that morning while on a run, I had hurt my leg. I could barely walk. I made it through church and to the beach. I was in pain. It started raining so everyone decided to go bowling instead. At that point, all I wanted to do was go home and lay down, but I told him to go have fun. H took me home, said he would be home in a few hours and would bring home dinner. After a few hours I texted him to see when he was coming home and he said he was leaving. Another hour passed and he still wasn’t home. I texted again and he had not left and was now playing darts. When he got home, I lost it. This was not the first time that I was pushed down his list of priorities and I had let it pile up inside and just had enough. We got in a huge fight and I said I wasn’t sure if we had made the right decision getting married.

I'm not saying he's rewriting history and I know I never should have said that. I know that he was hurt by my saying that. And two months later he cheated on me. But, sometimes people fight. It doesn't mean that you should cheat or end your marriage over it.

[Zues126]

There is no excuse for an affair, and there is no one on the board that has more disdain for walking away from a M. No matter what you did those were his choices. No one will dispute that.

Nor will we dispute that you had felt neglected and unfulfilled for a great part of your M. Let's be clear, when a spouse walks away it isn't like their partner had been happy for years either, they simply hadn't given up.

Typically though one incident doesn't change a happy marriage into a desolate one. The fact that you had been frustrated up until that point means he probably had been as well. And for him to have done the things he did, he must have been beyond his ability to cope for a long time.

Looking at this as a one time incident that he overreacted to won't get you that far. I would think this was simply the moment at which he first gave up on the idea that you two could make a M work. But people don't walk away from a M the first moment they feel defeated. He must have spent the remainder of the time weighing things out, waiting for a sign that things could be different, wrestling with his conflicted feelings. But finally, after he gave up, he looked at this fight as the moment he first felt it would be over. Not because he was happy before, and not because he didn't try in his own way afterwards.

So maybe the fight itself wasn't such a big deal in the scheme of things, although it's interesting that it stemmed from him staying out and trying to have fun. It seems fitting that he was out trying to have fun adventures when he felt trapped and unfulfilled in his M, and that he saw you as trying to control him and neglect his needs.

Tough stuff. Again, NONE of this excuses his destructive behavior. And if the A is a deal breaker then it doesn't much matter why. But if it isn't, or you're not sure at this point, I recommend continuing to find compassion for the pain he is going through rather than just focusing on the pain he's causing you.

Take care NG.

[Vanilla]

You could have done anything and it makes little difference.

H is running up and down his cheese less tunnels, the reason why is hidden in H head. It is for him to know in due time and he may just close that door to knowledge.

Nole work on you, let him be and work his stuff.

I wish you peace today.

V

[NoleGrl]

It's been a while since I've posted as I needed to take a break. I've been feeling really good, feeling detached, accepting that the divorce was going to happen, looking forward to whatever my future had in store. H blocked me from instagram over the weekend and then changed his relationship status to single on FB and I just let it roll off, knew it was a part of his journey.

But, tonight he told me that he accepted a job in a city 4 hours away and is moving. So my DB journey is over (the divorce busting part, not the personal growth part). This explains why he has been trying to push this divorce as fast as possible. I think it was realme that said to look for a silver lining in everything. The silver lining in this has to be that I won't ever have to worry about running into him with OW.

[Bob723]

The silver lining in this has to be that I won't ever have to worry about running into him with OW.

Hello Nole,

What a roller coaster you have been on! Zues and V made great points. The argument, was no excuse to start an affair. As Zues wrote, "There is no excuse for an affair..."

I applaud your attitude! I'm not sure what else to add right now other than to add that I am going to dedicate a huge prayer for you.

Hang in there Nole!

*Hugs*

Bob

[NoleGrl]

Thank you for your reply Bob.

I really hope that someday I can get to a point where I can forgive H and have compassion for him, but today all I can think about is the fact that he wasn't mature enough to stick this out, despite promising "for better or for worse" and to remain faithful. Instead of keeping those promises, he just did whatever he wanted without caring about the consequences.

I see all the people on these boards standing for their marriages regardless of what the other person may have done and I just don't understand why everyone isn't like us...believing in the vows we took and doing whatever we need to do to fix whatever is broken. I'm angry that H is not one of those people. I'm angry that he can just move on (and away) just like that. I'm angry because I feel like I was fooled into marrying someone totally opposite from the person I thought he was.