So after reading my DB books again and the board posts again, I realize that jeez this still blows. Does it get better or worse the longer you are in. On one hand it's bette becuase the pain of it is lessened over time. On the other hand it's worse because it just prolongs the limbo. I don't believe in dating anyone as long as I am married. That is just my personal line in the sand.
8 months in and WW still in full blown affair, and talks non stop about D. I think she is realizing this is going to be a loooonnggg process. In her mind however, we are divorced, and done. Over and out.
I am still working the plan, keeping cool, trying to follow the great advice I have been given and generally keeping it together.
Sometimes I think I see baby steps and sometimes I feel like I have reversed course.
We did have a phone convo today and the anger seems to be gone from her voice, but she still talked about D and my lawyer this and can't wait to get to the D.
I don't ask any questions about OW, don't question her, just chit chat. We did talk logistics about summer camp options and decisions. It's a lot of planning involved.
I saw on our family spread sheet that she had marked in Trip to XX for a week with her and the kids. We had agreeed and abide by the "if the kids go out of state, the parent must ask and get consent in writing." This is what we agreed upon in writing.
I mentioned this saying "Hey, I saw you were planning a trip to XX"? I was a little surprised to see this as we hadn't talked about it. She got defensive and said well this was just for planning purposes, do you have a problem with it?
Me: No problem, I just thought we we agreed to ask and get consent from one another before we made any plans, I was just surprised that's all.
This is the second time she has done this, put an out of state trip on the calendar before she even asked me. I have always asked her and obtained consent before putting a trip on the calendar. She emailed me later saying that this seemed "odd" and "controlling". We talked again and I said I can see where you think this may be controlling but please be patient, I am working out a lot of schedule, today is crazy at work and I am feeling overwhelmed. Could I give you my answer tomorrow and she said OK.
So, that's the reason for my back to square 1 comment from earlier today.
Heavy d. The controlling aspect seems par for the course. You're doing the right thing. This was an agreed upon boundary and one you should continue to stand up for. They are your kids and you have every right to be involved Ina decision of them leaving the state, ahead of time.
Being able to tell her, I'm sorry you feel this is controlling (don't validate) but this is a boundary we agreed to. Imo why go through the efforts of making plans if you're not sure the other parent would sign off on it first.
This is an area you both need to feel comfortable trusting each other and based on her actions, that makes it tough.
Not controlling, simply sticking up for a clearly defined boundary.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Today is one of those days I feel like I am back to Square 1
*&^%%%$!!!
Hey Heav,
This is good I think. Periodic regression is normal (at least for me). Recognizing it--and being pissed about it--is good. This means that you are beginning to value yourself and realize that you deserve way more than this circular "good-feeling/bad-feeling game. Keep up the GAL. Keep learning about yourself. Keep making yourself into the person only a "fool wouldn't want in their life." I paraphrase someone here on the forum with that tidbit. I'm afraid I don't remember who. So sorry.
What is the best way to tell her "No" I don't agree to the kids going to XX. They have just gotten back from a long trip to XX which was agreed upon.
She wants to take then almost as soon as they get back to XX - 5 hours plane ride for only 4 days and then another 5 hour plane trip back.
I want to say this in an email - can you suggest wording that would be taken in the best way?
Here is my suggestion:
W
As we have already agreed to this boudry of asking each other prior to making any travel arangements, I hope you will understand my logic to not agreeing to your request to take them to XX for a short trip.
As you know, they will have just gotten back from 2 weeks in XX. I feel that this proposed trip to XX is too much flying for them in such a short 1 month time span.
Me: No problem, I just thought we we agreed to ask and get consent from one another before we made any plans, I was just surprised that's all.
Just curious what your motivation for the email is. You already stated to her you had no problem with the trip, but now are saying its too much flying for the kids.
Just make sure the email is because you're genuinely concerned with the children flying and not because you want to punish W for not clearing it with you first. Be honest with yourself.
I've realized I have a habit of using a boundary to control a situation I don't like. Its very easy to do this and not realize your trying to control W.
She hasn't taken them on a trip yet, so there's still room for discussion and the boundary really hasn't been crossed yet. There's nothing wrong with speaking with her about clearing those things first, if you have an issue with that. You have every right to say you don't want them going on the trip if you feel that way, just be sure that's the real reason.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
My No problem coment was that she put the trip on the calendar for planning purposes only. I will communicate that I want us both to write on the calendar - Tentative Travel instead of just writing the date and time and location.
So, my no problem was only after he explained it was for planning.
I do have a problem with the kids flying so much in 1 month. I feel that is detrimental to their well being. I will email her this information and try to be as delicate as I can.
That is honestly the real reason I will say no, for their well being. She also plans to take them to XX for Christmas break which again, I have not been informed of in writing nor have agreed to.
I see, I thought the comment was for the travel specifically. Sounds like a plan then, you have every right to not want your kids to fly that much if you don't want them to. If the calendar is having issues that "Tentative Travel" part would work, just need to find the right way to express that to her but I would expect shes not going to take it well.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/06/1504:58 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
While I understand the concern, I am thinking your W will spew at the email as she will feel controlled. In her mind she may spin it that its ok for the kids to go with you to XX but you are not allowing her time with the kids to go to XY, tit for tat. Honestly, a 5 hour plane ride would not kill your children, if anything .. and this is how my devious mind works ... at worst it will make them cranky, and soley your W's problem, I do feel the more real things get for her, the better chance that she comes to her senses and nothing can get more real than good ole travel stress.
Regardless your W should have her time with the kids, vaca where they wish .. these are things out of your control (for the most part) provided she is not going to move out of state nor put the children in harms way, thankfully my W never seemed to lose it THAT bad.
