Healing Separation Gone Bad

[Diesel]

I have messed things up with my WAW on several occassions by pressuring her, and didn't realize at the time I was doing it.

So be very careful with anything you say or write. First, ask yourself if it could seem like pressure to your W.

Hi Bob,

Yep, you nailed it. I do believe and understand that my trying to follow the "healing separation" guidelines was putting a lot of pressure on her, because she didn't/doesn't define "healing" the same way I did/do. I really like your idea of first asking myself if what I'm about to say will feel like pressure to W. Thank you so much for that great suggestion.

One of my favorite sayings is "keep your ears open, and you mouth shut."

Right after I submit this post I will read the "Validation Cheat Sheet."

Thanks for your caring and concern brother,
Diesel

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Diesel]

Thank you for the encouragement Cadet.

I love DR and love MWD's absolute confidence in the soundness of her methods.

Diesel

[Bob723]

I have messed things up with my WAW on several occassions by pressuring her, and didn't realize at the time I was doing it.

So be very careful with anything you say or write. First, ask yourself if it could seem like pressure to your W.

Hi Bob,

Yep, you nailed it. I do believe and understand that my trying to follow the "healing separation" guidelines was putting a lot of pressure on her, because she didn't/doesn't define "healing" the same way I did/do. I really like your idea of first asking myself if what I'm about to say will feel like pressure to W. Thank you so much for that great suggestion.

One of my favorite sayings is "keep your ears open, and you mouth shut."

Right after I submit this post I will read the "Validation Cheat Sheet."

Thanks for your caring and concern brother,
Diesel

You're very welcome, Diesel. I have adopted a saying similar to yours "Say little...do much." You are heading in the right diretion!

I was overwhelmed by happiness by the number of folks who posted in my thread today.

In case you missed my big post, I thanked each one of you.

This is what I posted to you:

Diesel, thank you for checking in. How was the cold beer and cigar?

Bob

[Bob723]

Diesel,

Actually my whole response to you was:

Diesel, thank you for checking in. How was the cold beer and cigar? I love your attitude.

Bob

[Diesel]

Hey Bob,

I'm glad you are feeling supported here (me too). We all need it, and we all want to give it to one another. It's a great place for us hurting souls.

The beer and cigar was just what I needed brother. It was a warm night here on the East Coast, and just sitting on the porch sippin' and puffin' was soooo soothing ...

I had some conversation time with W the other day. There was some good and not so good dialog. I want to let it sit in my heart and soul for a while and then I will post a little bit about it.

"Say little … do much." I like that one as well

Diesel

[Diesel]

A little update:

I went over to our house the other day to pick up some tools and my W happened to come out and start talking with me. I listened to what she had to say, trying to reflect back and validate, and not say too much myself. That is a 180 for me, because I would almost always jump in with my two cents before. The convo went pretty well as we strolled over our property and she showed me the things she had done outside over the past few weeks. I saw that a tree was leaning to the side and asked her about it. She said it had just started to do that over the past few weeks and asked me what I thought might be wrong. I tell you all this only because I can't remember the last time she asked my opinion about anything. That felt kinda good.

So I was feeling good about this whole interaction and was thinking I should leave soon so it would end on a good note. Ha! Didn't get gone quite soon enough. She brought up the topic of paying for stuff and as she went on, I could see the flywheel-of-anger start to spool up. This is a very ingrained pattern with her--get angry and start to blame Diesel for everything that has gone wrong. I did not take the bait. I told her I did not come to the house to argue, said good bye, got into my car and left. This was another 180 for me. A year ago I would have engaged and a full-blown fight would have ensued.

My relationship with W may be FUBAR, but I'm feeling better and better about myself and my behavior at least.

Diesel

[Bob723]

So I was feeling good about this whole interaction and was thinking I should leave soon so it would end on a good note. Ha! Didn't get gone quite soon enough. She brought up the topic of paying for stuff and as she went on, I could see the flywheel-of-anger start to spool up. This is a very ingrained pattern with her--get angry and start to blame Diesel for everything that has gone wrong. I did not take the bait. I told her I did not come to the house to argue, said good bye, got into my car and left. This was another 180 for me. A year ago I would have engaged and a full-blown fight would have ensued.

My relationship with W may be FUBAR, but I'm feeling better and better about myself and my behavior at least.

Hello Diesel,

I couldn't be prouder of you than I am right now. Way to go, Diesel.

Not taking the bait is a great example of a 180. Give yourself a pat on the back.

See how much progress you have made?

Your friend,

Bob

[Diesel]

Hey Bob,

I appreciate your support. The 180's are hard to do sometimes, but they do work.

I've been pretty biz the last few days, and haven't been active in the community here. Still on 2nd shift, so I'll work on catching up with ya'll tonight,

Thanks so much,
Diesel