Thank you, Thornton. I really don't know how to tell if that is what it is. Can you give me some examples? How do these typically act?
Mine calls herself a "pleaser." In other words, making sure that everyone else is happy, often at the expense of her feelings. She is great at putting on the happy face while keeping everything inside. She would rather go through hell than even consider hurting other people's feelings - which is why she gets walked on by everyone.
However, she is a great woman and the love of my life. I never knew the extent of her problems until recently. She did a great job at hiding them from me. But that still doesn't change the way I feel about her. I just don't know what to do. It just seems like she wants to run so bad, but there are flashes of our old self that make me think other wise.
Please let me know.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
"As you may recall, my wife has serious emotional issues ranging from panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts - and she is seeing therapists (two different ones) for those"
^ that is pretty heavy stuff my friend. You can't fix that for her. She's doing a good job by getting therapy, you have to let her find her way.
What you CAN do is detach. Realize that you are not dealing with a stable person at the moment. What do unstable people do? They act unstable. They go from loving to wanting to run, back to loving, to saying we will NEVER get a divorce, back to asking for a divorce.
Her mind is a battle field. Take heart that some of these issues have absolutely nothing to do with you, although she may think so.
My first W was bipolar. She left me because she thought I was the devil. When she first left, she was as happy as could be. She finally gotten rid of her unhappiness (me). Fast forward 10 years later - she has had about 7 relationships, had her house foreclosed on, electricity turned off (she has a good job mind you), car repossessed etc. The list goes on and on.
Guess who called me the other day? My ex-wife. She told me she has made a mess of her life and didn't realize she had it so good with me. I was stable and consistent. When she first left, I did the same thing you did. I recalled all the good stuff, "she told me loved me 500x last week" etc.
Do you see what I'm saying? You are wrapped up in her issues and some if not most of them have nothing to do with you.
Once you realize that, you can start to detach and take a step back and see the situation from an outsiders point of view.
Do yourself a favor and google "codependency". Read about it and then talk to your counselor about it.
Wow Thornton, that really clears things up. I don't think mine is bipolar although I know she has issues. i never knew the extent of the abuse she suffered as a child through young adult.
Would they have made a difference? Not at all. None of the problems surfaced until the stress of her job got to her...and her sisters divorce. I find it odd that I overheard her say "I never knew I was so sad." That, to me, suggests that someone was really trying to drive a wedge.
What you said actually makes a lot of sense to me. I just wish it weren't the case. She had viewed me as her knight - unlike all the others who let her down. Now she thinks I let her down when I did no such thing. She told me I didn't protect her, when I in fact I was there for her.
She is the absolute love of my life and this being not able to help her issues is killing me. I just wish I could do something. I do hope our marriage isnt over.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
That very may be part of it. I am not sure, but I think I do get part of it but not half. Haven't thought of it from that aspect before.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I'm almost certain if you were marriage at all during the military service you get a portion of her retirement. I do remember a story years ago when I was in where someone's ex-wife was pissed about splitting part of her husband's retirement with someone he was married to for only a few months. I think it was almost more out a spit where he remarried again just so she would get less. Resources on base could easily answer this.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I will certainly look into that if/when she finally decides. I haven't been to a L yet...I just don't know if I have it in me to do so. That would mean admitting that it's over, and I just don't want to do that even though I know it very well may be. As I said, she wants to do a no contest and if she files, then I will consult. I left a very good job when we got married and followed her around the country for her career...will that have a factor in support for me? I haven't been able to get as good of job since...
Honestly, I don't know her mindset on the situation now. This morning she left to do some errands and kissed the kids but not me - so then our son asked her why she didn't kiss me and she told him she would later. When she is in the vehicle, she texted and asked if I put him up to that. I told her no and then she said, remember what we talked about and now our relationship is on a break. WTF does that mean unless she either considers herself single now and is trying to prepare me or she really doesn't know and just on hold for now to try later?? Either way, this [censored]. Our kids are really starting to notice things and asking me questions, but she is around them much less so she doesn't get asked.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Going to an L has nothing to do with whether 'it's over" , it is about self protection. Taking an unknown off the table.
Getting good L advice can remove much frustration and anger. It minimises bs in many areas. Allows you to consider dispassionately.
Seeing an L isn't about doing a D!
Find out the answers to your questions, it's important for your future and that of your kids to know the answer. It can very often be that you as a dad will have to be the stable safe parent if your wife gets wayward or MLC. Be prepared for this, if it isn't the position then that's a sigh of relief. If it is then you know how you stand.
And, as always, this is for you, keep your cards very close to your chest. Hold your counsel and your thoughts.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/26/1509:08 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you, Vanilla. I know I should and will make an appointment soon. As I have said before, she has mentioned doing an uncontested divorce. I really do not think she wants to go to court over anything. Maybe its just my mindset. I am just having such a hard time over all of this. Yes, I am trying to so hard to be that lighthouse and keep calm, but at the same time on the inside I am just going crazy. I have tried detaching and distancing myself, but I just have such a hard time. Everytime I act in that manner, she always asks whats wrong.
As of now, our relationship is on break and we are just working on "getting comfortable with each other and our friendship." To my overactive mind, that seems to be telling me that in her own way she is trying to prepare me for the divorce.
An interesting, but maybe meaningless, conversation came up this weekend. She had mentioned that her sister wants her to come visit again soon on her birthday so they can go to a show. I told her that the SIL (the one going through the D) sure is living it up now and is doing all this "going out" now that she is D to which the W really didn't say anything. And now, it seems like the wife is starting to want to do the same with her. Remember, I told you that these two were very, very tight due to their childhood. The W mentioned going up to see her and asked if it was ok - I almost told her this: "If it were me on my birthday, I would want to spend it with my children. Especially seeing as to how I would be leaving in less than two months to go to my new base." Maybe I should have. Thoughts? I guess her priorities are out of line. I mean, she claims to love them so much but would rather do that instead of spending that time with them?
The W continues to live in the house but sleeps on the couch. The kids are asking all kinds of questions as to why. I have never told the W what they ask because I don't want her to have one of her attacks. Maybe I should? Maybe she should see the truth or should I just let it be?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
