Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

[Complex]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'll be cautious, with FIL contact and my feelings.
There was a little shine of hope yesterday and today. But in a more positive way than ever. More of a hope that I can be the person that I wang to be, that I COULD be the person that she wouldn't leave or only a fool would. Confidence paired with healthy expectations/ no expectations regarding R is the way to go.
Only thing I really need is TIME. The more the better. Hoping W isn't going to file right after I receive my greencard in a month or two. It would truly shatter family too..sounds like they all tell her not to rush into D. Hopefully that'll buy me some more time. But in the end I'm sure she'll make her own decisions. It's her life.

Bought new workout clothes. Gym now. And I found a possible volunteer opportunity. Helping abandoned children age 2-18 in an institution where they are taken care of. Sounds great.
I doubled the Prozac dose today which my doctor told me after 10-14 days. So far feeling better. Side effects are driving me crazy since almost 2 weeks. It was completely out of control all symptoms, got almost intolerable. but now I feel great. Evenings I'm usually on fire ..

Thanks again.

[Lost!]

I'll advice you to take it a little easy on the Prozac.....how many milligrams are you taking? I'm a little worried about the adverse side effect of taking too much and serious complication associated with the use.

[Lost!]

The drug is over prescribed by some physician....,unnecessarily subjecting patients to adverse side effects and possible withdrawal symptoms. you don't need anything to affect your judgement during this process man! I follow your sitch daily but hardly have time to post because of my hectic schedule at work. Hang in there brother! Wherever my sitch takes me, however dark and difficult the theme, there is always some hope and redemption, not because readers here like sad endings, but because I am an optimist at heart. I know the sun will rise in the morning, that there is a light at the end of every turnel.

[Complex]

Thanks Lost.
I actually only went from 10 to 20mg so low dosage. I can manage. And I was very critical towards taking it but I have family and personal history of depression. Nothing crazy, I enjoyed my life but I always struggled a bit with having no perspective and lack of motivation. So I'll give it a shot.
I won't do it forever. I don't wanna become a victim of meds.

I actually used to be a pessimist by nature. I grew up like this. Grumpy pessimistic dad haha. But I changed. And I feel more positive than ever

[Complex]

So since we still live together and nothing has changed in our situation except of that a R just doesn't exist anymore I start to feel "bad" spending our money. I'm reasonable but I needed some new stuff, clothes and college things etc. She is basically paying the morgage fully. I don't make much money still. Although I started a couple new jobs/extending hours in my other job that will bring home at least a few more hundred up to a thousand dollars home a months. But she is still the breadgiver.

I know she's the one who wants out but I think I should acknowledge that she still supports me? The whole thing makes me look "weak" and not attractive bc she's above me socially ..and will be for a long time to come. I could never compete with her income, it's just way to high and if she goes back to school it'll be ridiculously high. I know it's incredibly important to her that I am going back to school, catching up a degree here...but it's far away, at least 4-5yrs. And my income level will probably always be lower than hers.
I'm working really hard on myself tho. She must notice. I have to become financially independent either way, but I know this is an important factor for her. Her mom leaked that W is worried that I won't be able to support her when she's going back to school or if we would have children. Its worrying W significantly. It's one of the reasons she doesn't believe in us anymore.
I mean love isn't about money, but I understand her. And she is who she is. She's not focused on money, but she wants to be safe and have a supporting husband.

So should I really feel bad about spending, if I spend very reasonable (I am very reasonable with money in general)? My financial situation isn't sth I can change over night, so i can only show her I'm at least taking action right? But in her eyes it'll probably be too little too late!? Is it ok to genuinely thank her for her support?

[Starsky309]

Actions, not words. Increase your current income, and do things that have a good chance of increasing your income and stability even more in the future. THAT she will notice.

I'm not big on "grand pronouncements." If it comes up IN CONTEXT of conversation, then sure -- acknowledge her contributions. Don't put stuff in writing, though.


Starsky

[sandi2]

Starsky's right. I hate to say it, but some women do not have what it takes to support the man while he goes through school. Most women will eventually lose respect and attraction for a nonworking man who is not going through any higher level of education or training to better their lives. It's hard when the M is healthy!

You had two strikes, maybe three, going against you right off the bat. You depended on her to get to this country, it even hinted of a M of convenience, and you depended on her to support you. That is not good when there are problems in the M. For some women, it feels like something is out of order.......know what I mean? Like you should be doing more to help with the supporting, and she should be able to be more dependent on you. Old traditions die hard for some. And speaking as one from the female gender, I think that will be a hard one to go quietly.

I have to admit, when you first came here, I really thought you were more concerned about your green card and saw her as your meal ticket. As I recall, you really didn't seem that worried about the MR while you were still on vacation.

Starsky is so right about making proclamations. They carry no weight with her. All she will do is look at your actions. How many times have you laid around the house or went to the beach or were bored with nothing to do? Those are the things she's watching.

Excuses don't work, either.

I've read other posts where you gave pretty good advice. Now, you need to learn from it.

[Complex]

ThX Starsky and Sandi.
Sandi you are very right. Our R didn't start on very solid ground. Romantic love can only get you so far. And I really see the picture. I mean I always loved her in a way I never felt before. But somehow in an immature way. And sometimes in a selfish way too.
W is a great supporter but she's been suffering from always needing to "push" me. To support me. She felt like it's all her responsibility. She told me she can't do that forever. And I understand her. The EA was a byproduct. And she was right saying "we have different views on life and career, we just don't fit"...although I DO have the same goals than her, I was never really able to reach out for them and work hard, with dedication. I always wanted to..but I couldn't figure out how! But plain thoughts just don't count. And speaking doesn't do anything.

After hitting rock bottom..being pretty much all alone I finally have the motivation to really make something out of my life. And I wouldn't want my M back the way it was. We both need to become independent people before we can have a stable relationship again. Vacation is long time over. I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out that I can NOT live like this forever and let W do most of the work. It's not like I'm a bum, not at all. I've done a lot. I am a very good houseman and I worked ....but I could've done more for our future. Period. There are no excuses. I am here for a reason. And that reason is me!

And now my W is still (!!!) supporting me, and as bad as it was to start an EA, through all this, she pushed me to become a better person. I think she knows this that she had to do this, for her AND for me. It's not an act of pure selfishness. She cares. And at some point in my life I have to thank her for that. I said it before and I'll say it again, this is the worst but best thing that ever happened to me in my life.
Question is will I be able to turn our M around or is it just too late. For sure I started to turn myself around and if I show consistency, my life will improve for a long time to come, with or without her.

[Complex]

So W got home today firat showing me pictures of her friends baby which was born today. She was excited and friendly.

But then she reminded me of getting my greencard stuff done. I still have 1.5 month to turn it in. She just wants to get this done she said wheh I asked why or if there's a rush? Then she said she'd like to talk to me about some things tomorrow night, not tonight because I was busy doing school stuff.
I asked what it's about and she said "about YOUR situation, and what's going on".

I have to be honest it instantly makes me nervous and I'm pretty scared about the conversation. Should I even get into the conversation or find an excuse to get out of its way? I don't want to do R talk right now. I have no idea what she wants to say. Maybe she wants to separate physically or so, talk about money or other concerns. What should I do?
If I talk to her what should I say? I want to keep my part as short as possible, not say anything wrong. I rather listen to what she has to say. But I'm also sure she will be testing my maturity and responsibily, if I'm capable of doing my own thing and let her go etc. She probably wants to know where I'm at right now.
Mostly I'm afraid that I'll be too nervous and she'll catch that and interpret it wrong...
Thanks for any advice.

[Sotto]

Hi Complex

I think some Vet advice would be good before you have this 'talk' with your W. I wouldn't try and avoid it, but I certainly wouldn't initiate it if your W seems to have forgotten.

Your W may want to S and you may need to accept this and start making financial plans that will enable you to get a place of your own.

But before you have the talk, I think it's important for you to be clear about your approach, to review the validation techniques, and think about any key messages you want to convey.

I also think you need to think about this financial dependency on your W and get yourself to a position where you can support yourself, whatever she may decide.

Good luck, and I hope the Vets chime in too.