Complex #5 - progress and throwbacks

[Complex]

My fifth one already. Time is passing by.

Complex #4

Not too much change since last thread.

- In home separation still going on.
Getting better in going W out of the way not being needy, better detached but recently we have more communication. Which kind of hurts my detachment. So I have be very cautious. The more contact I have with her the more I feel how much I love her.
- On meds now due to depression, 3rd day in and it's wearing on me. Doctor told me the first couple weeks things might get worse but it'll start working very well after 4-6. Very anxious feelings. Body aches, insomnia. But I'm hanging in there.
- Big trust issues with W, not sure if EA turned PA, although I don't think so, I'm sort of prepared for it. There is s chance of very low contact between W and OM too.
- Think I have controlling issues. W knows I have them. I really want to work on them. Lot of thinking right now how to interpret what W is telling me. Need to let go better.
- Seeing IC, guess it's helping although my expectations are usually too high
- No D talk in 2-3 weeks. Moving out talk calmed down, living situation got slightly better, less stressful situations also due to better detachment.
- Family and (most) friends still not involved. My mom is about to blow it tho. Makes me concerned, not sure what it'll cause.
- Multiple friend and family event invitations on facebook and so on, family event coming up where I have obligations. W and dad will be there. Need some real life advice how to deal with those. Ignore? Just cut mutual friends out?
- GAL going ok. Gym, surfing, college classes, IC, job search, diverse doctor appointments, volunteer search (can't find anything). Still to do: See mediator/attorney for information, volunteer, go see a priest, dentist.
- Got two new books: "Connecting through yes" by Jack Ito. "Love must be tough" by James Dobson. Excited to read them.

That's all I can think of right now. Totally worn due to lack of sleep


Happy Valentines Day (Which I didn't even mention towards W today, mission accomplished) and again thanks for answering my questions, helping me understand and kicking me back into DB reality when I need it!!!

[Sotto]

Hi Complex

Sounds like you're doing pretty well in the challenging circumstances. Lots of progress in a relatively short time.

Just on the volunteering - that's made a big difference to me. Is there an interesting project you may have read about locally, or someone you know who volunteers? My bookshop work came from just calling in and asking. I liked the look of the store, and thought 'hey that might be nice.' The great thing about it is they always need people, so apart from my 'normal' stints, it's okay to call in for a couple of hours 'on spec' and do some things for them.

We have a volunteer bureau here too. I didn't call in there, but it would have been an option too.

Also, it may be really helpful to look for those things that bring you some calm or respite at the moment, and do some more of those things. For me, I walked alot, read, meditated, swam and renovated furniture. They were all things in the early days that helped bring some 'relief' from the relentless mind-racing. It's really worth seeking them out. I think how we learn to look after ourselves now, will always serve us well in life's challenges going forwards. We need to know that we can care for ourselves and that we don't need someone else to do it.

Keep up the great work - you're making lots of progress! :-)

[Complex]

Thanks toots. I'm trying
I do progress but then I just stay in bed a couple extra hours, not motivated to do anything, having a hard time getting the day started.
And work is suffering too.
Today I'll go to brunch with some buddies. Then surfing. Then I have to finish an essay.

My W's mom texted me yesterday and today (didn't answer yesterday). She wished me happy Valentine's Day and asked what I've been up to? And today she asked how I am. Kind of weird, maybe W told her parents...
should I bother asking W if she told them that we are S and that her mom send me texts asking how I am and stuff?

[Sotto]

Hey Complex, it's nice that her Mum has texted you. Sounds like, even if she doesn't know - she's concerned something may be up. I don't think she would have texted saying HVD if she 'knew.'

You could always let your W know you've had a couple of texts from her Mum & you just want to know what she knows before you respond. Your W may have told her you're having some problems, but not about OP for example.

[Complex]

W said she didn't tell family. That's what I thought bc I believe she would have told me. W said her mom might maybe suspect sth and that's her way to be nosey.
I mean me and W are not on facebook a lot at all anymore. And it's been valentines day. Smart ppl will start to notice.

We are also invited to an engagement party and a birthday party of mutual friends the next 3 weeks. And to two weddings of close family early summer
You gotta understand family is a huge part of our social life. But not so much anymore. This is also very very hard on me.

[Complex]

Damn, motivational issues again today. Slept very long, not sure if it's the meds.
Still need to follow up on some of my GAL activities, but so don't feel like it today. For sure I'll go to the gym.

So in general communication with W loosened a bit. It's not helping my detaching plans and I absolutely don't want to become a doormat or cater her too much. But I also see she feels a little more comfortable around me, which is a good thing. Before there was a lot of tension and anxiety in the house.
I have to proceed with a lot of caution. I'm reading Jack Ito's 'Connecting through yes'. Very good book on communication, includes a lot of stuff about separation too.
I have to keep going detaching etc. Struggling when there's more contact. The early side effects of the meds are not helping either. And I think it's also important that W feels a little less stressed about the living situation, so she doesn't push things overly fast. Bc every time we had a stupid discussion she pulled away faster and just wanted to get out. So more relaxed living is good thing as long as I'm not suffering too much through it and have the energy to keep doing my thing.

Sunday family event is coming up. Pretty scared.

I'm really confused about the whole situation again. Is this 'limbo' thing ok right now, or would it be better to really NC, pulling away myself? I feel like there will be so much more coming up, after I get my greencard.

I just have NO clue what's going on in her head. Why didn't she tell her parents yet? Why hasn't she contacted a lawyer yet (I actually don't know that but I assume)? Why is she still living with me? Is she doing all of this just to 'not screw me over completely, as a favor bc of guilt'? Or maybe she's just letting things roll. I mean I'm completely off the love radar right now. And then OM...I really don't think they sleep with each other and I'm really in the dark right now what's going on. I guess it doesn't really matter... But as you see it's fkn circling and circling in my head.

Progress and throwbacks........

[Sotto]

Complex, slow down and breathe my friend. Glad you had a good long sleep, and make sure you get yourself to the gym. The more you can do for yourself, and look after yourself the better. Try not to worry too much about what W may be doing, your own well-being is your main priority right now, okay?

When things start running around in your head, have you thought of journaling, meditation, yoga? It helps to have activities that you can focus on and turn to when that is happening. Instead of posting about your W, post about some things that you are going to do to help you feel better today. And don't worry about what's going on in her head - as another poster said - it's messy in there, and you don't wanna get that stuff on ya! Remember, say to yourself - I'm just going to focus on me today. That's all. And when your mind starts running ask yourself, is this focusing on me?

[Complex]

Thanks toots. My anxiety is going through the roof. I just can't let go of some thoughts. W went to a Hotel bar on Friday night. She even told me she went there and who she was with and told me OM was not there and she is not lying to me about it. An old nursing friend was in town and they just met at the bar at the hotel where he is staying. But the whole thing just stinks foul. The two friends who were supposed to be there are not friends with me on fb, and only two ppl. The initial friend is not a big one to stay out for so late when she has to work the next day. No bill on the credit card. The way she told me was weirdish.
So far she didn't lie when I asked her about this kind of stuff but it's just a little funky.
I could just ask one of the guys she was with if they all went out and ask not to tell wife bc I want to surprise her with sth. But it'll be suspicious. And if she finds out and I was wrong she'll be super mad and that's a big DB throwback. Worth the risk? I don't know.

I have to let gooooo. But my mind is madness today. And I feel like if I actually find out she was speaking the truth it's a big step towards trusting her more for me. If she lied and met with OM, oh well, then I know at least. I won't freak out.

[Complex]

Phew. I'm still sitting inside the damn house all day. I already wrote out the text to ask her friend is he was with W on Friday. I didn't send it. Although I really want to. I need to think clear first. My mind is making backflips.
I'm going to leave the house now, but groceries or so. My anxiety is completely out of control. I feel like an hour after BD or so.

To at least check off one thing on my to do list I called a mediator/attorney who was referred to me from a good friend. Have a free consultation on Wednesday.

[Complex]

Got a text from W's aunt while being at the gym.
"It's spontaneous but I have spagetti dinner and would like to have you two over".

I have no idea what to do. First thing I just texted wife and let her know about the text. Its just a simple invitation but I don't know. This part of the family is sooo close. But there's a chance my mom emailed the aunt about the issues we have, that's what my mom wanted to do in a while.
My anxiousness is now worse than ever lol. But I got my sht together if I need to.

Does anyone have quick advice on this bc I'm not thinking very clear today..