21 Years - Walkaway Wife - Please Help!

[staytog]

I am presently married but I guess separated, 5 children, 26 to 18, there boys two girls, first two boys 26 and 24 are hers from a previous marriage. Second son is severely autistic and lives in a group home with other autistic children
We married in 1993, 21 years together married, plus one year before. She was a waitress in a restaurant / bar I used to frequent, and I was a young and poor, but ambitious and strong willed just getting started business owner.
I was convicted of tax evasion in January of 2013. She was distraught and wanted me to attend AA, start going to church, and go to marriage counseling. I refused to go to AA (I have gone since while in prison and love it!) , looked into marriage counselors but got frustrated trying to find one and never picked one, and went to church with her a couple times but she wanted to start going to a catholic church, but I refused. She started to get the shakes when around me, wouldn’t allow me to sleep in the same room for a few months, eventually let me back in, but she was seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed Ambien and she was pretty zombie like while sleeping at that point. She moved out for the summer to a local summer resort, forcing me to spend a bunch of money on a house for the summer I thought would be better not spent, but I acquiesced anyway. She was very embarrassed being in the town we lived in, my conviction was on the front page of most newspapers and she felt people were talking. That stuff never bothered me. She told me she wanted to leave me because she couldn’t stand my fighting with the government (I don’t believe they have any right to impose an income tax on us the way they do) and she told me she would have never thought of leaving me if this hadn’t happened. I self-surrendered to prison camp at the end of July 2013, she was away in her vacation spot and working as a hostess in a restaurant she would later be offered a job managing.
She visited me with our three kids in October, she wasn’t very loving but she was kind as she most always is, and things seemed OK, not good, not great but OK. They came to visit me on Christmas and she told me had been offered a job managing the restaurant she worked over the summer in and she couldn’t turn down the offer and that she was leaving and not coming back. I think my oldest daughter who was 19 at the time knew she was going to tell me she was leaving me, but I think it was a surprise to the youngest two, who were 17 and 18 and seniors who were still in high school. I didn’t think it a good idea for her to leave the kids alone but she wasn’t interested in anything I had to say.
I kept in probably weekly civil communication with her, sometimes we had kid or business issues to talk about, and I don’t think I really cared too much that she was leaving. I can’t remember exactly what she was thinking. I had a friend come in May and encourage me to ask her for forgiveness, which I did, and she said she forgave me, but didn’t want to continue on as my wife. She wanted to be friends, she didn’t hate me, and she loved me but wasn’t in love with me. I started to look at what I thought were many good years and times and started to work on myself and the relationship. I began to write letters, talk to her about our relationship, our children etc. I wrote LOTS of letters over the next 7 months, some mushy, some poems, some whatever. Early letters were probably angry about her leaving the kids alone, when she left to take her present job, at least one of them. She was kind of mad about that one. I sent gifts, I told her I loved her and she would basically hang up the phone at the end after I said that without saying goodbye. I told her that hurt me and she at least stopped hanging up without saying goodbye, I have since stopped saying I love you since reading the Divorce Remedy. I understand lots of what I was doing was a mistake, but it seemed we were making some progress anyway.
There was an incident one drunken night where I jumped into bed with her best friend and she caught me and whacked me on the head. Nothing actually happened. I said I was sorry but it wasn’t enough. She always brought it up, was still hurt, at one point she was yelling at me about it and I told her to get out and leave (divorce) me if she couldn’t accept my apology. It was very hurtful to her, and I regret my words immensely. Anyway I told her I wanted to stay together, she said there was so much I would need to change, and there was the whole best friend issue that she couldn’t get over. She kept bringing this issue up on every call. By early September she had told me she was dating other people. I realized I needed to apologize again and more fully about her friend, and I wrote out a long apology, took responsibility for my actions, read it to her and she said “thank you, that took a huge load off my shoulders” I was ecstatic. It took a huge load off me too. We had a great conversation with probably better communication than ever –oh I should mention I was participating in the government’s RDAP – Resisential Drug Abuse program , cognitive behavioral therapy and AA, so I was a changed person who is much better at listening and communicating. I have read 150 books in the past year, probably 20 relationship books ( just ran across Divorce Remedy) She said we needed to work on being friends. I told her I would be as much or as little a friend as she wanted, but I was working on saving our marriage. She said “This was a good start, I have a lot to think about” I was very excited. I tend to have a pattern of getting overexcited and swarming her. I sent her some flowers to work – which she left out for everyone to see for 10 days – but never mentioned them to me. The next day I called and told her I wasn’t asking her to leave her job or move back home. Her voice was amazing and loving, but she reiterated she wanted to be friends at this point. I called her the next Monday, a few days later and she was irate. I had sent a letter a few weeks before to her parents telling them she was a wonderful woman, the issues were all because of me, they were great in-laws, I couldn’t have asked for better and I was trying to work it out with their daughter. She took it as me trying to control them and yelled at me and asked me not to call her for a while. I refrained from calling for two weeks.
Two weeks later I called back and she was sweet again. Have I mentioned I think she is menopausal? She is 48 and was talking about it when I went to prison. I think this causes me to have to deal with major mood swings. Anyway, we talked about the kids, and the kid discussions seem to always go well. I complimented her on how beautiful she was in a couple of graduations photos I was sent by my kids, she really liked that. I complimented her on her emotional intelligence, and she REALLY likes to hear that. She sees herself as great with people, and she generally is, but she can be judgmental and unforgiving and critical if you piss her off
I believe have an illegitimate son out there I have never met, from before I was involved with her. She was trying to get ahold of the mother and get me in touch with him I think a few years back. We talked about him, what I should do, how I should tell our kids, etc. I think this went really well. She likes to talk about kids and relationships. She wished I had established a relationship with him earlier. His mom asked me not to, and he was the product of a very brief relationship, so I abided by her wishes to raise him by herself. She was 10 hours away from me or so.
In late September 2014 I had a very good visit with my kids. My relationship with them are better than ever. They take care of me now. The kids told her about the changes they saw in me, they told her how calm and nice I was now. I told her how I thought the visit went and asked her to tell me if my perception was different than our children’s. She said they told her the same thing I thought about the visit. I asked her how she was doing at the end of the conversation. She said “I have to figure out what I want” I was very excited to hear that, because a few months before she DEFINITELY didn’t want me! I asked “what DO you want?” She said, I don’t know but I know what I don’t want. I told her I didn’t want to go backwards either, referring to what she always said in the past when she was telling me she didn’t want to go forward with our relationship. Another thing I find interesting is she has NEVER said the word divorce. She put it in a letter once early on but has never uttered it from her lips. I was very happy after this call.
A week later on 10/8 she was very clear she wanted to “move forward” and not “go backwards” I told her I hoped she could find it in her heart to give us and our family a chance.
There were a couple weekly calls that I can’t recall the content of, one was my daughter wanting to go to Haiti on a school trip to work with orphans. I told her I wasn’t exactly excited about it but I am OK with it if that is what she wants.
On 10/26 I called as she was on her way to my son’s birthday party. Started out good, she was very kind and loving (my 20 year old daughter was next to her) I asked her to add me to her health insurance when I got out and this caused a bad reaction as it would cost a bunch of money (I thought it would be no charge) I smoothed it over and explained we were having a miscommunication, I didn’t want her to do anything that would cost her money. We were good at the end of this call
On 10/29 I apologized again for bringing up health insurance, told her my son told me how much he missed his mom (she is 4 hours away now) and how much he enjoyed seeing her and his brother (her autistic son) and what a good time he had on his birthday. I told her on this call how great she was at everything she does (she is – it is easy to compliment her, I never have to lie) PTA, teacher, mother wife, fundraiser, etc. She was VERY appreciated. She likes compliments.

Her Love Languages are Quality Time and Gifts – seems she likes words too. I am Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. She is great at Acts of Service – Words of Affirmation – not so much.
She told me she was going HOME for Thanksgiving, asked if I was going to be able to be HOME for Christmas, said she would come if I was, if not she would take the kids to her. I told her assume I would be, but I wasn’t sure.
On 11/1 I talked to her while she was in the car. She asked how I would be without the “structure” I totally misinterpreted what she was asking. I told her I would be fine without the structure of the prison. What she was asking (I asked the next day) was how I would be without the structure of the RDAP drug and alcohol program I was in. How would the changes last! It was nice to figure out she was worried about the changes lasting!
On 11/2 I called and asked her how the most beautiful woman in her town was doing? She got mad saying I was trying to be more than friends. I said I WAS trying to heal our marriage. She knows this, I have always made it abundantly clear ( I thought) . She talked about not wanting me to be controlling when I got home (I haven’t been – I think) Her tone was very nice after the beginning. We ended this call on good terms.
11/9 I called for two minutes in the afternoon after repeated no answers in the morning. She was VERY sweet – told me I sounded good. First compliment in years and it felt great! Her voice that day melted my heart. She repeatedly asked if I was ok . I said I missed her and it was nice to hear her voice. She was very kind and pleasant.
11/12 Called and asked how things were going. She was very talkative, talked about the new place she was moving to to manage and the festival she was working on. She said going HOME for Thanksgiving again. I love to hear her call home home. She asked me what I wanted the kids to cook me for Christmas dinner. I didn’t like that because I read into that to mean she wasn’t coming. I told her that it was great to hear her compliment of how I sounded, she said she knew that she hadn’t been good at saying nice things to me – seemed to me she was looking at her role in the issues in our relationship. Overall it was a good call with very good communication between us.
11/16 I called to apologize for what I had said to her a few years back – “IF you can’t accept my apology leave me and get out of the house” It was bad and I felt I needed to apologize. She has told me in the past she didn’t want me to apologize for stuff but I figured this was bad, she had mentioned it in the letter she sent me telling me she wanted a divorce – BTW she has never said divorce, only move forward, she said she forgives but can’t forget. I told her I didn’t feel forgiven. Told me she didn’t want to get back with me now, and didn’t know if she’d want to get back with me in the future. Said she was dating. Said she had been single where she is for a year. We are still married BTW. Said she wanted to move forward.
11/18 I thought it was my anniversary – I was a day early! I had a few minutes left on my account. I had send her a handmade card with a poem and I was anxious to hear her reaction. The poem was great if I do say so myself, but she didn’t get the card yet. She was shopping. I told her “Thanks for our wonderful children, thanks for all the wonderful experiences and memories, thanks for taking care of me all these years, I can’t find the words to express how much I appreciate it. Happy Anniversary” She said, in a very loving voice – you didn’t have to say that. I said I did, because that is how I feel. She talked again about going home for Thanksgiving. I asked if I could call tomorrow when minutes renewed she said sure, I don’t have much going on tomorrow. Great call, very kind and loving on both our parts. At the end of the call she said “I’m counting the days til you get home. I was ecstatic.
11/19 our 21st anniversary. I was limited to the times I could call, I generally called her between 1:30 and 2:30 because I know it was not a busy time in the restaurant. I called at 2, 2:20 and 2:40. No answer, I went to chow, then I went to work. Came back and called her at 5PM. Got her and she was mad as a hornet. Apparently my 3 calls had interrupted her taking notes at a meeting she was in. said she felt claustrophobic, said she felt like she had to be nice to me because of my situation, she said if she was too nice to me I would take it the wrong way. As she was yelling at me I stopped her and asked her if she wanted me to stop calling her. She just kind of stopped and said “No” like it was a stupid statement. She started yelling again and after a while I again asked her if I should not call her any more, and she again said ”No” in a tone that sounded like I was asking a stupid question.
11/23 I called and apologized for making her worry, which she does when she has missed calls from me. I apologized for putting her through this whole ordeal of me being convicted and going to prison. She said she hadn’t heard from me what she wants to hear. I don’t have any idea what that is, and she hasn’t told me since I‘ve been out. I have been thinking about asking what it is she wants to hear from me, but figured I’d get advice from the board first. Not a very good call, she was getting ready for work and was kind of hostile.
12/9 I was released. I am sure there were calls in the last couple weeks but apparently I didn’t note them. Since I have been released we have had good calls, bad calls and everything in between. I feel she doesn’t ever give me the benefit of the doubt, and I find myself being yelled at for really no reason if she would take a minute to let me explain myself. Mostly about stuff not being paid and back taxes and such. I am always able to recover and our calls go back to somewhere between civil and very nice. I have mostly kept them business since it is the holiday season and I didn’t want to talk about any contentious issues.
It was funny, about a week before Christmas, I was reading Divorce Remedy for the first time, I set goals, one of which was she would call me instead of me calling her. I was out at an appointment when I did that, and when I got back to the halfway house and asked for my phone it was ringing, and it was her! She was calling to apologize for yelling at me the day before! The first apology I can ever remember from her in 22 years together! I am sure there were probably more but certainly not recently. This was her first call to me in 17 months or more!
Christmas she came up, but she told me her parents, who I love, were uncomfortable with me being at the house. I told her the only thing I wanted more that to be with my kids for Christmas was for her to be with her kids as I knew how important Christmas was to her. She had her parents to our house. I went to work and the plan was for the kids to come our three and her oldest, whom was 3 when we met, for Chinese food. I had no idea whether she would come, I expected her not to. I waited and waited and finally they showed up, and she came! I was so excited. She let me give her a big hug and I whispered in her ear how beautiful she looked, and she gave me a big hug back while rubbing my back. I thought we were off to a good start. I tried to get her into some family pictures but she resisted, I asked twice then backed off, that was probably too much pressure. I should have known better. No pressure on her. We were talking about any famous people coming in to her restaurant, my daughter said she met Eric Holder’s kids, and her oldest son asked who Holder was – I said “The guy who put me in jail” She got pissed. I think she figures it was my political beliefs that got me in trouble and I don’t think she liked hearing that. When she left she wouldn’t let me hug her. I told her again how beautiful she looked, and she said “thank you” in a good tone, and drove off. Talking to her the next day she made it quite clear she was upset with me saying that about Holder.
So that is basically my story. I want more than anything to win her back. I would like the input of the board and I am more than likely going to hire one of the counselors.
She has told me she would do family therapy, but not marriage therapy. I am hesitant on finding a therapist, because I know they can be harmful. I do know she was seeing a psychologist who prescribed Ambien to help her sleep after my trial. I think this person convinced her she needed to move on. She was talking a lot about how terrible the last 20 years were for her. I didn’t think they were all that terrible, neither does anyone else. I know this is something all women seem to do when they are breaking up their families. Awfulizing. We certainly had communication issues, but I believe our marriage is salvageable, and I believe deep down she wants to save it, and I certainly do. I appreciate your insights!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[staytog]

Thanks! I have seen your standard post before. Other things I should say are she is 4 hours away. I can't get to her as I am in a halfway house until Feb and on home confinement til June. She works 80 hours a week and for the most part 7 days a week. She has agreed in the past to family therapy. Should I set it up for us? She may or may not come if I set up marriage counseling. We are talking regularly, and it is at least civil, but sometimes she yells. I feel there is an underlying anger because of issues we haven't spoken about yet. She feels my political views endangered the family I think. She says she wants to get along and she wants to be friends. She says the kids don't care whether we split up, which, according to my kids is NOT true. She said her parents were uncomfortable with being with me for Christmas, and I kind of doubt that unless she told them something horrible, and there really isn't anything horrible that happened in our relationship. My kids say she is acting like a 15 year old.

I am her second husband, two oldest are from her first 5 year (or so) marriage. When she left her first husband she moved to a resort area a couple hours away, got a job in a bar, met me. This time she left me, went to a very similar resort area , got a job in a bar, met guys there... She is repeating the same behavior. Also left us both for bottom line lack of quality time and communication..

[staytog]

Oh, and as far as time goes, I had 16 months courtesy of the Federal Govt to take care of myself. I changed in the ways she wanted me to I believe, but for me. I lost 65 pounds. I am a much different man, and she knows it. That is why she started to vacillate on wanting me back I believe. She kept asking how did she know the change was real and lasting. I told her she just had to watch, and I told her I don't blame her for being skeptical..

[Cadet]

Oh, and as far as time goes, I had 16 months courtesy of the Federal Govt to take care of myself. I changed in the ways she wanted me to I believe, but for me. I lost 65 pounds. I am a much different man, and she knows it. That is why she started to vacillate on wanting me back I believe. She kept asking how did she know the change was real and lasting. I told her she just had to watch, and I told her I don't blame her for being skeptical..

Actions speak louder than words.

Sounds like you still have lots of work to do on yourself and their will be no shortcuts or easy buttons around that.

How can you make yourself into a man that only a fool would leave?

[staytog]

I should also say if I didn't she has been gone a year. She told me she was leaving last Christmas, and I saw her for the first time this Christmas.

[staytog]

[/quote] Actions speak louder than words.

Sounds like you still have lots of work to do on yourself and their will be no shortcuts or easy buttons around that.

How can you make yourself into a man that only a fool would leave? [/quote]

I agree. I think I have done that. I need to be stronger I think. I am 4 hours away from her and she is working 80 hours a week and most of the time 7 days. We talk, but I'm not sure what actions I can take other than spending more time with the kids doing family stuff. I know she likes that. The kids are 18 19 20 24 and 26 so I'm not sure they are all that excited about spending a bunch of time with me! I am all ears though

[staytog]

She said she would go for family therapy. I am thinking of finding a therapist based on Michelle's guidelines. Is that a good idea at this point? Thanks for your help!

[staytog]

Is there any way to modify messages after you post? I'd like to make the original more readable..

[staytog]

Very upset tonight, I know she is out to dinner with another guy. It is hard to take this without reacting to it. The worst part about it is my oldest daughter friended the guy on Facebook and liked the post about them being out to dinner. I feel sick in my stomach.