need help 4 - final

[lostluv]

Just out of curiosity, if D isn't what you want, why did you file? Why didn't you give it a little time and let your wife handle that?

in the beginning, D is the last thing I wanted. I tried and struggled for 6 months only to realize she had her mind made up from the beginning. She moved out and insisted divorce was the only way. the more I thought about it, what would keep her from doing the same thing a short while down the road IF we would try to work things out later?? nothing. we agreed on everything and there is no contest nor is there any major fighting. we are going our separate ways and will be "friends" for our daughter. If, and that is a very strong IF, we would ever even consider getting back together.....we would have to start from scratch anyways. I'm not going to hold onto the string for years hoping she will change her mind and come back. So, I filed ..... the ultimate "letting go" of the rope. Honestly, I feel better knowing how things are than I did HOPING how they MIGHT be or not be.

I guess it's a form of tough love. I've learned to just let go of things that are NOT in my control. and it's a good feeling not breaking down and crying because I don't know what is going to happen or because I am wanting her back.

[Mozza]

the more I thought about it, what would keep her from doing the same thing a short while down the road IF we would try to work things out later?? nothing.

What would keep anyone from doing the same thing to you?

[lostluv]

the more I thought about it, what would keep her from doing the same thing a short while down the road IF we would try to work things out later?? nothing.

What would keep anyone from doing the same thing to you?

hahaha nothing! exactly my point. i'm fine with that. I'm not going to spend my life walking on egg shells.

[lostluv]

I don't see separation as a way to work on things. I only contact the her when it has to do with my daughter. on occasion she will borrow a tool or something. as far as "dating" while separated as suggested in the past..... not an option for me at this point.

if you are referring to what have I done to change..... well, I have read a lot and have learned how to communicate "love" and "needs". IF i should ever decide to enter another relationship, I will be more aware.

[lostluv]

So , today I dropped off my daughter at my stbx's place. I updated her on things about my daughter and then told my daughter bye, i love you and gave her a kiss and high five (normal routine). then i told her "See you later" . she acted somewhat irritated like she wanted me to hang around or something. Later I text her to confirm the schedule for visitation and she seemed petty chatty via text but I kept it short.

I have been completely detached for about 3 weeks and have been out doing the GAL stuff. I feel great about everything so far except I miss my daughter when she is not around.

i was having a discussion with someone about my situation and they asked about any chance of reconciling and said there has to be feeling still there. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I would have to say no. There are still feelings but not ones that would make me want to try the marriage again....mostly in fear that it would just happen again in a few years. I mean part of me would want to , but for the wrong reason....my daughter. A marriage cannot be a successful happy marriage if it is being portrayed just for the kids.

6 months ago if you would have asked me, I would have told you that I would wait for years for the chance to get back together. But after struggling with it for several months, breaking down almost every day, being constantly told "i don't love you", "i'm not happy" , "I don't want to be with you" and "there is no way it will work".... it changes a person. we talked several times and she insisted every time that it is over and divorce is the only way.

I'm ok with that now, but i have a feeling that down the road (probably within this year) she will begin to change her mind. I've thought about it a lot and like I said, the only reason I can come up with to even consider it is my daughter...... in a way that makes me sad. It makes me feel like I am letting my little girl down.



for me, this sight and advice is a way to get you past feeling like a failure and depressed to make you realize that you ARE worth something. it's human nature to want what you can't have....and I feel that's why "divorcebusting" works for some. but unless BOTH people really want it.... it only works temporarily. because eventually (without major changes on both sides) one or both will get complacent again and the same old situation will arise or the marriage will continue to struggle for years.

It's time to just move forward, continue working on ME, love my daughter and be involved with her as much as possible. I will remain "friends" and wish the best for her. Hopefully she will find happiness and allow me to do the same.

part of me says it [censored], while the other part of me is looking at the opportunity given to me.


I appreciate all the help and support I have gotten here. I hope to touch base once in a while and update what is going on. It seems this thread is pretty dead LOL and I don't blame you..... why contribute to something that is obviously over right?

that's exactly what I realized about my marriage. I've ultimately let go of the rope.

I know some will look down on me for "giving up", but if you were in the situation (not just reading about it) an dwent through EVERYTHING.... maybe you would make the same decision.