Reading your sitch this week has helped me a lot. I think you show a great deal of strength and insight in adversity, and all of that says volumes (of good things!) about you.
"Indeed, I feel he is searching for love that will save him from loneliness and give his life meaning. I think if he finds that love he will 'change back' to the sweet and wonderful guy."
This comment chimed with me. My H has said something similar to me - that the main thing was having love in his life, and there being a great hole of loneliness right in the middle of his heart. But I think what my H doesn't see was that this love was right there under his nose all of the time!
You say that finding that love may change him back to the lovely sweet guy he was. I'm not sure about that at all. My H is frantically pursuing this 'love' with an OW who seems really unsuitable and is still on/off involved with an OM. It doesn't seem like the road to happiness, and I think the big error is seeking that love (affirmation) from someone else - particularly in these circumstances, where you are being unfaithful and abandoning a loving wife. Our WAS's need to look within - but that feels very scary and painful - and so they don't do that.
BD for me was in July, so we are almost 5 months now with very little movement. In the first couple of months, we talked a lot and I was his 'friend.' Crunch time for me was when he started confiding to me how OW was not very nice to him, and was distant with him sometimes. I couldn't be his confidante in that way and I told him so. After that I dropped the rope and went NC. We haven't spoken for 3 months now, and he has told others our R is over - although he hasn't told me. I just find it all really weird.
I have struggled with many of the things you seem to have struggled with. Should I be a friend? Should we stay in touch? Should we do stuff together? Should I be NC etc. Others have commented that my sitch seems a bit 'stuck' right now, and I'm going to reassess things in the new year. But it's hard for me to see that anything is going to make any difference right now.
I'll keep following your sitch anyway and see how things go with you. Your H certainly sounds as though he doesn't have much 'good' to offer you right now, and it sounds like the right thing to withdraw and live your own 'calmer' life. But who knows how things will be going forwards eh?
Best wishes to you anyway! Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This sounds like your WAH coming out party. Designed so you could see all the glory. A fanfare of how wonderful life could be in his party.
It is designed to shock and repel. Put on your poker face, reinforce your boundaries and observe. My H did something similar when we went on holiday, treated me to a week of drunken unpleasant behaviour whilst he partied with his golfing buddies. I contacted a friend and we went to a spa for a couple of days.
Detach, cool, detach. Pull way back and observe.
H lifestyle, H choices, nothing you can do. Let him fall, hit rock bottom, run up and down the same old cheese less tunnel with the other blind mice. It isn't physically possible to maintain a normal life doing this and drugs are an extra dash of the mean and nasties.
I am saddened I read this, but your DB friends are here to respond in any way we can with love for you. Reaching out with hugs Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/28/1412:26 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It's funny now that I think back on it my H has been boozing, partying and womanizing since BD. The pattern started a bit before BD. He's trying to keep up with his new peers at the office, but this is not the H I knew before. He was the type to go home early from a party. I don't think he can keep this up for much longer but honestly I didn't think he could keep it up this long.
My H keeps telling me he is unhappy. He has said that he is unhappy ad lonely and confused so many times since BD. He even looks unhappy. But at the same time he does not ask me to reunite. I don't understand this. Is he waiting for me to say something? Is he still unsure what he wants? I have not probed more deeply into what his unhappiness stems from or what his confusion is about. Perhaps he is not even upset over me, but the fact that OW1 rejected him...
It's funny, I saw him and was so disgusted, but since then I can't stop thinking about him. I even want to reach out to him whereas a week ago I didn't even feel like responding to his messages. I know that I should not reach out. That I should sit tight and wait and see what he does next.
I guess a part of me sees his behavior and recognizes the pain he is in and the suffering he is experiencing as part of this crisis and I want to talk to him, to help him, to advise him. I know I cannot but the urge is there. A part of me still cares for him and wants to help. But I know I cannot help, that I am the last person who should help.
I need to just focus on myself, my own life and my own happiness. And I am. I have a great full life with lots of friends and activities. But this situation is like a black cloud that is following me around.
Oh and after all my advice to Mozza and others about not looking at facebook, I looked at his page. Well, once a month isn't so bad right? I saw some photos of him at recent parties. He actually looked okay in the photos. I wondered if that scary skinny sad demon I saw the other day was only a reflection of my mind?
I'm getting pretty scared about New Years Eve. We always had the most romantic new years together and I am scared I will be severely depressed no matter what I do. Trying to find a way to do something completely different but it is difficult. Taking a trip would be a good idea but I can't make that happen right now unfortunately.
Just venting here guys, sorry to bore you with my thoughts. I hope everyone is having a nice weekend!
Blah. I'm feeling the same, Lisa. I wish I knew what we could do to make those clouds go away.
Do you know the song Dancing Nancies, by Dave Matthews Band? I often get the lyrics stuck in my head as I think about my sitch ("Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes, But I'll work it out"). The next few lines seem fitting also ("What's the use in worrying, what's the use in hurrying, Turn turn we almost become dizzy") Oh yes we do!
Hang in there girl. New Years is just another day in the grand scheme of things.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
As the year changes to a new one I have been doing some thinking about letting go of the old and welcoming in the new.
What I want to let go of: sadness anger fear jealousy hurt blame
What I want to welcome: new opportunities new experiences fun adventures love happiness peace
In thinking about letting go of my anger, hurt and sadness I realized something. Maybe it is different for you, or maybe you can relate. Before BD, I was not happy with my relationship. There were many things I wished were different. Sometimes I even day dreamed about what life would be like if I was single.
For the past 6 months I have been angry and hurt about what happened to me, angry and hurt that my H would make the decision to leave me and cause me to suffer. But now I see that maybe it was not HIS decision at all. Maybe it was MINE.
Maybe I behaved in ways that subtly pushed him out the door. Maybe I wasn't 100% committed myself. Maybe I didn't do my best. No not maybe, definitely.
Of course this is part of Divorce Busting. Taking a deep look at what you might have done badly and making every effort to improve yourself. We are all doing this. But there is another element for me. Maybe I WANTED HIM TO LEAVE. Maybe it was my decision. Maybe I purposely wasn't the best I could be. Maybe I was not happy with him.
Turning the tables on the blame and anger freed something in me. It gave me my power back. It was my choice. I'm not a victim. I was bored, frustrated, annoyed, doubtful and I behaved in ways that pushed my H away. And I didn't care enough to change my ways until he left.
I can look deeper into this and ask myself why and how and what. But right now it doesn't matter. Right now what matters is that it was not just something that happened to me, it was my choice. Somewhere inside I knew what was happening and I did not care!
And now we are not speaking and sometimes that makes me very sad and angry. But that is my choice too. He wanted to be friendly but I cut him off. These are my decisions.
I'm not in control of him or any other person on this earth, but I can be in control of myself and my own life decisions, at least to some extent. That is empowering to remember and helps to free me from anger and hurt.
In this new year I am going to do some new things, some of which are inspired by you kind people here. I am going to meditate and take up yoga again, I am going to travel, I am going to boost my career, I am going to read more books. And I am going to spend more time appreciating my friends and family who I love deeply.
I hope all of you have a happy new year filled with hope and promise.
Maybe I behaved in ways that subtly pushed him out the door. Maybe I wasn't 100% committed myself. Maybe I didn't do my best. No not maybe, definitely. (...) Maybe I WANTED HIM TO LEAVE. Maybe it was my decision. Maybe I purposely wasn't the best I could be. Maybe I was not happy with him.
This is just about what my IC is telling me. He thinks I was pushing W away because I was not happy with her and that I was not able to leave the R because of some principles. I've to say that I still fight this idea, because despite my annoyances at my W (and there was a peak before she left) I always felt in love with her, that we were married for good and I was happy about it.
I'm impressed that you came to this conclusion by yourself. It seems to be a perspective that applies to a lot of people around here, as we realized how badly we treated our spouses before they left us. Was it a way for all of us to get WAS to leave us? It's a very difficult idea to accept when you're lovelorn.
On a related note, I often think of myself as the wiser of the two, who sees through this whole sitch better than my W, who understands her better than she does because I've this narrative of the sitch and reconciliation in my head. But sometimes I'm thinking: maybe she's wiser than me, maybe she realized that we were not compatible and had the courage to do what I wouldn't do and leave.
Another thing I realized is that part of me wants my W back so that we can break up "properly". It was done very quickly and under a lot of lies (there was a secret OM), so we never had the true discussion about our compatibility and future together. I feel like the piecing stage would be an opportunity for us to work on M, not excluding deciding jointly to go our separate ways. In a way, I'm upset that she made a unilateral decision. Is this what I want her back?
I'm not sharing all this to say that I don't want my M back. I'm just sharing to show that in the constant storm of thoughts and analysis, a lot of those unexpected perspectives can surface now and then.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Lisa, it was very freeing to me when I realized that I had choices in areas I previously thought I didn't. Realizing I'm not a victim was very empowering. Hold onto this, let it sit, revisit later. You are headed in the right direction.
But sometimes I'm thinking: maybe she's wiser than me, maybe she realized that we were not compatible and had the courage to do what I wouldn't do and leave
. Mozza, I also find myself wondering if perhaps in the future I will actually be saying "thank you" to H for doing this.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
I saw some photos of him at recent parties. He actually looked okay in the photos. I wondered if that scary skinny sad demon I saw the other day was only a reflection of my mind?