Ahoy, when I was semi-dark for a few months with my WAH it made it a bit easier emotionally (the ups and downs were inside my head and not due to something he said). But it was weird when I did see him and felt completely disconnected from this person that I used to know every detail about.
Maybell, my H too is looking terrible. Lost a lot of weight, and he was already thin. Looks like he never goes outdoors. It seems the separation has decreased his appetite. It irritates me, because it was his choice so why is he depressed? But then again I am glad he is depressed. hah.
Congrats on the job interview and good luck! Hugs, Lisa
Vossy, I know, I guess I'm just having a moment. None of my favorite vets dealt with an OW. And I'm highly offended that this one is now openly on his stuff.
I'm not glad he's depressed. I want him to be happy and be with our family. We are happy, there's no reason for him not to share in that.
Something about all the transitions in our life in the 2-3 years leading up to the A, and the fact he started the A while I was organizing the move out here, has been really eating at me. It's not the obvious, but I can't put my finger on it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
One friend really wants to set me up with a nice, good-looking man she knows. While I would like to entertain that idea, I'm not ready, and I don't want to be a user.
I encourage you to reconsider. Going on a date is not a promise nor a commitment. The man won't feel used because you had dinner with him without any intention of sleeping with him or developing a long term relationship. In fact, most dates lead nowhere. The date is just like any other night out for you. It sounds like something new for you, something that would help you gain a new perspective in your sitch. I'm sure you'd get great material from it.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Maybell, I've been following along and I'm surprised by this encouragement to date from friends and even posters here. Perhaps I missed something, but you are still married, right?
Yep, still married. No desire not to be. I think people want my H to be shocked into his right mind. I don't think my dating would do that. I think he'd take it as permission to be more obvious about dating himself.
And as I say, dating casually while married isn't who I want to be. I have 2 friends in EA's and it makes me queasy because it's so destructive. My H might not care but I want to be able to hold my head high for my kids, myself, and God.
Last edited by Maybell; 11/02/1402:05 PM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I totally agree that going on dates with a romantic intent while you are still married and while you know that you're not in the right head space to begin a real relationship is a no-no.
HOWEVER, going out with people with the clear intention of building friendships, and drawing clear boundaries when it comes to expectations, is a different matter. (I went on a platonic "date" last night, as you know.) I don't intend to date romantically until well after our D, and even then I know it will take me some time to feel complete within myself before I can open myself up to the idea of another relationship.
But in the meantime, don't be afraid to meet new folks and have some fun. I joined a lot of Meetups, and that's widening my social circle in a non-romantic way that feels good.
My H looks rough too, with his spotty beard, and he's put on weight, and his hair is a mess. Even so, when I see him, it's hard to let go of all the emotions that have built up around this person over the last 15 years.
Like you, I plan to backburner the H for a while and move on with life "as if." I need to turn my attention completely away from him. I'm guessing I should also turn down social invitations from him while he's seeing the OW?
Keep us posted on the job front! Hugs!
Last edited by Ahoy; 11/02/1403:48 PM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I set up the empty guest bedroom (H took the guest bed) to be the kids' games & reading room. Put the TV from my bedroom in there (I never used it and it's bad feng shui to have a TV in the bedroom) in there and set up the xBox for the kids, adding Netflix all by myself -- these used to be H's responsibilities, but I am capable!! Now I have a space to send the kids to play or watch a movie when I have friends over, and S8 has a place to go and read quietly by himself when he needs alone time (boys share a room). I am so proud of myself!!! It looks great.
Good for you for setting up the guest room! Sounds like the kids will enjoy it:-)
In regards to friends encouraging you to date, I always say that I'm not the moral barometer-that is not my job in life. However, for me personally, I could not date while married. Heck, I can't really date divorced:-). Seriously, for me it was an issue of going against MY moral barometer. My xh was well entrenched with OW and that's their deal. I could not look at my children or even myself and consider dating while m. That's just not the person I wanted to be. To each his own I suppose.
Good luck on the job front. Paws crossed for you!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
you mentioned that the ordeals seem to be either 6 months or so, or years.
Unless a spouse is just kind of "Freaking out" with a quick resolution, (and it's still good to come here so they can avoid becoming a divorce statistic a year or two later)...
most marriage problems of any duration, require many months or years to repair.
IF you have a marital crisis, and it's deep and real, it has to be fully studied and repaired to restore the marriage.
NOT just reconcile but REPAIR AND RESTORE....and that takes time.
I've seen many couples rush the reconciliation and in fear, they move back in and pretend all is well....and only weeks or months later they are broken again, b/c they never really repaired the problems they had. (You can see the signatures wherein LBSers write "reconciled X date and then BD#2.." happens, which means they did NOT truly reconcile or restore their marriage; they just moved back in together.
One or both were operating in fear, not honest self evaluation and authentic change.
Maybe you can Learn to see time as a friend...
The "Secret" to doing all this is that it's not a secret. We tell everyone here to work on themselves and stop focusing on their spouse or what they think are their spouses flaws.
GAL is required for Detachment. IT cannot be stressed enough. It's also a great way to make sure you are happy and content in your life regardless of what a WAS does...and imo, GAL is KEY to your happiness.
(Its so odd to see people here for a long time, still berating their spouses and NOT owning their own role in the problems or working on becoming their best selves. I DO NOT think "venting" here is that helpful. I know for me, it kept me stuck in my anger and victimhood. When I stopped recounting all my h's errors and how HE hurt ME, I finally got somewhere.
Yes I can say honestly today, that my h erred a lot. He did hurt me AND our children. And once you admit all that, you have to ask yourself if you still want to make it work, but know it only works with forgiveness. Which means you do not get to throw it in their face, or hold it over their heads forever, OR act as if you are owed (that last part took me awhile).
You must let it go.
Focus on making yourself happy and healed. Staying in your own sandbox, and out of theirs.
Work on becoming the best YOU that you can become. Let go of the past and the scorecards of what they did to you, and all of that.
Learning what forgiveness is and doing it, means so much here. It is Key.
NO Long term marriage is happy, without forgiveness. Period.
IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU BELIEVE THEY "DESERVE FORGIVENESS" ---B/C you cannot restore your marriage without it. Period.
Begin Looking forward to the happier more fulfilling life YOU are creating for yourself.
Think about that^^^...
Who wouldn't want to be around you then?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
