Honestly, that's what I WISH I did the first time we were separated. I truly think things would have been monumentally different if I just backed completely away from the marriage, built up my circle, respected her circle, and then see how things worked out from there.
It's hindsight now but for newbies to the board, I can tell you without a doubt that detachment is the more important than anything. If I did back in February & March what I've done the last two months, my W and I would probably be well on our way to building a stronger marriage. But like so many on here, I freaked the "f" out because it blindsided me so badly and I panicked. And it just pushed her further away.
But, I'm human and prone to human emotions. Surrendering control of my W was the hardest thing I had to do and it took me a while to do it. Not controlling in an unhealthy manner, but there's always a certain amount of control each spouse has over the other in every marriage. I never was the husband that said, "you aren't allowed to talk to this person," or "I'll handle all of the money and I'll give you some spending cash," or, "your place is with the kids," or anything like that.
But I think I was in denial in late-July/early-August after she moved out. I think part of me still thought she wanted to be my wife and that dating other guys was not allowed. Oh boy was I wrong. When I found out she had been talking/dating this guy for a couple of weeks, I was so pissed off. And man did she come back at me. I made things so, so much worse for myself. I think at first (according to my neighbors that are friends with this guy), they were just hanging out as friends. And then when I got mad about it, it just pushed her closer to him. I know he isn't a bad guy at all (I've met him a few times) so I'm sure I didn't do myself many favors in early-August.
Since then though, I've been a model ex. When I found out he'd been staying there (he was leaving one morning when I dropped off the kids.....we have an agreement that nobody either of us date is allowed around the kids until we know that it's going to be a serious relationship.) about a month ago, I asked her if things were getting serious. She said "we haven't slept together or anything like that.....but I can say we aren't just friends."
There were so may responses I could have made to that that would have been damaging. But I said "it's none of my business. You two are adults and you're human as much as I am. What you guys do is up to you." And it hasn't come up since then.
To her defense, she has had a much easier time with the boundaries thing. If it bothers her that I've been casually seeing someone (not sure if she knows or not), then she certainly doesn't let it on that it does. But then again, she's much better at internalizing her feelings than I am.
Me: 33 W: 27 S: 5 D: 2 Bomb: 1/2/14 First Separation: 1/25/14 MC: 2/7/14 (one time only) Moved Back in: 3/31/14 W says she wants a divorce and moves out: 7/26/14 Appt to sign dissolution: 12/30/14
trc, I certainly won't defend your W's current behavior or personality. But remember that this really is like an abducted, changed person. Maybe this is who she will be for the rest of her life, maybe the old, marriage-loving W will return someday, and maybe even a new and improved, faithful W will return. Point being, if you are able to fully reconcile like your mom did with your dad, it will not be with the person who is sleeping around outside of your marriage. If you make it, she would be a changed, vastly person, too, not just you. I would not blame you for a second for dropping the rope if that's what you felt is best for you, but don't think you are doing all of this work to try to save an M with a weak-minded adulterer. That's not who you would remain married to.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
When I found out he'd been staying there (he was leaving one morning when I dropped off the kids.....we have an agreement that nobody either of us date is allowed around the kids until we know that it's going to be a serious relationship.) about a month ago, I asked her if things were getting serious. She said "we haven't slept together or anything like that.....but I can say we aren't just friends."
There were so may responses I could have made to that that would have been damaging. But I said "it's none of my business. You two are adults and you're human as much as I am. What you guys do is up to you."
And yet there are so many responses you could have made that might've been a little less . . . validating? I would've just said "Thank you for letting me know," or "Thank you for being honest with me."
