Maybell the VIIIth

[Maybell]

Ouch, KGirl.

He's going to do what he's going to do. I can see the upside of it or I can break my heart over it or I can file. Upside is the best of three not great options.

I thought I'd invite him to spend the last evening before start of school with us but I'm not sure how to, and not sure he'd want to.

I want to be able to say something light and friendly to him but we kind of exhausted our current options just now in a brief chat about D11 starting middle school.

Help!!!

[KGirl]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to be ouch! I just honestly want to know how people can get past that. I had a bunch of posters before tell me not to settle for being plan B and reconciling that with the notion of letting them roam is confusing. I see what you are saying about looking for the upside.

[Maybell]

Should I feel good that he said he hope my week got better in a text exchange about our daughter? Or is that neutral?

[Maybell]

Btw, I don't want him to date. But it's true that if he does, it won't lead him any further from me. It's not like any woman who would date a married father of three who travels constantly is going to be an upgrade.

[KGirl]

There are different viewpoints around here on how to look at what he said:
-it could be a baby step in the right direction, and mwd encourages us to watch for those as signs of progress, or
-it could mean nothing.
Appreciating it for what it is without any expectations about what it could mean or lead to seems to be a good approach. I personally will not get hopeful about anything unless I hear something concrete from H (e.g. "I screwed this up, I want you back in my life, what will it take")

[Meghan]

Maybell - apparently I fell asleep while posting on your thread last night, and now everything's moved on - sorry about that!

I think what KGirl has said about looking at the test is good advice. It's a nice sentiment, and good that he's voicing something positive about you, but try not to read too much into it. It's definitely not a bad thing, but seeing it as neutral is probably the best approach for you.

As for the question of H. dating, I can certainly understand focusing on the upside as the best of the options available. Another important thing would be how he frames the dating if he tried to reconcile. There's a difference between "no one else would have me, so here I am" and "I've made an awful mistake - no one holds a candle to you, oh what a fool am I, please take me back and I will atone until the end of days". Unfortunately, I have no idea how you'd verify his true feelings about where dating got him if it actually happened, but that's probably a case by case thing, and you probably know him well enough to figure some of that out.

[Maybell]

The attorney sent the draft property settlement agreement to me by email. I don't know what she's been doing, it's mostly boilerplate with no numbers filled in. The most important questions are blank.

I actually would prefer to leave the PSA to wait till March or April. Disposition of the house is meant to be addressed in it and as I can't keep the house but don't want to have to move till it's clear we won't recover, I want to let this go as long as possible. My state seems to really hate divorce. Thankfully.

It was a kick in the stomach to see that in my inbox.

[Maybell]

Just had a longish text exchange with H. It almost ended but I thought how much I want to see him smile and so I closed it with

He replied with an invitation to a family dinner Sunday.

It's the night before first day of school so I'd intended to ask if he wanted to do something, but hadn't decided how or what. So I accepted.

Then I asked why he only invited me to family dinners.

Whole discussion of awkward and baggage, yadda yadda. I say I'm remembering what I used to like about him and that I'd like to spend time seeing that again because it's been so long. He raises the question of expectations. I say, no expectations, my head is all over the place too. Then I backtrack, I've probably said too much.

He says no, you haven't said too much. Why don't we have lunch or dinner this week? I say it doesn't have to be big. I just want us to smile and not be tense. He says that's a good place to aim. He says we'll figure it out this weekend.

I probably did too much but I felt like I ought to give a little seeing as how is rejected two invitations last week. And I feel like the family things are worse than nothing. I'm not in favor of those.

My primary goal at the moment is that he gets to IC and he starts getting the ADD addressed. Thanks to my state's long view on divorce, I have time to work with. If I drag my feet on the PSA I can buy time on that end.

He is so busy I can't imagine he misses me at all. He's probably really grateful for the quiet apartment. And it may be that we don't have enough in common anymore for much of a friendship even to come together. But I'd like to have the opportunity to find that out more cleanly.

How did I do?

[vossy]

I think it's great he invited you out again, and you accepted. It is certainly better from the DB-ing POV for you to accept his invite than vice versa.

However, I perhaps would have avoided the "Why do you only invite me to family dinners?" question until *at least* after the first family dinner. You see, at this point, he has said he's not ready for something else/new with you, so therein lies the answer to that question.

With that said, though, it seems you both recovered nicely and now you have a lunch/dinner lined up, which is great.. just make sure you do your very best PMA-ing at the lunch/dinner and maybe avoid R talk altogether.

[Maybell]

I went and looked back and I asked about family dinners in response to his saying he didn't know how to make things less awkward. I said the family dinners were the most awkward.

I didn't spell it out, but what I meant was... The one thing he and I always seem to be waiting on is the two minutes of quiet when the kids go off to do their thing and we can be alone together. So when he only invites me to family dinners, then I've basically been invited on an outing that we're both waiting to be over so we can get to the two minutes of alone at the end. I hate that.

He probably doesn't miss me at all and I pushed too hard and I'm just delaying the inevitable. He's probably the one percent of people who really does just want to be alone and I'm just somebody he knows and has to get along with. He doesn't like any of the stuff I like and he's tired of living with someone who gets excited too easily and he's all sophisticated and highly traveled and I've never been anywhere.

And why would I want to be with someone who doesn't find simple things interesting and who traveled the world but never invited me to join him?