I haven't posted in about two months I have been attempting to apply all of the suggested techniques offered by members as well as things read in the books. I must say it is not easy to deal with emotionally especially when children are involved. I love my children dearly and will do anything for them, like most parents on this Forum. Unfortunately, this has caused me to continuously have conversations about salvaging our relationship with my wife, who has left our house with my children and now lives 127 miles away. She has made it clear that she does not want to come back nor wants to save our marriage due to the fact that she's done!!! In the past months I have changed completely. For those who are not familiar with my situation I had some anger issues in the past in my relationship, which almost became physical causing me to seek help, but also causing my wife to leave and give up on our relationship. It has been a tough couple of months because I am doing everything within my power to try and regain my wife's trust as well as her love back. I am seeking counseling on my own, which is working great. I am trying to be the best father for my children which is difficult them being so far away. I was used to seeing them everyday and it's breaking my heart that I can only talk to them on the phone and see them on the weekends. The financial burdens of trying to maintain my home on my income is stressful having to work overtime in order to stay afloat. Again it's not easy, but things I'm sacrificing hoping that time will heal and my family can be together again. Every day that goes by I have less hope of their return, my wife is detaching herself from me and becoming distant. I still feel that she loves me, but she has a wall up that's inpenetrable and shutting me out. I have written her several letters apologizing for my past mistakes and actions looking for closure and forgiveness. I am a smart man that has to accept that it's over, but in my heart I still have hope!!! Am I wrong for this? I have taken the suggestions of getting a life by hanging with friends enjoying my hobbies doing things by myself with my children, which has been rewarding. But then, I think about her and constantly thinking about doing these things as a family like we used to do. I want to start casually dating women, but at the same time I feel guilty because I still want to be with my wife. I have only been separated for 4 months, but I enjoy and miss the companionship of a woman. I'm afraid that it's too soon because I don't want to give up on my relationship but at the same time reality is that she's probably never coming back!!! I feel that I owe it to my family to give it time especially with all of the positive changes that I have made in the past months. It's confusing because my wife says that she has noticed the changes but doesn't believe it will last. She also says that it will make me a better person for the next women that I have a relationship with, but I don't want to be with anyone else but her. This is where the confusion is, I guess I'm afraid to move on because I still have hope to salvage my relationship and willing to sacrifice anything for it to have my family whole again.
Firstly, I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. I was there too.
Its a long road to travel and you will need Patience. Lots and lots of patience.
I felt the same feelings that you are going through now. They hurt like hell and sometimes it seems that it will never end...Trust me, things will get better. It just takes time.
Keep doing the positive things for yourself and make yourself a better man. But do this for yourself! Not for your wife and not somebody else.
Keep being strong for your kids.
If your wife says she is done... believe her. Give her space and time. She will have to choose to come back if SHE wants to. Start becoming, as they say, the man she would be a fool to leave. Start doing all the DB techniques.
Learn all you can about WAS/LBS etc. Follow Sandi's 37 rules. It will help you understand what she is going through and what you have to go through as well.
There is no guarantee that she will come back but, don't give her any excuses to NOT come back either.
Regarding dating: Proceed cautiously. There is nothing wrong with having a female friend to hang with and talk to but, emotionally you are still probably a wreck from the sounds of your post.
Remember: NO EXPECTATIONS!!!
Keep improving yourself and taking care of your kids. You don't have to give up on your relationship but you cant force anything on it either. Love has to be given freely by both people. Give her time and space and LOTS of it.
I stood for my marriage right up until the papers were signed. That was my line in the sand. I gave our marriage every chance I could to be saved but, it was not enough. And sometimes that is the way it goes. Did I do everything perfect? NO! But I did the best I could. And now I am content with the fact that I tried my best but my best wasn't good enough. It was certainly not what I wanted but, when my wife said she was done, she was done. Results will vary.
Advice is free and normally I charge .02 cents for mine but today it is free Learn as much as you can about what you and your wife are going through. Then, try to do everything you can to give your marriage the best chance of survival. When the dust settles, regardless of how it goes, you can sleep at night with no regrets.
That is where I find myself today. I can sleep at night knowing I did the best I could.
1) If you're writing your wife letters, you're not detached.
Give her some space. Let her see you during the times that you see each other, which sounds like it's when you see the kids. If you write her letters, you're pursuing.
Space is your friend here. It sounds counter-intuitive, but give it a try.
2) If you want to get back together with your wife, don't date other women, even casually. In a woman's eyes, "It didn't mean anything" doesn't hold much water. Dating other women does NOT show your wife that you want to get back together with her. I'd wait a while before dipping my toe in the dating pool if I were you.
As with all things, YMMV....(Your mileage may vary).
Good luck! Chin up! Hope you find some positive things in your day!!!
I appreciate the advice, it is easier said than done. I am trying to stay patient and focused on fixing me first. I find it difficult due to the fact that we were a great couple up until a few months ago. We had a great family life with our children doing everything together and now its done.
The separation hurts more due to the fact that my children who are 4 and 6 years of age want their Mom and Dad to be a family and cant understand why. When they are with me on the weekends they are constantly asking why cant we be a family again. I try and explain that Daddy still loves Mommy and you guys and will always be there for you, but its tough when they are used to doing everything with me and seeing me everyday. We now only have telephone conversations, but as we all know their attention spans at that age are short. I look forward to seeing them every other weekend, but its not enough and we are 127 miles apart. I fear that I am going to lose my connection with them because of the distance.
I understand that I must detach from my wife but it is difficult to do when my children are so innocent in all of this. I almost wish I could be able to hate her because it would be easier, but she is a good woman. I made a few mistakes in our relationship not realizing how angry and controlling I made her feel. We lost our way with me not communicating and bottling everything up until everything came crashing down causing me to become an angry Monster.
I now have my eyes wide open sought out professional help, which has made me realize and see things differently. I actually appreciate and love my wife even more now than ever. Is this normal or am I crazy? I feel guilty for making her feel this way and turning a free spirited loving person into a stonewalled B**ch, which is not in her nature. She is one of the most open minded loving people I know and I turned her in the old me. It is almost like I am getting a taste of my own medicine, she is now the angry one and I am the one trying to be calm and rationalize everything.
I am trying to give her space as well as time hoping that someday things may change, but everything is going too quickly. We are already dividing our assets selling our property, me buying her out of our house and her moving contemplating buying a new home. This leads me to believe that their is no hope of her returning in the future due to the fact that she and I will have too much invested, where there is no point of return.
I try and stay positive and strong by seeing the good in the separation. It has made me get help for my anger issues, it has made me realize my flaws and mistakes, it has made me connect with people who I shut out of my life. I guess I must take the good that came with the bad in our breakup. Again I am holding on dearly because I came from a divorced family and never wanted that for my children. Anyway I apologize for my wining and appreciate everyone's support on this website, thank you!
Learn as much as you can about what you and your wife are going through. Then, try to do everything you can to give your marriage the best chance of survival. When the dust settles, regardless of how it goes, you can sleep at night with no regrets. 