Let freedom ring...

[Underdog]

Wishing,

Danger, Will Robinson! Make sure you run this by your attorney (I know I don't even have to say that LOL).

Here in Colorado, I was told at least a dozen times that I better think good and hard about maintenance. (I elected not to take it.) They told me that I could never come back for it once I agreed to waive it. I believe most states have this policy, and the only funding source that can be revisited is child support.

I totally agree with you that there should be no way in HELL that you would ever have to pay him maintenance. WTF? What kind of guy would take it unless you were Elizabeth Taylor and your H was your construction worker BF? Which clearly you are not in that category.

Geez, the more I read about your H the more I want to tell him to frickin' man up. This dude has some serious perception issues. What a douche bag.

Go you!

Betsey

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, Betsey.

This is the only statement that stood out to me. I don't want to say anything to H about it until I know the facts. But I can't meet with my attorney until next week. But it's really bothering me. Red Flag!!!

I get maintenance for 5 years but if I remarry it ends, which is standard. I think if H refuses to waive maintenance, then he should be ineligible if he remarries, correct? I will be dammed if I am supporting a deadbeat XH and his crippled OW.

I know if we question this statement he will say we are dragging things out.

WH

[wishing, hoping]

I wonder whose idea this was? OWs? H's? Or his crackpot lawyer who really isn't his lawyer?

WH

[ChuckF]

Hey, WH, good afternoon,

I've only read the last few posts, but a couple of things stood out to me - H has been nicer to you than he has been in years, and, you have gained enough strength and confidence to speak more directly to him about what you need (at least in terms of boundaries).

How did these two things happen? With the first it will be speculation, but it's worthwhile to speculate why something has improved. In particular, what has WH been doing differently that MAY have influenced a better response? We're not responsible for other people's behavior, but we do want to use our influence in positive ways, and it seems you have done this. Of course, the "H must want something" may be part of it, but maybe it is tied more to the strength and confidence that you have grown (and displayed) that invites more kindness.

It's worth considering. If you're doing something well, let yourself enjoy the fruits of it!

Hang in there!

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks, Chuck.

I am trying. I know feeding the negativity and anger back to H wasn't helping ANYONE's situation and it made me feel even worse. I can't live like that anymore. I am trying to think more positively about the events that are happening. Maybe H genuinely wants us to get along? Maybe he really misses talking to me, whether it's all for his own personal gain or not? These thoughts make me more empathetic to the situation and to H. But then the thought slips in that he is using me and I feel myself getting angry and defensive again. But so what if he is? As long as I keep my boundaries and I make decisions I can live with and are positive for me and the kids it doesn't really matter what H's motives are. If I can express myself and not fear the backlash from standing my boundaries, then I am good. H has to live with his decisions and his consequences.

The entire situation makes me sad, but I think these emotions are coming from me knowing and accepting the situation cannot work with H as the person he is now and H will more than likely never be the person he needs to be. I think this makes me sadder than anything because H could be such a wonderful person if he only allowed himself to grow.

WH

[kml]

Well, I've never heard of someone being able to ask for spousal support years after the divorce.
On the other hand, it's common to put it in writing that the existing spousal support may be revisited if there is a change of circumstances. ( for instance, if he lost his job, he might not have to pay you. Or if you won the lottery!)

[wishing, hoping]

Well, I've never heard of someone being able to ask for spousal support years after the divorce.
On the other hand, it's common to put it in writing that the existing spousal support may be revisited if there is a change of circumstances. ( for instance, if he lost his job, he might not have to pay you. Or if you won the lottery!)

Well that language is in there are well and I would totally get that since it is standard. I'll see what my attorney has to say about it. I'm hoping this doesn't end in a huge fight again.

WH

[AJM]

Taking the positive approach to this, there's no need for a fight. Rather, you can just omit it or change the language such that he doesn't have to pay you support if you remarry, win the lottery, etc. and be done with it.

That's a minor change and not "dragging things out". But you can and should cut off the idea that he can seek maintenance from you.

The art of negotiation is that you ask for more than you want and "give" back some of it as a trade. I see that as an attempt to do that on H's part. Seems pretty standard to me.

Ask for the moon and accept north America.

You're almost there, WH. The emotions are a good thing. Imagine what it's like to not feel emotions, right? Having them is a good thing and a good sign you're healing. I'm happy to see it, although I do know it's not always pleasant at the time.


AJ

[wishing, hoping]

I think I know why H wants to add this maintenance thing to the MSA. I may be mindreading, but I think I have a good guess.

H still thinks my mom has this "trust fund" for $40,000 in my name. Two years ago he told a mutual friend he didn't need to pay me maintenance because I was getting this "trust fund". I think he wants a piece of The pie.

I sent a note to my lawyer voicing my concern. He wanted to meet Friday but I'm taking the day to spend with the kids since it's their last day. Tradition to get ice cream and then we are hitting the pool since it's dollar days.

H and I decided to have D go to Academy Fest for soccer tonight. It's to test her skills so we can decide if she should go to academy soccer or stay on Rec. She did fantastic. She did a skill set and won a new soccer ball. Like I said it's odd to "get along" with H. We even reminisce about when the kids were little. Kinda sad in a way. I often wonder how can have no emotion about this. But then again perhaps that's me mindreading.

WH