melissa

[melissag]

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melissa #999

Happy Monday, everyone.

It was a pretty good weekend - the kids didn't have school Friday so we had three days to just chill out. We ran a few errands and spent some time at the mall on Saturday, but for the most part we just hung out at home. My kids LOVED it. They haven't gotten to do that in ages, and last night they both bemoaned the fact that the weekend is over.

I've got a busy week and we are heading out of town this weekend, so I wouldn't mind another day of relaxing either!!

Before we leave, I need to finish up this financial info for my L. It's such a pain, trying to figure out how much I spend each month on 137 different categories. I really just hate this whole process and think it's so ridiculous that my H is willing to go through all this trouble and $$, rather than work on the M.

My H has sent me two reasonably pleasant texts, so I think/hope that he is planning to leave the contentious stuff to the lawyers and try to make things pleasant when he interacts with me.

If I am being honest, though, it makes me a little bit nervous. When he is acting like a jerk, it is easier for me to detach, I think. When he is nice, it starts to feel like he's my old H, and I worry that being friendly with one another will suck me right back in and put me right back on that roller coaster. I know I won't let his behavior in either direction affect how the legal process plays out, but I do worry that I will start to doubt myself again, because when he acts all charming and nice, I sometimes start to believe his BS about what a great guy he is and wonder if I'm really just mean and a bitch.

Really, I think that I just need to remember that he has chosen to use our kids as a pawn, and that should take care of any of that, right?? Grrr.

[bluesgal]

I agree that it's so much easier to detach when their behavior is negative. Our natural instinct is to run in the opposite direction when that happens.

Positive interactions somehow allow that feeling of hope and good memories to creep in. It takes a pleasant moment and infuses it with the feeling of loss and we begin to doubt ourselves and if we're making the right decisions.

I don't know how long it takes to get off that mini rollercoaster.

[melissag]

Thanks for the support, Blues. Yep, you got it exactly right. If we look how far we have come already, though, we have to know that in time this too shall pass. Right?

[bluesgal]

In reflection, looking back, I do think "This, too shall pass."

But I also think that with ending a commitment such as a marriage and especially since this wasn't our choice, I think we may have those little feelings or questions forever. I guess what we choose to do with those feelings is what we're trying to work on here.

[Wonka]

M,

Didja think I've just dropped off the face of the Earth and not come back here??!

My H has sent me two reasonably pleasant texts, so I think/hope that he is planning to leave the contentious stuff to the lawyers and try to make things pleasant when he interacts with me.

I suspect that H had a good, stern talking to by his own lawyer after he spoke with yours when your L referenced your H's piss-poor proposal in passing. H's lawyer probably told him to STFU and let him handle negotiations with your lawyer. Good for him!

If I am being honest, though, it makes me a little bit nervous. When he is acting like a jerk, it is easier for me to detach, I think. When he is nice, it starts to feel like he's my old H, and I worry that being friendly with one another will suck me right back in and put me right back on that roller coaster. I know I won't let his behavior in either direction affect how the legal process plays out, but I do worry that I will start to doubt myself again, because when he acts all charming and nice, I sometimes start to believe his BS about what a great guy he is and wonder if I'm really just mean and a bitch.

Honey, don't engage in stinkin' thinkin' or try to borrow trouble. It gets you no where at all. Just be thankful that H is relatively pleasant for a while. Heck, you could use some breather here!

Isn't H away for this entire week, right?

[melissag]

Just a little venting/journaling.

Is it just my H or are all men emotional dumb asses? H hasn't seen the kids since Friday morning. He walked into TKD 5 minutes before class started, and immediately told D9 that her pet fish ("Stella") died. Not in a sympathetic way but more matter of fact. Then he tells her that her other fish ("Finn") murdered her. He pretty much brushed off her sadness about it, then told her that now she has to share Finn (whom he bought for D9 as an xmas gift) with S7, because when they got Stella, D9 agreed that she and S7 would share both fish. So my D9 then was VERY upset, because Finn was an Xmas gift from H, and he should be hers and she shouldn't have to share him, etc. And my H just sat there and invalidated every last thing she said, and told her if she didn't want to share Finn, she would have to compensate S7 for the fish that her fish murdered.

Are. You. F-ing. Kidding me??

So class started, and I saw D9 kept going over closer to H, and he kept shoving her away or walking away from her and gave her a talking to about following him.

D9 then came over to me and burst into tears. I took her out of the class and she said she was REALLY sad about her fish dying, and that H told her that her remaining fish wasn't even hers. She said it had made her feel really special when H bought it for her for xmas and now he was saying it wasn't even hers anymore. I just listened and validated. She was upset that her fish had killed her other fish, and I reminded her that fish die for a lot of reasons and we don't really know how she died. (When she said that to H after class, he said, oh no, he murdered her - she had a hole in her, so clearly he murdered her, unless she got impaled on a sea plant.)

Anyway, then we got onto other topics. She has had a lot of stomachaches lately (even before BD) and she mentioned today, as we were talking about that, that she gets stomach aches when she exercises a lot, and added that H doesn't believe her and think she is just a "lazy butt."

THEN, she said she is glad that we are all the same belt rank, because if Dad was a higher belt rank, he would just make fun of her all the time.

Aauuugggghhhhh. I really hate listening to this stuff.

When he was here, yes, I will admit it, it was wrong, I was sticking my nose in their R and trying to prop it up and make things go more smoothly.

I know I have to stay out of it, and let them find their own R, but it is so hard to hear my D9 be sad about the way he treats her sometimes. Yes, she also has fun with him. It's not like he is a terrible father.

I have no idea what the F is going to happen in a few years when she enters adolescence and has a hell of a lot more emotions all the time. He may be rethinking his 50/50 custody demand at that point.

Anyway. I am not looking for things to rag on my H for. I am just venting because it's hard to see/hear this stuff. In a way, I guess it is nice and a relief for me that I don't have to hear it every day like I used to (and try to fix it, and smooth it over, and make sure everyone was happy, and then have my H yell at me for not taking his side), but I am sorry that my kids still have to.

Wonka, I *was* kind of wondering about you. Where ya been? Hope things are going well and your grandma is healing up nicely!

H is here this week. He was gone last weekend and I am gone with the kids for five days starting Friday (yay!). So the break will be nice.

[25yearsmlc]

When the interactions are good, you can fall apart b/c of the dashed hopes, or the heightened expectations, that will crash the next day,etc

or you can see it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, you two will be able to co-parent reasonably well in the future...

and in time, you will. He may tell himself "oh but M was a bitch to ME so it could never work" or some such thing.

But when he's faced with more information and positive interactions that proves his "data" about you is inaccurate, or outdated (or wholly made up so he could justify leaving...) in time,

that positive data just keeps mounting. And as it does, it points to a MISTAKE (!!!!) on his end, which he will Not want to admit to, for a long time. Maybe never.

My older sister's h left her with 3 kids after 22 years of m. He sounds like what your h sounds like. Also a L, and always the taker in the m. My older sister is an RN and a more nurturing woman never lived. She was our 2nd mother at home, helping to raise her 8 siblings (she planned my wedding).

I knew when her h was leaving that ultimately, he was doing her a favor. Their whole m centered around HIS career, HIS hobbies and HIS happiness and HIS TEMPER was what caused 90% of the conflicts in their home. Almost every problem the kids had growing up, was related to his domineering critical ways.

HIS loss...b/c now his kids are grown up and not very interested in how HIS life is. He remarried a woman who "isn't great with kids"...(shocking) and whom he himself describes as "high maintenance" (thus proving the existence of Karma/God). He DID tell her just before she remarried (weird a$$ timing if you ask me) that he had blown it. Said he "f- up" and that he was "truly sorry"...

but here's the deal. So what?

I mean sure it felt great for her to hear those words. I don't discount that and 493054 other people here, would do anything to hear them. I get that.

Thing is, his happiness meter is not HERS and there is no misery index to even things out. We cannot care how they are doing "compared to" us. IF they get a raise, it does not mean we got a pay cut. Our job is to stay in our sandbox and make it as nice as we can. Not getting in theirs or throwing catpoop in it, just to be 'fair'.

My sister has more peace in her life now, and is better treated in her "new" marriage (of 11 years now) than she'd EVER have been with her xh. That's just true. In short, her x did her a favor by leaving.
Took her a lot longer to see that, than ME, but she does see it.

All I'm saying is, there may come a time when you see that your h has done you a favor.

He may have had one foot out the door or never really put both feet IN the family life to begin with.

Like my x bil, your h may not be cut out for 'full time" parenting b/c to men like them, parenting is draining, not nourishing.

I don't mean to say that parenting is NEVER draining; God knows it can be. But I'd have to adopt another kid or get a new job or teach or something, to fill those hours I would have spent hugging someone little...

You did not make up your life and you're not delusional about who he was. HE presented a side of himself that was/is decent.

But he has another side to him, that I think was not really "all in"....and MAYBE it's best for him to work that side out, or let it stay but reveal it.

I suspect your h does not know what he is losing b/c he never really had it, fully.

I only wish you had a fast forward button for this.

You will be happy again. You will love again and I believe you will be deeply loved back, someday. To a large extent, the question of "when?" Will be up to you.

((( )))

[bluesgal]

M-

the fish story is weird. Why insist on the 'fish murder' and not just 'circle of life'?

In your post, it sounds like he is very out of touch and doesn't seem to care..."Quit following me" to your D. He doesn't sound like he's in a good place right now. Funny, shouldn't D solve all of his problems

[melissag]

Blues, I am not trying to trash him, I just very honestly think that he doesn't recognize that there are valid feelings/thoughts/opinions that aren't the same as his. He judges whether someone has a "right" to be upset based on whether he would be upset (and I am not exaggerating, every single time I asked him to put himself in my shoes and ask whether he would be upset, the answer was an immediate "no, that wouldn't bother me at all!")

He doesn't think the fish is a big deal, and he expects my D9 to feel the same way. Even when she TELLS him that she feels differently, he brushes her off - "Who cares, it's just a fish," etc. It's all too familiar with what he does to me. Either talk her out of being upset or blame her for it.

I sure hope he figures it out, but I don't really see any signs that is going to happen.

[melissag]

or you can see it as a sign that maybe, just maybe, you two will be able to co-parent reasonably well in the future...

Yes. It's just that old idea that if I am prepared for him to go back to jerk mode, that will somehow make it sting less. It's stupid, I know.

I am at the point where I am thinking like this. It's OK for me to play with him on the playground and talk about movies and the weather, but I need to just keep in mind that if I get too close to him, he will only hurt me. So I need to make sure I limit the interactions to superficial stuff that is of little consequence. He hasn't earned the right to any of the rest of it anyway. It's kind of a hard transition from H to this, but I think I can figure it out.

He DID tell her just before she remarried (weird a$$ timing if you ask me) that he had blown it. Said he "f- up" and that he was "truly sorry"...

but here's the deal. So what?

I mean sure it felt great for her to hear those words. I don't discount that and 493054 other people here, would do anything to hear them. I get that.

Honestly, I think if my H tells me that ten years from now, he will get a 360 round kick to the ground (I think I will be able to do that kick by then. )

Maybe I will feel differently then, but at this point, I feel like if he tears apart our family and then later decides he regrets it, that's the worst case scenario. Never mind me feeling vindicated - it would mean that the scars this will leave on our children were for naught.

We cannot care how they are doing "compared to" us. IF they get a raise, it does not mean we got a pay cut. Our job is to stay in our sandbox and make it as nice as we can. Not getting in theirs or throwing catpoop in it, just to be 'fair'.

LOL, 25!! I am laughing at the cat poop reference, but in all seriousness, this is something I still need to work on quite a bit. I caught myself being secretly pleased that my H would be met with torrential rain on his trip to SoCal last weekend, for example. It's not nice. And when you said not to throw cat poop in his sandbox, well, the thought of him digging around and finding cat poop (not that I have thrown in there, but just that some cat left there) sounded kind of good. It's on my therapy list, I promise.

All I'm saying is, there may come a time when you see that your h has done you a favor.

In some ways, I already do see this. I still have the idea that, with the right IC and MC, we could have figured out ourselves and each other and had a good life together, but, if we assume that he will never do that, then yes, D probably is best for me. I hate to say that, but tonight's incident with D just reminded me about how I felt like I was never allowed by my H to have feelings.

Like my x bil, your h may not be cut out for 'full time" parenting b/c to men like them, parenting is draining, not nourishing.

Yes. He has said this for years. He doesn't get the joy I do from the kids or the fulfillment I do from seeing their joy, successes, etc. Which makes it all the more annoying (and obvious that it's a manipulation tool) that he is suddenly demanding 50/50 time with them. I am not saying he gets no joy out of them. He does. But it's from when they do with him what he likes to do, or when they accomplish something he wants them to accomplish.

I only wish you had a fast forward button for this.

I have thought this a number of times, but then remember that means I would skip some portion of seeing my kids grow up. No thanks.

You will be happy again. You will love again and I believe you will be deeply loved back, someday. To a large extent, the question of "when?" Will be up to you.

It's so funny because I say this to other people and I believe it, 1000%. Yet I am still trying to convince myself it applies to me. At least I am at the point where I am open to it. A few months ago, I was like, forget it, I'm just going to go out and adopt 30 cats. (Thank goodness my D9 is allergic, so I couldn't.)