I have read a bit about narcissistic behavior in the past . . . it's funny bc we always say H's Dad is a narcissist. And H's Dad says that H's nephew (at age 12) is a narcissist. So perhaps it is genetic . . . .
I'm slowly starting to realize that my H really is limited. At his full capacity, in many ways, he could not keep up with my full capacity. I don't mean that to sound rude or like I think I am better than him; I just think that he had poor role models and has a very weak sense of self. I am thinking about whether maybe, he did do everything he could, to his full capacity. And it just wasn't enough for me. So he gave up.
I haven't come to any conclusions, just mulling things over.
Sigh. Yes, Betsey, I do find it funny/ridiculous/condescending/hypocritical that he spends $3000 a month on a 2-bedroom apartment and then tells me to watch my spending. Had he bitched about anything on my Amex bill, I planned to say (with my DB friends' blessings, of course), "we all take care of ourselves in different ways."
Yay, I got the Wonka Stamp of Approval (TM) !!!!!
Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head and start responding without posting here first.
I don't know what my H is thinking, or if he is trying to pull something with the insistence that we sit down and chat . . . it is suspicious how he is suddenly acting so nice now, though. Mr. Charming. Thankfully, I know he can change with the snap of the fingers, so while I will enjoy it, I won't buy into it.
Thanks, Betsey, for the suggested response. I think I will end up sending something like that, but perhaps with even less explanation. Then, if he sends me an email, I will say thank you, and I will forward it to my lawyer so he knows what H is thinking.
I no longer expect apologies from my H. I know better now. I was just wondering, because my H makes me feel like I expect too much, if it is too much to expect from a normal person in this instance.
That goes back to him being limited. He kept saying he can't live up to my standards, and said that my standards were ridiculous and impossible to meet; but I felt like they were just simple courtesy. Like apologizing after treating someone like crap, or sending a thank you note when someone sends a gift, or a handyman cleaning up the mess on the floor after cutting out a piece of drywall to fix something. (Can you tell I am not just speaking generally anymore?)
Anyone who likes convertibles and sunshine, come see me and we will go for a ride! But you have to wait a while because they haven't even started production on the model I ordered, so it will be a few months yet.
25, don’t worry a bit about my hair because my car comes with a wind deflector, and anyway, I will just keep a ponytail holder and brush in my car. And yeah, there is no way my kids are eating candy (or anything else) in my car.
I was kidding about the tramp stamp (sacrum tattoo) , though I do always sort of drool over the tattoos I see on women at yoga all the time. Funny, I asked my H several times (esp. after I lost my wedding band twice) if we could get tattoo rings. How odd that he wasn’t interested . . . .
Sorry I am bouncing around here, but yes, 25, I do think that my H wanted the Amex bill (along with my answers to his many questions) because he is very fearful that I am trying to screw him over. He actually thought, when I hired a L, that was a sign that I was going to try to take the kids away from him. I feel like maybe he could be a little more rational and refrain for once from assuming the absolute worst about me (or perhaps just ASK me about things rather than spit out hateful accusations), but I guess that’s a stupid expectation.
3boyz, thanks for your post. Of course it makes perfect sense. I do very much want to be proud of the way I handled this and treated my H, yes. I am just having trouble finding the happy medium between being mad and shutting him out entirely and being a doormat. I know there is a lot in between but I can’t seem to find it. I think it’s harder when he is constantly changing emotions, but I think that’s the point – I need to stay on my path regardless of what he says or does.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
My H does not apologize either even when he is clearly at fault. My H fully admits that he cannot accept criticism and deflects back on the person who points it out. I think that he may be a bit of a narcissist. It is frustrating because I dont even think that they see what they are doing. If I point it out to my h, he will sometimes come back after the fact and apologize. But it is never in the moment. He will defend himself and point out weaknesses in me. A few times he has sent me an apology for email/text. Although, now that I think about it, he usually apologizes for how he acted and not for the original thing that he was wrong about.
And H's Dad says that H's nephew (at age 12) is a narcissist. So perhaps it is genetic . . . .
I'm not sure about the genetic component, but I do believe it can be a learned behavior. If your role models are narcissistic, it would take a strong person to grow up and deal with them on their terms. I have a few friends who were able to do it, but it required therapy as adults to truly understand that it wasn't them or even about them. Sad stuff.
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I just think that he had poor role models and has a very weak sense of self. I am thinking about whether maybe, he did do everything he could, to his full capacity.
I don't think it's rude or that you think you're better. From what you've posted, I think you're in the right ball field.
I think by now you realize that most (if not all) of us here have had to overcome our own character defects and flaws to figure stuff out. The ones who are ultimately successful are the ones who see this as the wake up call that it is. They see this as an opportunity to grow and be happier people. The ones who wallow and trip over themselves continue to take the perceived easier detour: to blame others and to avoid doing the hard work that goes hand in hand with growth and realizing our full potential as human beings.
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Thanks, Betsey, for the suggested response. I think I will end up sending something like that, but perhaps with even less explanation. Then, if he sends me an email, I will say thank you, and I will forward it to my lawyer so he knows what H is thinking.
Less is better! But I tried to incorporate a little of you in there. After all, you may be a SAHM but you're employed full time taking care of your kids and the house and the things he would be doing if he were home. You're BUSY. But I like your response better.
If you like tattoos, go get one! I got my first on my 37th birthday and the last one on St. Patrick's Day when I was 44. (Both are Celtic themed). They hurt (I won't lie), but they're pretty! These are the kind of 180s that kind of let you know you're still YOU.
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I feel like maybe he could be a little more rational and refrain for once from assuming the absolute worst about me (or perhaps just ASK me about things rather than spit out hateful accusations), but I guess that’s a stupid expectation.
He may get there at some point, Melissa. It often just takes not reacting when he pushes your buttons and acting consistently as if you are a person who has integrity and is trustworthy. If you decide that you are going to act like that all the time going forward, he won't see you in that light. If he *does*, well then you will be able to say with conviction that he is a flawed man who has a long way to go on his quest for happiness. And you'll be all the better and happier for it.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I sent H the email that I am super busy and don't have time to meet, but that if he has a proposal he can email it and I'll take a look.
His immediate response:
"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, but I thought I sent you a proposal a month and a half ago."
Um. After he sent that, I got a L and filed for S. Does he really think that proposal is anything I would even consider?? Also, his proposal had a glaring omission which is the value of his partnership interest. (Which he acknowledged, after he met with a lawyer, is a marital asset.)
His proposal isn't insulting like, he thinks he will pay me $23 a month; however, it is horribly structured and shows he has no idea (or thinks I have no idea) of the amount of support he will need to provide for me and the kids. And, I don't agree to his parenting time proposal either.
He has not provided my L with any financial info, and we haven't yet even begun the process of valuing his partnership interest, so I would be a fool to accept any of it, even if I did agree with even one point, which I don't.
Any suggestions for a response?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Anything you say at this point is probably going to start your weekend off on a bad note and you'll leave for VA pissed off. Your H knows full well that what he threw at you last month svcked.
Of course, I have a handful of sarcastic and snotty replies, but you probably do too. Let's keep those to ourselves as inside jokes?
"If that's where you want to start, I'll forward it to my L and get his thoughts. It will probably be a few weeks before you see anything, as the kids and I are leaving for VA and there is just too much going on for me right now."
We know that your L is going to give you something to fight about with him. He knows it. That's why I say I don't like that he says "I don't think there's anything to fight over." Because he truly believes he's going to push your buttons and he'll get what he wants. And that's why you sought a L to begin with, right?
Danger, Will Robinson. Let the L do his job. BTW, did your H hire a L too? Or does he plan on representing himself after that consultation?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
H, thanks for getting back to me on this. Yes, I do have the proposal you sent a while back. Please give me your L's email address and a phone number so my L can get in touch with him/her regarding your proposal. Thanks! Have a nice day. M
I'd wait an hour or two before sending this to H. This shows him that you're not dropping everything and jumping quickly in responding to his texts.
Your L can ask your H's L for more financial info from H...not you. You want to remove yourself from this process completely and let your L handle this going forward.
