Rise & Shine VI

[Lostforwords]

Visiting the babies silly!!!

I suggest reading and alone time.....accepting just yourself.....Spend time with just yourself. Accept that just being you is okay and your will be fine.

Once you can spend and evening on the couch...reading a good book...enjoying a glass of wine....and realize that the only thing that matters is me and and I am doing really good.

Well I won't tell you what happens....It is pretty dang awesome though.

[willbwell]

hi 3, catching up... I could spend hrs at the bookstore perusing the aisles.
about the earlier fb post...I have started to notice,my h will say stuff to me to indicate his hurt feelings...In the past, I might beat myself up about it. how did I contribute??
I have come to find out that it is h's deal... in my head I am thinking, you big baby.
It is all about h, and even though I miss who h was, I am starting to realize he is becoming less appealing. I did have him too much on a pedestal.
Time to put myself more up there because, I am pretty great.
You are great 3 boyzmom!

[labug]

The family thing is tough. When H left he took all the family with him. I have no family here and I'm not emotionally close to my brothers, by choice.

I was p!ssed! Family events and gatherings were always more important to me than him and he ends up with the family. I'm smiling now at how crazy that sounds and how much expectation and judgment is included in that statement.

Anyway, I found that they weren't nearly as important to me as I thought. I also found out I wasn't as important to them as I thought. (they're all very closed emotionally) But it's OK.

After we reconciled I told H that while I harbored no ill feelings toward his family and I would visit them whenever he wanted, I was no longer going to be the planner/connector for family events.

It was easy to give up because my controlling self had created that role and the went along with it.

I shake my head thinking about it and how much better life is without expectations and judgment (not that I'm completely free of those things #WIP ) I explained it to my IC as feeling untethered, freeing.

Thanks for jogging my memory. You, my friend, are doing great. There will be hills to climb but you have the tools.

[3boymom]

I suggest reading and alone time.....accepting just yourself.....Spend time with just yourself. Accept that just being you is okay and your will be fine.

I actually love spending quiet time alone by myself. With three young boys, I actually crave it. The only problem is that my H watches the boys at my house on his days (he is currently living with his parents). So normally I find activities to get me out of the house. I just found out that my parents will be out that evening, so I may crash at their house and drink wine on their couch and start the first season of Revenge on DVD.

about the earlier fb post...I have started to notice,my h will say stuff to me to indicate his hurt feelings...In the past, I might beat myself up about it. how did I contribute??
I have come to find out that it is h's deal... in my head I am thinking, you big baby.
It is all about h, and even though I miss who h was, I am starting to realize he is becoming less appealing. I did have him too much on a pedestal.

Hi W - Thanks for checking in on me. I am definitely a fixer. I never want to hurt anyone and hated to see anyone upset. Even though my initial instinct is to fix, I am getting much better at realizing that it is my H's problem to deal with. I am still a WIP.

I shake my head thinking about it and how much better life is without expectations and judgment (not that I'm completely free of those things #WIP ) I explained it to my IC as feeling untethered, freeing.

Thanks for jogging my memory. You, my friend, are doing great. There will be hills to climb but you have the tools.

Oh Bug ... I am so trying to get to this point. When I look back at the person I was a year ago, I realize just how different I am now. But I also realize that I have the way to go. The big difference is that I no longer beat myself up for taking a while to get there.

[labug]

You'll get there.

Suggestion for Saturday, if you cook (don't know how you'd have time) take a casserole or some other food to the new families. Or go by Trader Joe's and get several different frozen meals and drop them by (only stay for 15 minutes). Care for the new mamas the way you would like to be cared for.

Then take yourself to a movie. Be daring and go by yourself. I hated that at first but then I came to enjoy it!

[3boymom]

I think that I had a big break through this morning. Last night, I put a huge smile on my face and acted as if everything was great. H acted different and appeared to pull back. My initial reaction was "Okay. I see H is pulling back so I will too." I have done this same thing for the past couple of months. I would stop communication and wait to see my H's next move. In the shower this morning it hit me. I am getting on my H's roller coaster. Sometimes I don't realize it because it is not dramatic. But I am basing my reactions/actions on his. Hello...how did I not see that before.

I dont need to pull back. I just need to keep being me. So I thought what would I have done if my H did not pull back. While I hardly ever reach out to my H, I do send pictures of the kids if he is not going to see them for a few days. Since H pulled back, I normally would not have sent anything and just waited to see how Saturday went when I see H next. BUT, I am going to stay off his roller coaster. I will send a picture of the kids which is what I would have done if we did not have the convo on Tuesday night. I will not wait to see how my H will act next.

My relationship (if you can even describe it as a relationship) with my H is so much better than it was weeks/months ago. I am not sure where it will take us, but I don't want to go backwards. While I cant make my H come back, I am control my end of the relationship and I am not going to move backwards because I am scared of getting hurt. Heck, my worst case scenario has already happened so what am I scared of? I know that my H feeds off of my mood.

So I will send a picture of the kids to my H. I will keep moving forward. My H can deal with himself accordingly. I will stop living in fear and get off his roller coaster, even if it is just a tiny baby roller coaster at this point.

[labug]

See, you're getting there!

[Pudmuddle]

Your last post was awesome, 3. Realizing these moods and reactions is a huge step towards being a happier 3. It feels good to not always be waiting around for someone else to feel happy or react to something. Such a release.

You sound really good 3, and I am wishing you much happiness.

[3boymom]

I sent H a pic of the kids last night. H responded immediately with an upbeat text. Things have been back to positive since.

While I cant control H, maybe my happy mood and resistance to drama will help with our interactions. My goal at the moment is to have as many positive interactions as possible, with very few moments of drama, to help counteract the last two years and help my H rewrite his view of our history again. Who knows if it will happen, but at least I will be happy in the meantime

It feels good to not always be waiting around for someone else to feel happy or react to something. Such a release.

Pud - This is so true. For so long, I was waiting for someone (mainly my H) to swoop in and make me happy and fix all the problems in my life. I really only get one go at life, so I better start stepping up and deciding what it looks like.

[Georgiabelle]

You sound great 3Boyz!