I don't know where to begin . ..I'm devastated . . .just served divorce papers yesterday. I knew they were coming, she said she filed. We have two kids S-5 and D-8. She's 45 and I'm 47. Married 18 years, together 22. For the past few years we have been going to marriage counseling - she has resentment because of me controlling the relationship - for eg when we had our children she wanted her folks there and I said they can come to the hospital after the birth - she hasn't forgiven me to this day for that. I wish I had empathized with her at the time. I do now. I thought she was having an affair because she would secretly text and call this guy - I would see the texts and calls but never found any "evidence". One night last August I came home at midnight and went to bed, she didn't here me and was on the phone till after 2am so i got out of bed when i heard her hang up and asked her whom she was speaking to and she said my sister-in-law. I told her I knew it wasn't my sister in law and she finally admitted that she met this guy last June that listens to her (same guy btw). In September I found out she made out with him a couple times at the local bar. In December she went to pick up take out for dinner and when she got home I saw she had called him while out. Again I saw she called him in January. She insists there is no affair and nothing sexual going on and that the two times I saw on her phone that she called him (in Dec and Jan) happen to be the only two time she indeed did since September when I found out about her with him at the local bar- I believe her. The last time on January 31 when I saw the phone call I also saw a text from a friend asking her what she was going to tell me for being out till three in the morning with another male friend of hers (with the same first initial as this guy I thought she was having the affair with so I thought it was him) and her cover up response (this past Saturday, she told me the guy was just a neighbor of ours but she said she didnt want to tell me because I'd be pissed off - I told her from now on just tell me - we need trust - if i trust you why would i be upset). Anyway, at the time it led to a full blown argument where she even went to the police to tell them I had taken and looked at her cell phone. For the past month I have now been sleeping in the guest room with our son and my wife in "our" bedroom with our daughter - kids don't want to sleep in their own beds? A lot has led up to her now wanting a divorce but this past Saturday we stayed up all night and talked and she said she wanted to tell me about the texts and her secrecy and informed me that her best friend is having an affair that has been going on for three years and she has been protecting her/helping her cover it up and did not want to tell me because her best friend's husband is a very good friend of mine and she didnt want me saying anything to him - I told her I was glad that she could trust me now but I have gone through 8 months of hell thinking she was having an affair. She insists she is not and I believe her (she told me her kissing that guy friend was her just having one too many cocktails and she knows it was wrong, she says she likes talking to him because he listens and its a symptom of our marriage). I told her all the behavior of me being clingy and hovering over her and snooping on her phone is something I would never have done - but I wanted to know if there was an affair. Well, long story short ...lol. . .she says she still wants the divorce because I am too needy - clingy - controlling and that that behavior was going on long before I thought she was having and affair, she has a lot of resentment issues and she wants her space to do what she wants. I have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis - she sees the same therapist - actually she has an appointment next week. I told her to keep an open heart and mind and lets see where things go - Saturday night she agreed. When she handed me the divorce papers, I said thank you - I hope we won't be needing these and to keep an open heart and mind again - she said no I'm done - I said Saturday you said you were willing to and she said no I didn't . . . I just don't know. I guess the good things are we are still seeing the therapist and hopefully after a few one-on-one visits with each of us we can go together like we used to (the therapist wants to see us separately now because of the divorce filing - I just went to see him and told him what my wife said was going on - I hope after my wife's visit with him this coming Tuesday, she will reconsider and be open to trying to reconcile - she says she still has resentment issues and can't forgive and forget); then next week we are still going on a family vacation to the Carribean (getting out of Detroit and going to where it will be 85 degrees has got to help everyone!) and lastly I have learned a lot reading the forum - I will be GAL, do 180 on my behavior now that I know she is not having this affair (not just the hovering over her every move but the needy/controlling behavior too) - she already has seen a huge difference since Saturday - no desire to look at her phone and don't even question where she goes now - hopefully she will come around - I will now listen to her, respond with empathy and remorse if need be. Pray for me, my wife and family. Sorry to have rambled on so long - any advice appreciated - I did just order the Divorce Busters book too. Thanks.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Reading all you can on here is great advice - i did some of the same things (looking at cell phone) and pursuing my H after he dropped the bomb on me last month. I have been reading Divorce Remedy, and a lot of other books too. I hope that you find help and that your wife rethinks it. Patience. I'm told it takes a ton of that. My D is going full force ahead and I think he will move out soon. I did a 180 and am GAL. I'm not sure it has made any difference. I think he's in mid life crisis or just too stubborn and will have to move out before he can see what he's walking away from. It [censored]. Hang in there and if you are a praying man... talk to God. That is the biggest change I've made in my life and it really has helped me emotionally.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
This past weekend wife had a great spa day (my gift to her from sweetest day back in October). I took kids and went to target/costco. Got home after 3 and we both hung out till 5 with nice light conversation, IU basketball etc ..We were watching the game. She then said she needed to go to the mall to get stuff for our trip but wanted to shower first. So I said I m going to go to the cigar bar and watch the rest of the game and get something to eat. I left. While there all of the bar "therapists" got me in a bad mood convincing me wife was having an affair. When I got home wife said why you in a bad mood. I told her. Big mistake ..put her on defensive saying nothing going on ...she said she then had to go. She let me kiss her cheek and left. Don't know what to make of it. Any thoughts?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Wife asks me tonight if I can pick the kids up from school tomorrow and if I'll be in tomorrow night because she wants to get out for a girlfriends birthday. She also has a work meeting the following evening and wanted to know if I could be in with the kids then too. I had plans one night but nothing pressing so I told her no problem, I'll be around the next couple nights and hang out with the kids. I'm trying to be nice and accommodating ... am I being stupid. Any advice?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Thanks TL72. I have done 180 and GAL. I've been praying too. Always had faith but it just strengthens during trying times.I am waiting for DB book. Hope it comes soon. We are leaving for vacation this Friday for a week. I wonder how it will go. Room has bunk beds for kids and a king bed for us ...we have not slept together for 6 weeks. Maybe wife will put me on the floor :-/. I'm hoping this trip will do us some good. We talked about it all last night and she is excited to go. Obviously hard to detach with everything going on (trip, and we do have kids, etc.) but still can 180 on alot of things and GAL - not complaining because at least she is still here. Im trying to follow Sandys rules ..blew it a couple times as you can see from my other post but trying to stay on track. Wife said she's seeing her therapist today so I'm curious how things will be this evening when she arrives home. I will pray for you too. Thanks for being the first to respond to my post ...it's so hard - I know you know.
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
Yup, sounds like your wife is having an affair to me. Why is she extremely defensive about it?! Because she doesn't want you asking her that question, so she wants to make it painful for you when you do.
My wife said she had "resentment" she couldn't get over too. Well, guess what? There was no resentment- it was a smokescreen to tell the therapist and best friend for why she wanted to leave me. In reality, she was hiding her ongoing EA.
Your M will not recover as long as there is ANY contact with the OM. Is the OM married? If so, I'm guessing his wife is in the dark? Popping the affair "fantasy" bubble and dragging it into the light of day would be my first priority.
I'm not so sure that accusations are going to help. If she is having an affair, it is a fantasy and won't last. She's going to do what she's going to do and if you want to reconcile with her then don't talk about it with bar friends. That didn't turn out well. I had an affair 3 years ago, I wasn't getting what I needed at home and I made the wrong choice, I deeply regret it though at the time I thought I was in love. My H found out and he did ask me to end it and eventually I did. He fought for me though, started filling in the missing gaps with love and affection that I so needed. For the last 3 years we were healing from it together (so I thought) and it seemed like everything was good and moving forward. Then he dropped the bomb on me that he wanted a divorce out of the blue. Says he can't forgive me for the affair that was 3 years ago and didn't want to try anymore. I wish I had known that it was still eating away at him, I want nothing more than to reconcile. Anyway following Sandy's rules is something i'm doing too. I suspect an EA with a coworker he has been texting, I let him know that I love him no matter what and will just let it play out. I can't control anything but my own actions. Neither can you. Be patient, be calm, keep reading everything you can. She has to come to the conclusion on her own that she wants to keep the family together or stop if she's doing something like an A. Work on changing yourself so she will want to. She'll see the changes. My H told me that he saw the changes in me and that they don't matter. This was before I read the rules and was in pursuing mode, I have since stopped all that but really see no sign of anything, I don't know when he's moving out, maybe the first of the month. I think that is when he'll figure out that maybe we can reconcile. I'm being nothing but kind to him, listening to him, we still sleep in the same bed and have relations several times a week. I don't tell him I love him, I don't talk about the relationship at all, just starting to do my own thing and move forward "as if" i'll be ok without him. and I will, I just don't want to. I'm putting it in God's hands. sorry I ended up combining my story into yours, sometimes it's nice to just talk to others going through something similar. We're here to listen.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
I told her I knew it wasn't my sister in law and she finally admitted that she met this guy last June that listens to her
That's what is referred to as an "emotional affair". You may not know if it's physical or not, but it really doesn't matter because an EA is just as damaging to your M as a PA.
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she says she still wants the divorce because I am too needy - clingy - controlling and that that behavior was going on long before I thought she was having and affair
And hopefully you understand now that snooping and pressuring her is just reinforcing to her the above views. That's behavior you need to do a 180 on.
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When she handed me the divorce papers, I said thank you - I hope we won't be needing these and to keep an open heart and mind again - she said no I'm done - I said Saturday you said you were willing to and she said no I didn't . . . I just don't know.
I don't think you realize what you're up against. She is DONE. I mean 100% DONE. At this time there is zero chance she's coming back. I know it probably hurts to hear that, but you need to know so you can quit doing what isn't working and get to work on YOU. Quit pressuring her with that kind of talk, it just reminds her that the two of you are not in agreement. She wants out, you want her back. That's conflict, and right now she wants to run from conflict. It's pushing her away. The DB'ing approach is to give her time and space while working on yourself, changing the things you did wrong in the M, and becoming the best possible person. THAT is what she might eventually be attracted back to.
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I guess the good things are we are still seeing the therapist and hopefully after a few one-on-one visits with each of us we can go together like we used to (the therapist wants to see us separately now because of the divorce filing
It's actually not a good thing, when one spouse is a WAS then they just use MC to validate their belief that the M is done and there's no hope. Keep going for you and let her keep going if she wants to, but DO NOT pressure her into going. If she says she wants to stop going then tell her you understand and that's fine with you.
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she already has seen a huge difference since Saturday - no desire to look at her phone and don't even question where she goes now - hopefully she will come around
This is a marathon, not a sprint. She's going to need to see months and months of changed behavior from you before she believes you've really changed. Right now she thinks it's just tricks to get her back.
Thanks for your responses. Hs, the OM is divorced but lives with his ex and two kids ...hes obviously in screwed up relationship. You say nothing will get better as long as my wife is in even an EA with this guy ...but there is nothing I can do about it ...just work on me and hope she comes around - right?
Me: 47 Her: 45 M 18 years T 22 years S-6 D-9 Separate rooms 1/5/14 Wife filed for divorce 2/5/14
There may very well be nothing you can do about it. In my case, I knew about my wife's EA, but the OM's wife didn't. For two years I didn't tell the OM wife because 1) my wife asked me not to, and 2) I was afraid it would push my wife to him if his wife knew and left. Instead I suffered in silence, battling on my own each day. I asked my wife not to contact him, and she assured me she wasn't and wouldn't. Those words were lies. Meanwhile, the OM had no such pressure, he could call my wife with impunity. When I finally dragged the affair into the light of day by letting the OMs wife know it took all of the magic away. All of the Romeo and Juliette stolen moments on the phone. Suddenly he wasn't "Prince Charming", he was a guy that had a wife and two children that he was cheating on. It was out in the open. For me, it worked.
I did everything in my power to speed the end of their affair. Sure, you could sit and wait, and true, you have no control whether you expose it or not- but it speeds up the end by taking the most attractive part away- the fantasy.
You must make your own choice- its your life. If his relationship is already that skewed up, I seriously doubt that letting his exW know would do anything at all but perhaps make a bad situation worse. Additionally, I do not advocate telling the world about the affair- especially family. If you do R, they will never forget and it will strain you M. Again, just my opinion.
