Part 2-H moving out

[Georgiabelle]

How fitting H is moving out today. Happy V-Day!

H is an angry guy and I must work further on detachment. I have 3 beautiful kids who need me and some great friends. I know this is going to be difficult and I will need a 2x4, but I gotta focus on me and my little peeps. Things I'm doing...

1)Letting oldest son use H's former office as his room. He wanted the space and I'm going to let him have it.
2)Restart kickboxing.
3)Do some early spring cleaning.
4)Continue journaling.
5) Go out with friends every Wednesday night

DETACH, DETACH, DETACH!

[TL72*]

I'm sorry Georgiabelle, that's harsh. Mine is moving out "soon" but I don't know when. I would almost prefer it be now so I can end the torture and let him see what it's like on his own after 16 years living with me. I like your list, it's good you are focusing on yourself!! Keep it up! Hang in there, you're not alone!

[courageouswife]

Hi Georgiabelle

I am sorry your H is moving out...I know it is not easy but the plus side to that is it will be easier for you to focus on you and your kids without him there! Looks like you already have a nice "to do" list started and I like that you are making a point to go out with friends every week!!! Hope you are doing something nice for yourself tonight!!!

(((HUGS)))

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks for commenting Courageouswife. I'm regrouping and away with my kids this weekend. I know when we get back it will be tough to see h's stuff gone, but sadly the h I know has been gone for about 3 months. Heck , even my 10 and 9 yr old ask, "what happened to our dad?" It's sad but we can't control him.

Yes, my oldest son is moving into h's office. I know this will be a big adjustment , but we are going to be okay. I keep reminding myself that our lives can't be paused because h spends all of his time with 25-27 yr olds and seeks relationship advice from them. It's his journey and we weren't invited. And quite frankly, I'm having a difficult time believing this is the same man who slept every night at the hospital with me after 3 c sections. He looks similar on the outside, but he's cold to everyone-including his kids.

I just keep reminding myself that I gotta keep detaching......

[innishannon]

Hi GB,

Just reading your thread. Have you a previous thread? When was your BD -what are the details around your H etc?
My BD was 6 weeks ago - my D and I have moved out of H's house about 2 weeks ago - I can understand how painful this must be for you all.
I think you are doing extremely well ....
I x

[nit84]

GB,

You are right, it will be tough to see your H stuff gone when you get back but you are a strong woman and you will get past this part.

Having your kids there will help a great deal I think.

Your H is now dealing with the consequences of being a WAH.

I'll be will interested in seeing what happens going forward.

Once I moved back home. I thought for sure my W was moving out.

It has been 2 months and she is still here. A couple times she packed some things but then stopped and the only time she mentioned leaving was the night I moved back and I know that was said in anger.

I am not mindreading here I hope but I think W does this packing to try to get me all riled up. I think while she is doing this( I hope anyways), she is thinking about what the consequences might be if she actually does leave. Then that makes her hesitate to continue. Maybe your H is doing the same as he is packing.

I feel as long as I stay in control of my emotions and keep knowing that I don't control what my W does it will be fine. She might still leave but I know that I did nothing to help her make that decision. It is HER choice alone.

I feel by validating and empathizing when I can, it is hard when you don't hardly talk, it is having small impacts(very very small) on the way we are dealing with each other.

She still finds fault with almost everything I do. But it is different in some ways now.

This happened yesterday.

She offered to do something(snow blow driveway) I always do and I am letting her without a discussion. I then screwed up a cupboard door(not on purpose) I attempted to fix it and struggled a bit(maybe on purpose). She said "leave it I will get it." I said "Great, you always did know how it goes." I left the room feeling like maybe this was her softening up a little. It felt good.

2 hours later after she came in from snow blowing, She started to complain about the hot tub. We may have a leak but I need to wait for spring to fix whatever is wrong. I told her my thoughts and she continued to complain I just empathized and agreed with her thoughts and the exchange ended peacefully.

At first I thought well that niceness was short lived but thought more about it and knew that that hot tub is a symbol of my stubbornness about not having kids sooner. I really wanted a hot tub and told W that we should get one before kids because after kids we wouldn't be able to afford it. She went along with it at the time but then I hid behind paying for this hot tub(extremely unintentionally) as a reason to not have kids at that time. I see now that the W felt scammed, I wish I saw it back then.

So, in essence, She wasn't complaining about me directly but aiming her frustrations at an object that has caused us a lot of conflict in the past. She said we should just get rid of it(not the first time she has said this).

I may be off base in my thinking, not sure.



I guess my interest is now that your H has decided to leave will it allow him to see the consequences of him being a WAH?

I wish for you and your kids he didn't move out, and stayed home, but maybe this is what is needed for him to realize how much he misses everything. It still stinks though!

I will be thinking positives thoughts for you and your kids!!

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks everyone. Yes, I did have a previous thread entitled newbie introducing myself but I couldn't get it to link( any tips ?). Nit, hang in there. Remember, you can only control you. Detach!

For a little additional background, h is 40 and we've been married for 11 years. We have always had a strong connection because we " got" each other (seems crazy now). H started a new on site contract mid Oct and that's when things starting ramping up. We got very snippy with each other as he had always worked at home (when he worked. ). We never snipped at each other prior to this. We did have a SSM. (I thought I was Wonder Woman. Worked full time, primary caregiver to 3 kids, all housework =A majorly neglected marriage). I was very attracted to h and did reject him frequently in our m. I was tired and probably resentful. Should have spent more time on us I didn't. H suffers from clinical depression and anxiety. I spent a significant portion of our m trying to "fix " that and resentful of the depression and anxiety. I should have not allowed my resentment to build. But I did.

Dec 15, h drops bomb. He can't take it anymore. Mentioned a vacation 2 years ago where he wanted to go on a walk on beach. Would have loved to go but h always said he hated beach so I had no idea he wanted to go. I didn't touch him for 5 months which is totally possible. He felt different about me. Always thought we would be together but saw a blank now. The way he felt about me had changed. Said he wanted to leave. I was shocked and we decided to test out 2 MCs. He told both he didn't know if he wanted our m to work. The counselor we decided to see requested 4 solo sessions with him. His agitation and anger ramped up significantly. I implemented 180s and saw results but I had a deep seeded feeling this was a ticking time bomb.

H has all new friends between 25-28. All asked him what he was doing with me as I didn't seem fun. Said a 22 year old told him he was cute. Had a break down one night and said his entire life changed when our 10 yr old was born and that I got to go to work. Says he never loved me and later said the problem was I never loved him as much as he loved me. H is very sensitive and a romantic. He started an EA with a 26 yr old divorcee at his job. She told him not to try to work on the marriage to just focus on coparenting.

A week ago h said we were done because I used a voice 2 weeks ago and he was angry at the way I behaved after having a car accident with my 3 kids. I called him and he didn't answer. Due to his recent cold and distant behavior, I thought he just didn't answer. Said phone didn't ring. Said when I doubted that he would be there that was the nail in he coffin.

Everything I say elicits an eye roll. My 9 and 10 yr old ask what happened to their dad and will their old dad ever be back. I know you aren't supposed to ask them to move out, but after 2 months of him saying he hated being there and he did not want t spend the next 40 yrs with me, I did ask when he planned to move. The kids cried daily due to his cold, distant behavior. This formerly sensitive and kind many no longer talks to his parents. (He used to chat with them daily )and has told his kids he can't stand being around them. Me? I've been blamed for everything. He moved yesterday.

I totally and completely neglected my marriage. I own that. I always incorrectly assumed we would focus on us later. This was pretty much out of nowhere. I'm working on detaching , enjoying my kids, and working on things to make me a better me. I need to. I want to save my marriage, and I'm living as if because h doesn't want to be with me. He does say he still wants to be best friends. He gets angry at anything I say. Blamed me got a traffic jam and said that the mc was trying to focus on his issues because I picked her. Hates that I'm logical and asked why we should try to save relationship when he heard coparenting was fine and kids get over it.

I love h very much and this has been gutwrenching as you all know. I've done an okay job DBing but have slipoed a few times. I'm really focusing on detaching as I will see him almost daily. I feel horrible for my kids because they too question who this person is. I can only control me.

Sorry for the novel. Part of me wants to fast forward 2014, but I know I need patience and as Cadet says " trust the process ."

Thanks for listening.

[melissag]

Hi GB, I have been in some weird hole all weekend and missed that your H was moving out.

How are you doing?

I found that when my H moved out, I hated it, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I think it was even just more weird and hard to get used to. He was kind (read: guilty) and didn't take much furniture so it wasn't like I came home to an empty house. That helped.

Back to you. I know it might be hard right now, but when you can , try to see the silver linings. For me, the mornings - getting the kids ready and out the door - are less stressful without him here. I can stay up as late as I want without him complaining that I don't want to go to sleep when he does. Etc. You will find things, and it's OK to appreciate them.

It sounds like you are doing OK, GB! Hang in there.

[tadpole1025]

Hi. I stole this from another thread. To link a post/thread:

Go to the first page of your thread (this is important because then when people link to it they get to start at the beginning) and copy the url by right clicking it.

Paste it into your document ... or really, directly into your new thread if that's all your doing. If you have multiples you may want to list them all at the beginning to help others follow along. If you want to be cool and organized you can use the following coding to name them ...

[url=*paste your url here*]Name your thread[/url ... and I've left the last bracket off ...

Good luck!

Hope that helps.

Tad

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Melissa and Tad. I appreciate the input and help :-)

H took the kids xbox. I swear he is 14 and told a friend he left all of the "responsibilities" behind. Do all people in MLC say absolutely crazy stuff? Some of the stuff h says makes me wonder.

My oldest son couldn't bear to be away from me this week and gave up a week with his grandparents (he's insane about them). I tried to get him to stay with them and have fun, but he said he didn't want to leave me:(

Poor kids. They suffer in these situations and it's heartbreaking.