An ever-present shadow

[Lonely Room]

Hello all,

I am a long-time visitor of this forum. I only seem to come here when I notice problems in my marriage, and that's probably one of my problems. I should actively work on my marriage all the time. Easier say than done, though.

My wife and I separated 3 years ago and got back together after a year of separation. Shortly after getting back together we got pregnant and we have a gorgeous son, the most beautiful thing of my life.

I can't say that since we got back together our marriage has been brilliant. We had some ups and downs, being first time parents can be stressful, and we also had some professional problems along the way. But it wasn't that bad either, we've been holding together.

When we separated I always suspected that she was having some kind of involvement with a co-worker, someone she knows since her youth. When I confronted her with my suspicions, it was one of the reasons she used to kick me out of the house. But I was sure that there was some sort of involvement, at least an emotional one.

After we got back together, I got a confirmation that there was also physical involvement, although I never found if that happened before or after we separated. Again, I confronted her with that, this time very calmly, with my Divorce Busting skills, and she dismissed it and assured me it was just a "hiccup" of her past.

6 months ago, I noticed she was getting text messages late at nigh, and investigated. They were from him, and she was deleting his and her messages. Once again, I confronted her, she said they were innocent messages and that she was going to sort-out the problem because she was also feeling uncomfortable. She told me she deleted the messages because she was afraid of what I would think, even though the messages were innocent.

And again, yesterday I noticed that they have been texting each other on a daily basis and there's even a message from him late at night, before Christmas, where he says he misses her. My wife's replies are always very practical and non-involving, ie, she's not doing anything wrong (at least that I can see), but at the same time they are warm and she always sends him kisses.

I don't know what to do now. I am growing inpacient with this and at the same time fear for the consequences if I stir the waters too much. I don't want to live away from by son, that would destroy me. I also don't want her to think that I am snooping on her messages, I am not, I always find these things by accident.

I think I should have a chat with her and ask why the other guy thinks he can text her in the middle of the night saying that he misses her and ask what is she doing about it.

What do you guys think is the best approach?

Thank you very much for reading.

[Starsky309]

Lonely,

It seems your wife has never gotten this other man out of her system, and the affair has re-ignited. You already have all the confirmation you need ("hasn't done anything wrong" and "sending another man (with whom she's already had an emotional and a physical affair) kisses" ??? sorry -- those two things don't add up).

You need to LOSE THE FEAR. If you can abide your wife continuing her relationship with this man, then don't confront her. If you decide that your marriage CAN'T survive a third person in it, then confront her and let her know that while you don't want a divorce, you're not going to live in an open marriage, either, and you're NOT going to go thru this all over again with her and this other man.

She needs to end all contact with him, and provide transparency to you in order for you to feel safe in the marriage again. If she refuses to do that, then I guess you'll have all of the confirmation you need about her true intentions regarding this other man, and regarding your marriage.

Did she ever agree to no-contact and transparency when you guys got back together, or was it just the big gorilla in the room that was never discussed?

Starsky

[MrBond]

"My wife and I separated 3 years ago and got back together after a year of separation."

What was the initial reason for the separation? How were things resolved or were they just swept under the table?

[Lonely Room]

Thank you very much for your replies.

The "official" reason why we separated in 2011 was because I was sad and depressed. Things weren't good between us, I was living abroad, having work problems and my mother was just diagnosed with a cancer.

I never felt I had the support I needed at home, the weight on my shoulders increased and eventually I got into the depression. Two weeks after my mother was diagnosed, I was kicked out of the house. Cold and simple. I found myself alone in a foreign country, having to support my mother remotely and travelling to visit her whenever I could.

I then found these books and the forums, started working on myself, things got better at work, I got better each day, and eventually, after almost 1 year of separation and many months of no contact, we got back together. She said I was again the same man she met years before, we got pregnant and here I am.

But things aren't usually that simple. I suspected for a while that she was having some form of affair with the other man. After we got back together, I got the confirmation that it was a physical affair, at some point. I also know that they know each other since their youth. I confronted her and she said it was a "hiccup" and that she was over it, moved on. She wanted to be with me.

I think that affair, at least emotional, mined our relationship for a long time before we separated. In retrospective, it explains many things, the lack of support, the lack of sex, the sadness when she was next to me. That made me sad, and when the work and my mother's health problems came, I was already vulnerable and she used that as the catalyst for the separation. Is this the Truth? I don't know, it's my truth. I know that I'm not a bad person, so, it's highly unlikely that only I was to blame.

[Lonely Room]

Last Sunday I eventually decided to talk with my wife about the recent conversations that she has been having with the other man and the inappropriate texts.

I was calm and in control. I asked her that I wanted to have a chat, that I only asked her to listed to me for a while, and that then she could talk for as long as she wanted, and that I would listen.

I explained that I came across the conversations and specifically the text from the other man in the middle of the night where he says he misses her. I asked why did the other man think it was okay to say that to a married woman with an infant son and why is she always warn and chatty with him, even after that text.

She answered she didn't know why he said he was missing her. That she also felt uncomfortable but that she wanted to by polite because he's a co-worker. She said that usually it's him who starts the conversations and that she only goes on because she wants to be polite.

She said she didn't feel guilty because she didn't do anything wrong, although she agreed that he crossed the line. She said she will make it clear to him that those terms are inappropriate and she will stop texting him because it could create more problems.

I then said that she should stop texting him because she feels it's the right thing to do and not because I want or because it causes problems. She reassured me that there's nothing going and that her life, her phone and her emails are open to me.

I still feel that there's a lot she's hiding, that I don't fully know what happened between them and that I don't know the other man's true intentions. This kind of undermines the trust I have in her, and I know that's essential for a healthy marriage.

I think I will leave things are they are but keep my eyes open. Very open.

What do you guys think?

[MrBond]

Check the emails and phone. You might also want to be sure she doesn't have a secret email account or cell phone hidden somewhere.

[Starsky309]

Agree with Bond. She very likely is thinking "OK, he suspects something, so I'm going to have to be more careful from now on" rather than any true cutting off of contact.