What keeps you doing this? Some days are easy, and some...those days when you want to quit...in fact some of those days when you do quit, and we have all been there...what brings you back? What do you burn in your heart to keep going?
Is it your kids? Your vows? Your determination? Your spouse being worth it? The idea that they would do the same in your shoes?
What does it for you? What brings you back.
Share, the holidays are one of the hardest...that and spring for some stupid reason. And you never know...your fuel might become someone elses.
In the end, mine was stubborn pride.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I used to think he would stand for me as well but now I don't know
A little bit of stubbornness too It's not one thing. It's a belief. What keeps my heart going ? My kids. My belief in my vows. My belief in my H
I am very anxious for the holidays- all but one since BD have been with him and his family. I enjoy the sum of all parts. I don't enjoy H. Right now. So I look at the kids. And the love of the family around me. And I enjoy. And am even more grateful because i have been given the opportunity to appreciate, cherish and love that which I might have continued taken for granted in the past.
Looking through my children's eyes... I find the flame.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
For me the biggest thing is love. In the same way my "H" feels compelled by his emotion to run off and be with someone else, my heart tells me I really do love him unconditionally. To slam the door and walk away would be contrary to the feeling in my heart. At least for now. Maybe in time my heart will change.
For me my son is definitely also a big part of it. I see how my H's upbringing and parental relationships really undercut his emotional foundation and I want to spare my son from similar problems if I can at all help it. I am willing to do my part to give my son a chance at having an intact family, and a good relationship with both his parents regardless of the outcome. I realize how influential this situation could be to son's future relationships.
I think there is also a sense that to me 16 years was an investment in a life together and a relationship and love that I am not willing to throw away, even if my "H" seems to be pretty okay with that at the moment. Certainly we had some hard times and challenges in our R... but overall I look back and see a positive experience. Clearly we could have had a better R if we had known more at the time and had worked at it... but no one tells you these things when your R seems to be plugging along in a "good enough" state. I know that if we did ever reconcile, I would be more mindful to WORK the relationship and not take things for granted. And in that same vein... I would hate to have regrets that I didn't do what I could to give this relationship it's fair chance. I think I owe that at least to my son and myself, but I like to think "the old H" deserves the chance as well... I fell in love with him and loved him for a reason. I don't think that reason has ceased to exist, at least not yet.
And all that being said, I think KNOWLEDGE and INSIGHT are what give me the practical strength to see this through. It is encouraging to see that there are patterns and similarities across the MLC journeys... I don't have to take this personal. It's not because I am awful. It has happened to awesome people with even stronger marriages. Some MLCers are far more challenging to deal with than mine. The OW isn't better than me, just different and filling a role she is meant to play. Etc. My lot in life now kind of svcks, but it could be a lot worse too. It helps to keep things in perspective, to see the bigger picture and the possible outcomes. There is still hope, nothing is impossible, and I will be okay no matter what happens, because I am strong and capable and loving and able to find happiness even in this challenging time.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Love is a funny thing... it keeps us going when we want to or should stop in our tracks. The hurt, the pain, the insults, the abandonment all fail in comparison to love. Why do we keep going when the other has seemingly quit?
HOPE... hope for a future together, hope for a rekindled spark, hope for a family put back together, hope for a vision of the future from glimpses of our past.
When we lose hope we quit caring, when we stop caring it's all over.
It's unconditional the kind of love I am talking about... it's all nighters at the hospital, it's cleaning up puke or holding her hair back for her, it's working on us when we want to just curl up and sleep, it's taking the hurt and pain because we love our spouses.
I am officially divorced and thought I wanted to date, my mind screams for it at times... yet i find myself holding back even when women are interested in me. Why?!?! I think it's because I still have hope...
I will wait a while longer, heal, become stronger, try to become wiser and give love unconditionally. I may be hurt in the future but I think I need to do this at this time. I need to know I gave love unconditionally, because that is what I would want from her if I were completely off the banana truck...
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Love, hope, history, stubborness and, in some respects, fear ... the fear that someday I might regret that I didn't do everything I could to try to save my marriage. The fear that if I gave up too soon and threw away my last, best chance to reconcile with the man I fell in love with so many years ago, I would regret it for many years to come. I have to know, regardless of the outcome, that I gave it my best shot.
I also see how much pain he is going through and how lost he is, and although I can't do much to help him find his way, I have to stand by him and offer what little I can give him. I would hope he would do the same for me, and oddly, I know somewhere deep down inside that he would in whatever way he could.
Another thing that keeps me going is this bb. It is so comforting to know that those who are going through this are so willing to reach out and boost me when I need it or rein me in when I need that. The people here are definitely on the list of what keeps me going. If not for them, I don't know where I'd be right now, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be a particularly nice place.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Knowing if given the opportunity, I'd share what I've learned. I'd give what should have been given. I'd receive with abandon. Showing my girls that two wounded children of two different divorces CAN break a cycle. Can withstand odds and heal.
I fight today, one day more because I owe it to him and myself. We have been through so much prior to this, we deserve some fun WITH each other. I hope we are able to work ourselves back to each other.
Is the first year the worst? Does it really get better? When they go from clinging to touch and go, is it just a slow death? Or is it really a growing period?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Is the first year the worst? Does it really get better? When they go from clinging to touch and go, is it just a slow death? Or is it really a growing period?
Yes. But that's not the same as the end of the story.
For me? Commitment, integrity, Love (of self and my ex). Those were the things that kept me going. And still do, only in a different direction now. Can't control another person or a situation - I've learned to let go of the fear that drives the desire to control. I've grown. I've learned. I still am.
I may have grown and I may be different, but those are still things that are core to who I am.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Great topic, with plenty of inspirational answers so far.
For me it's the shared history. All the years working, living, playing and dreaming together. The commitment that was there between us for all that time prior to this present crises. That's not something I can give up on easily. We've been through stuff before and made it, why not now?
The knowledge that W is going through the most difficult period in her life, and I believe doing the best she can. How could I bail on her now?
The knowledge that D will be very painful, for a long time... Something worth avoiding if we can!
The fact that I'm really not interested in any other women, or starting over with one.
Oh, and also because I'd really like to "do" my hot W again!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
It is for sure the longevity of it all. The familiarity feels safe and warm. It's also the belonging. When my kids jump in our warm bed, or the grandson needs a cuddle, there isn't a second thought.
It's also the hard work over the years looking forward to this time. A time when work is less, money is more, and the kids are grown. Taking 25 yrs to get to the point where we can come together again as a couple and reinvest ourselves as lovers and companions.
I do have some determination in me, but I fear that sometimes holding out can hurt the sitch. Holding out can't mean holding on...there is a fine line there.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I think it was different at different times or during different stages.
At first it was to get her back and the integrity I felt for my vows.
That grew over time into a desire for growth. Standing in the face of adversity or at times seemingly long odds makes you question everything about your M, your W and most importantly yourself.
THAT was the fuel that carried me through. The desire to know myself and realize who I wanted to be and set my goals for myself.
It got easier when I centered my efforts around what I wanted and not what was being done to me.
Evolving from being a victim to being victorious.
Hey Jack. Nice to hear from you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
