Not sure if you remember me. It's Kimmerz. I think it's been close to a year since I've posted.
I haven't forgotten any of you here and have thought of all the support and advice I've gotten from all of you since I stopped posting. The advice and conversations is what's gotten me through this last year in my own personal growth and dealing with XH.
I wanted to point out a few things I've learned for sure in this whole process.
MLC is real! These people seem to jump on that magic carpet and ride into a delusional oblivion that only life and the hand of God can penetrate through.
They don't want to let go. They still want to keep interjecting themselves into your life per their whim. And they do it in ways that will make you crazy! Don't worry, after a while you won't even think twice about whatever drama they throw your way.
Letting go of the hurt, betrayal and ultimate loss of your relationship with the MLCer is the longest and hardest journey you may ever face in your life. Especially if they're consistently interjecting themselves in and out of your lives like it's a sport! It takes TIME. Just when you think you've really moved forward (which yes you have gained ground) things happen and cause a backslide. Be patient. Unfortunately it's part of our growth process. Think of the MLCer as an irritant that's causing you to do nothing more but grow out of your comfort zone and move forward.
As painful as this ordeal is, please try and remind yourself of one thing. WE are growing through this process. If we take this opportunity as a chance to really improve ourselves in every way, with each GROWING PAIN that passes, you will look back and see how far you've come and how much you've grown!
I just wanted to say that there is life after the storm has passed, or after the MLCer has made their exit. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And with each dramatic wave that hits, just ride it out then take the time to evaluate yourself, your emotions, why you're feeling them and what you can do to manage them better.
I've missed everyone! Hope everyone is doing great!
Hey Kimmerz! How are you and your daughters? I imagine they are going by leaps and bounds. You sound very strong in your posting. I'm so glad you returned for a visit...please drop by more often.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey someone's got a new handle! Or new id! I figured that was you! Lol.
We're doing great! Oldest is 14 and the youngest will be 11 tomorrow. They're doing very well in school, both on honor roll! And I don't even have to fight with them about homework! They've managed to grow past all the changes in our lives regarding the XH departing on his magic carpet ride. We live our lives together as a happy little unit. They still see him every other weekend. XH moved out of town which has made life SO MUCH EASIER. I can finally breathe again.
I've been in a relationship for 8 months now! Things are going very well between us. We have such similar back grounds and so much in common it's just unbelievable. His XW seems to have flown the MLC carpet too, but many years before mine did. All I can say is WOW. A solid and loving relationship the second time around is so different, but so wonderful in so many ways. Im finally experiencing what it's like to have someone that prioritizes a relationship and makes an effort on a daily basis letting me know Im loved and appreciated. I didn't realize just how much was missing from my marriage until I started this relationship. However I must say, you don't know how much emotional baggage you have until you get into a new relationship. Thank God this man is so kind, caring, loving and understanding enough to help me unpack and get rid of the luggage once and for all!
Is your daughter now fully recovered and doing well these days? I can't believe how they have grown up. BTW, Happy Birthday to your D. I'm so glad to read that they have grown past all of the changes. You and your girls really had a trip from hades for a long time...but you were/are strong and you set your boundaries and made it to the other side. I'm very proud of you.
I'm glad to see that you are in a new relationship. Take things slow, keep expectations at zero and whatever you do, don't sit around talking about your xh and his magic carpet ride. This is a whole new relationship and one that can be so much better and fulfilling for all of you. Go girl!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, my daughters are doing as good as possibly can be expected. I hate to really say this, but no real closure or talks have been had between them and their father in regards to his leaving. At least I haven't been informed of it if it has happened. From what I understand he continues to just live life his way on his terms! The girls are "always welcome" as he says to me and them all the time in his life, but they still don't feel completely comfortable with the situation. It's more tolerated than anything by them.
I do know this much. My 14 year old seems to accept the situation but does't like it and still doesn't like OW. OW still won't speak to the girls while they're there and has made NO effort to connect or establish any sort of friendship at all with the girls. We are now 2.5 years into this. Because of that it's clear the girls have an underlying resentment towards their father, OW and the whole situation within itself.
OW and her family come and stay at the house while the girls are there. OW's family tends to just show up and stay without much warning. It seems OW's children and grandchildren are for the most part OK. They seem to try and befriend the girls, but the girls feel very akward about that.
My oldest seems so wise for her age. She see's her father's behaviors, and even notices right away how he handles things with her and her sister is just odd. My youngest says " Mom, Dad doesn't know how to handle us like you do!He won't make us behave if we fight!"
XH plays passive aggressive games with the girls. At one time this might have worked for him to gain control over them when they were very young but now that they're older, believe me they don't buy it. Quite frankly I don't know what to say when your own children surpass the maturity of their own father.
Xh portrays the image he's very content in his life. I do speak to him from time to time but make it a point to keep my distance because it still doesn't take much to just PISS ME OFF!!! He's asked for a financial review over the child support amount, which I find comical. He's gotten a promotion, and a raise. He's going to have a big suprise when he see's my income has only increased by .75 cents in the last 2.5 years.
The last time I spoke to XH is person I made a joke that a certain boy was in pursuit of our 14 year old. I asked him if he still had the 357 magnum I bought him 20 years ago for a birthday present because I may need to borrow it! He said " Yes but that's about the only thing I have left". I do know he's had to pawn and sell stuff for money. OW continues to refuse to get a job.
At anyrate, life goes on! I guess my biggest concerns or questions is a new relationship after divorce. I feel things are going well, but he and I are BOTH guilty of bashing our ex's together. Honestly him more than me! In my case I really don't mind hearing about his life with her because they were together just as long as my ex and I were. We were both horribly hurt they wanted out and still have scars. Listening to him talk really helps me see him and how he is. It makes me feel as if Im seeing the real him. I don't know how to explain it. I have an emotional intimacy with him that I've never had with anyone before. Geez am I starting to sound like an LBS? Someone about to have an affair? Someone that's found their soul mate! LOL!
Kimmerz, There may never be any talks for closure purposes between the girls and their father. Some mlcers will eventually talk to their children or spouse about things, but they would much rather sweep the situation under the rug and forget about it. In your xh's case, he's still in replay and is still angry about his situation. He doesn't want to face the fact that he had choices and he made the wrong ones and that's why he has nothing left in the way of material things. He went from having a beautiful wife, beautiful children and a good home life to living w/a woman who is taking him for everything he can provide to struggling because he's lost so much. All because he wanted to relive his youth and is now trying to grow up.
Kimmerz, your new relationship will be fine. You both are sharing a lot of your pain and hurt and you both have walked thru the ring of fire. Just be careful not to allow those talks become the foundation for your relationship. There comes a time when you will need to start putting the past in the past and begin living in the future if you want a healthy, loving and supportive relationship w/this man. I think you know this already and are working on it. So, I may be saying things that aren't necessary.
You and your girls have come a long way. I can still remember the cell phone problem of a year ago. So much damage and for what? Just to leave a relationship and play Peter Pan.
You are doing well. Try not to allow his actions rule your life. You have so much to be thankful for this year.
Happy Thanksgiving! Give the girls extra hugs and kisses for me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow job you remember so much! That means alot to me! Lol Well glad to report he still has no cell phone, but I now have cell phones for me and the girls. He can still text them via wi fi only but that's it. Now that he's quit texting me and now has moved out of town, the freedom I feel is amazing.
Thank you for the Thanksgiving wishes! I spent it working but having a wonderful Turkey lunch with my extended family at work. Then I got the entire afternoon and evening to myself because the girls were with their father. They will be back home today in a few hours. But I really enjoyed the quiet down time to myself. I really treasure my alone time because it's the time I recharge my batteries and have time for me. So I lived it up last night doing whatever I wanted.
As always thanks for your insights and advice. I couldn't agree with you more in regards to how XH is looking at this life at this time. His choices have given him consequences that.... dare I say.... ARE NOT WHAT HE EXPECTED THEM TO BE??? That is so like him to act like a buffoon and then turn around and be mad about it and try to blame it on something or someone. Lol. That got so old, so long ago. I mean the things he's pulled over the last year have just been asinine and down right mind boggling they're so stupid. I mean I don't know if the man could think his way out of a paper bag at this point.
I got word from D11 that she got a neat toy for her birthday from her father BUT SHE'S NOT ALLOWED TO BRING IT HOME. Yes, XH loves to give gifts, especially the ones that the girls really want, then turn around and say " now, you can't take it home. It has to stay here with me! It will get ruined if you take it home!"
I got annoyed for about 5 minutes then realized that there's nothing to get upset about. The girls know this is what he does and they don't even let it bother them either. I feel it's a way to keep control over the girls and honestly a pathetic way to bait them to want to come to stay with him. They will miss their toys and therefore want to go play with their toys, at his house. So he thinks.
To be honest, there's an element of me that feels sorry for XH because of the way his daughters see him. Well maybe I don't feel sorry for him, but I feel sad about it. Their maturity levels have surpassed his by leaps and bounds in just the last year. They know what he's like, the games he plays, and they know how to deal with him! And what's even better, is they don't play games back! If they feel he's not being fair, they address it and talk directly to him about it! They still stick together and still won't stay over at his place without the other. That makes me sad for my girls. But I realize that is no one's fault but his very own. We didn't ask for this or make him sling shot around the moon and lose his mind into MLC psychosis. It's just what's happened, and all we can do is accept it and move forward. I just want the best for my girls and it saddens me that their father is so unstable.
My new relationship with my new guy gets stronger with each passing day.No worries job, we're not making those exes the foundation of our relationship, ha ha! I guess if I could best describe it, it's almost as if we can look back and see how bad things were for each of us, and that makes us just so much more appreciative of one another! Our relationship is a long distance one, he lives 2 hours away. But he comes down every other weekend, usually when the girls are with their father. WE are now transitioning to them being here when he is here. We waited 7 months to do that. The girls are warming up to him, slowly but surely. BF and I have talked about the transition many times. BF is kind, but not pushy with them and is giving them their space. BF had two girls by the time he was 18. They are now in their early 20's and he's already a grandfather! It helps to have someone understand how dramatic it is raising two young women! Lol. He's been a support to me just by understanding what it's like to go through this. He raised his girls primarily by himself and with the help of his XW's parents, and his mother. And how he raised his girls and handled their divorce is really the same way Im doing it. We have very similar parenting styles. And that's not scratching the surface. To say we click is an understatement.
Hey Kimmerz! Happy Thanksgiving. Glad things are progressing. Sorry to see it seems "normal" in that he won't go away nor change with the kids yet, but hopeful that will come in time.
Happy Holidays!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I must've felt I would need this place during the Holidays again. The girls are home from Thanksgiving with their Dad. For someone who has considered themselves cool as a cucumber in regards to their XH, Im having a bad wave of emotion right now and am trying to ride it out!
And the reason Im feeling this, is because he's starting up with his antics again. Didn't I hear MLCERS get cooky during the Holidays?
It's just he's annoying the hell out of me. Nothing he says or does makes any sense at all. I accepted that a long time ago. As long as I didn't have to interact with him it was fine. But now I feel as if he's in pursuit of something with me AGAIN.
Unnecessary emails. Starting communication with his girls, yet trying to get me to be the messenger with them and finish getting all the information back to him? When it never was my conversation to begin with? Telling me he will contact his girls and ask them about getting together, then acting like he doesn't understand why I didn't contact him and tell him what was going on, when he said he'd contact the girls?
Im just seriously annoyed and frustrated right now. I will get over it. I just can't believe how stupid he acts!
