Limbo is the new normal

[NeedingMore]

HI Slow...I hope you can still check in to see that I have seen you latest updates and I wanted to remind you of something. One, I hope you are not feeling too bad about the "red flags" that you had. You were DBing and in doing so...people have to suck it up to try to make their relationship work. Even those who outright know there is another person involved. You being here, working through your feelings, and being proactive about getting support only shows that you are smart and that you know what to do to keep yourself stable for your children. You are a wonderful mom!! Two...I surely looked to your sitch for hope and inspiration, but that was about YOU and your strength in a tough situation. Not about the outcome. For me personally, I still admire your strength and your ability to do everything it takes to make your situation right. I know there are many more details to things than we can even post on the boards so I am glad to see that you are in a position where you are ready to take on the next phase of your situation and that you are doing it with the confidence that you have gained from making the right choices for your family. Getting your priorities straight is the same as living congruently with your faith in God. You are right that he is getting you through. And not only will you be rewarded for making loving choices, but you will be able to see miracles happen each day. Keep your eye out for them and KEEP IN TOUCH!

[slow_it_down]

My H rushed out and got a lawyer after I brought up my concerns about our son. Allegedly paperwork has been filed. I have the oddest sense of calm while he's gearing up for our custody mediation like he's going into a boxing match. I've never been more happy to have kept my side of the street clean through all of this.

I spoke to a lawyer so I have a good idea what to expect and what my rights are. I think having a plan and not getting dragged into arguments is making it easy to just enjoy the time I have with my kids now rather than stressing about what the court process will look like. My H is acting like I'm out to get him and has really escalated the situation so I'm really focusing on validating what he says but not getting caught up in things.

On the positive my H has been spending dedicated time giving our son his full undivided attention. It's what I always wanted with the caveat being that my H hates my guts and we don't speak while he's here.

In the meantime I signed me and my 9 year old up to take snowboarding lessons. I'm going to be a disaster on the slopes but it sounds fun and I'm really looking forward to trying something new.

I don't feel like I'm in DB mode, just that I'm living my life and using the skills I built over the past few months. Patience, patience, patience.

I think this is the first time in 18 months I haven't felt alone in bed at night despite having the whole thing to myself. It's an interesting place to be in.

[slow_it_down]

Interesting morning so I thought I'd hop on quick to share.

In previous separations my prayers have always been for my H to come back home. I did a lot of begging and pleading to God to bring him back. This time around I have a greater sense of acceptance that we may really be on course for divorce, and while I have no intention of dating/remarrying after the paperwork goes through, I still legitimately care about my H and his wellbeing. So, this time around my prayers have simply been for my H to move past the pain in his life. For the conflict at work, the conflicts he's creating around custody, the conflicts in his anger toward me to all just dissipate so he can just relax and get back to enjoying his life.

Today he called to say he's pursuing training for a career he's always talked about but never considered. In 2 years he could be free and clear of the 70-90 hour work weeks that drag him down right now. He only called me because he needed some information to complete the paperwork, but he sounded really excited on the phone and it sounds like the perfect opportunity for him right now. I know my prayers aren't solely responsible for this positive shift in his career path, but it was really rewarding to be able to just be happy for him even when it didn't mean we were any closer to being the happy married couple I always wanted.

On an unrelated note, I also drew a very firm line in the sand regarding this potential court situation for custody. He's using his moms money so he has no reason to hold back on pushing this through as much legal legwork as he possibly can. I on the other hand have 3 kids to feed and think its pretty sucky of him to force me to pay $3k to $7k to hash out a reasonable visitation plan through the court system when we could easily be writing this up on our own. I'm a huge pushover and let him come and go as he pleases so its really ridiculous to make it sound like the only way he can get what he wants is to only talk to me in court where the going rate of an attorney is $200/hour+.

At any rate, I told him that while I agree that now is a good time for divorce, I want him to know that while I've been pretty lenient in the past with him coming back after separations, there is no way I'd consider reconciling if he had a change of heart in the future if he takes me to court and makes me spend $3k or more on this. I just can't justify taking that much money out of what I need to take care of my 3 kids only to accept him lovingly back. My heart may not be totally over him, but I just can't keep letting him make such reckless financial decisions that leave me reeling for years. I've never been good at setting and maintaining boundaries, but there it is and I intend to keep it. (Wish me luck, I don't have a track record of being tough when he expresses interest in working things out).

[slow_it_down]

I'm not in active 'save-my-marriage' mode but when things happen worth mentioning I'll still post them here.

Tonight my H tried calling about some documents he needs copies of. He very easily could have texted or emailed. I ignored the call and returned it later. He started off asking about the docs but proceeded to chat my ear off about this potential job change he's considering. It was really nice to hear him so excited about something. And this particular job will be great for him to have time for our son regardless of what happens between us. It will also mean he doesn't have to move to another state. I couldn't have asked for a better solution to this job thing that's been like a 100lb weight on my back for the past 4 years. I can finally stop feeling guilty that having to live near my older kids dad isn't holding my H back. Now he can be near his son and work a job he will love.

I've been on loops before so I can't help but laugh at how he can go from absolutely despising me, claiming papers are filed, not answering my calls, sending vile hateful emails to me, threatening a costly and painful custody battle, etc one week ago to the opposite extreme, calling me of all people to talk about this to. Last week his mom was his best friend in the world because she's funding his legal bills and is supporting his hatred of me. This week he's walking me through all the details of the new position and mentioned he hasn't told his mom anything about the new job.

Believe none of what you hear, half of what you see, and remember that how you (or your spouse) feels today might not be how they feel tomorrow.

Now it's back to being supportive of him from afar while I go about my life without him. The ball stays in his court to figure his own life out while I do fun things like snowboarding on Monday!!

[Confluences]

Keep your chin up and enjoy getting away tomorrow. You can't control the future so just enjoy the present.

[slow_it_down]

I couldn't agree more Confluences.
I had to hop back on again tonight to share another interesting development.

I've already mentioned that my H's job was a huge problem for us. Two other big issues revolved around his use of money (telling me he had none to contribute but then buying a boat or car), and his house which I have always hated for many reasons, but most recently because it's always his back up plan when he moves in and out. I always thought in my head that in order to work things out he'd need to commit to joining our finances and to getting rid of the back up plan house.

Tonight when my H was over visiting our son he was especially chatty, following me around my house. He told me what he made for dinner, what he watched on TV, about a funny movie, on and on. It reminded me of the first lunch we had after being separated all summer.

Anyways, back to my story about the money and house. He mentioned he wasn't sure what to do about his finances while he's gone and asked if it would be something I would be interested in doing for him while he was away training for a few months. This would involve adding me to his accounts. Plus he said he'll be calling a company about renting out his house while he's out of state. He also mentioned he might suspend his car insurance and just park it in my carport for a few months. What the what? He could easily park it at work or a friends place. Where did this sudden decision to rely completely on me come from?

I didn't even ask out loud and somehow all the things I'm holding out hope for are just falling into place. I don't see this saga ending anytime soon, but I think I can safely say he isn't pursuing the malicious $10k court battle he was threatening last week. For now I'm just treating him (in my heart and mind) like a friend and doing my best to help him bond with our son. Only time will tell if his crappy behavior over the past few years was a symptom of depression/mlc or his true self. He seems to be in great spirits so we'll see if this translates into him putting more energy back into our relationship again.

[NeedingMore]

Slow...
This is interesting for sure. I am happy to hear that you are (albeit hesitant to admit) DBing again! I totally understand that you are in a different place with it. One thing this reminds me of is that whenever I feel like giving up (and my sitch is good now but slooooooow to get all the way back to normal and still frustrating sometimes) I think about how I want to give up. Meaning, if I tell him off so to speak, like I am so done with you...then that is what I will get. But if I stay quiet and let my heart decide for me, then I will make loving choices that I can be proud of no matter how the sitch turns out. I think this is what you do too! And as far as the change in prayer, this is exactly what I was talking about when I mentioned the RETURN TO LOVE book and quotes by Marianne WIlliamson. Please read this book. Your prayers turned from fearful to loving. From a place of fear to a place of love. And when that happens, it opens up space for little (or big) miracles to take place. And it is because when you reside in the place of love, your eyes are open to the miracles. Miracles like his job prospect...and to see that HIS change is behavior is due to a shift in his place of fear (perhaps of not providing or being good enough for you) to a place of love and rejuvenation for this potential work. Then there is the miracle of how wonderful your snowboarding adventure is going to be, regardless of anything else going on. I am so excited for you! One thing to remember is that even if you and your H don't work things out...or if this job doesn't work out and he turns from chipper to grouch...your calm and patient reactions are firmly in place and are your personality now. That is another miracle.

[slow_it_down]

Needingmore, I'm really happy to hear things are going well for you in your sitch right now. Yay!

I like the line about being hesitant to admit about being in DB mode. Things are blurry for sure. I really don't feel like I spend any time thinking about how to get things back on track. Instead, I try to think through decisions/actions around 'how can I be supportive of him without being his wife.' If that means managing his bills while he's away, and making it easy for him to see his son, than those are things I can do.

Last night my H was over visiting our S. He was going on and on about all the elaborate meals he's been cooking the past few days. He loves to cook but virtually never cooks for me or my kids and almost never eats dinner when we are together no matter how many times I ask him to come home in time to eat with us.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how he has these different versions of himself. When we are together he doesn't eat dinner, hates his mom, is miserable all the time, works too much, can't plan more than a day ahead etc. Yet, the minute we are no longer together he starts cooking up a storm, doesn't work as much, is bff's with his mom and goes out to find the perfect job. Its really bizarre. Why can't I have that guy? What about our relationship makes him so different? Why when I ask him to come home earlier does he come home later and later? Why is he more reliable, consistent and puts more energy into caring for our son when we are apart?

With that being said, last night I thought about asking him why his lawyer hasn't filed yet because if I have a choice between being with him and being alone but getting a better version of him I would choose divorce. However, I decided to sit on that feeling for a bit just to see how I felt today before asking him about moving forward with the paperwork.

Then without even asking about the paperwork I get this today from my H: (via text) "Just know I'm sorry for a lot of things. I told my lawyer not to file anything. Sorry but I couldn't bring myself to do it."

[Confluences]

It sounds like his pursuit of the new career path/training has given him some clarity and new found purpose. I think it's important to remember that it is hard...and I mean really, really hard in this economic climate right now. There a lot of things working against people right now and that resistance creates a whole host of difficulties internally surrounding the concepts of one's self-worth, self-direction, and the journey to perhaps re-invent oneself.

The fact that he held off on pursuing the Attorney was a result of him stepping back and gaining a new sense of accountability within himself. That text mssg was very telling and should maybe, just maybe, give you a brief moment of clarity that you need another round of patience.

I'm not saying you should pursue the detachment mode of thinking because that could be drawing him back towards you.

The next time he starts talking about all his great cooking episodes, I'd say "Instead of telling me the story, why not allow us to share in the experience with you?"

Also: Needing More~ Enjoyed your insights too, they're helpful. I've been on this Faith Journey with Divorce Care and in order to have a Testimony....you got to go thru the Trials....and that is often hard.

Keep the faith..both of you....and keep in touch. You're obviously not able to dash off so easily and that's a good thing.

[slow_it_down]

As is the norm for me, things are a changin'. My H has been very warm and friendly, even calling me on the phone daily. He offered to pay my legal fees for the consultations I had to get when he threatened legal action. I'm pretty impressed that he's not just saying he feels bad about his threats to take me to court but is also willing to foot the bill to make up for it.

Lately he's been over visiting our S during dinner. Usually he doesn't eat with me and the older kids but he finally joined us at the table and ate with us yesterday.

This new job option really could be a game changer for us. When I see how light and comfortable he is I feel like I'm looking at the upbeat guy I met instead of the grumpy downer he's been the last few years.