Moving it here, we've been peicing for 4 months

[Tallula]

Ok, finally going to take the plunge and post a thread here. Short back story.

11/12 H comes to me out of the blue and says he wants a D and give me the ole ILYBNILWU speech.

2 days later tells me he is cheating on me and has our entire M.

12/12 I find DB and the forums, begin to impliment immediately.

-found out I was pregnant with our 3rd, total accident. Got pregnant the week before he told me

2/13 I set boundries and we separate, he moves out.

3/13 Found out he is sleeping with multiple woman, go NC execpt for kids.

6/13 I allow him to move back in to help out with the kids and the impending new baby

7/13 we slowly start peicing.

The short of it, H grew up in an abusive home. He used sex with OW to deal with pain. During our S he said that he loved me, but just didn't know if he could be with one woman. Through therapy, on both our parts, we both decided to try.

Things were going very well until after the baby came. Now I am having more "triggers" and panic attacks. H is great about helping me through them. But this weekend was tough. He was wearing a shirt I had never seen and I said I liked it and was it one of the gazillions of clothing he purchased while we were separated. He said yes. I said it was funny that he went out and got a new wardrob and I redid the house during the S. He then blurts out "I can't lie anymore, one of my flings bought all these clothes for me..." I was stunned, but we talked through it. He had come clean that he was with several woman besides the main OW during our S when he asked to come back, but we both agreed I didn't need to know who. Well, the conversation got waaaay too specific and he said about the woman who bought him the clothes that he thought about getting rid of them since he didn't like her at all...and BAM, I knew who it was. I had thought that he was banging an acquintance of ours during our S. She had confided about her S to me during mine and then BAM, stopped calling and texting...but gave my H a bunch of toys and stuff for the kids. I repeatedly asked him if he was with her and he denied it. Well, this time I looked him right in the eye and asked, he said no, but I knew it was yes. He said this wasn't going to do us any good, and he is right. I should never have asked, and I'm not asking who the others were, because I now want to go bash her face IN!! More so than anyone else because this :many, many, MANY bad words: had the balls to come up to me, hug me and say how glad she was we were back together and even text me about my new baby. All the while, he said she was sobbing about being in love with him (this was his discription before I figured out who it was).

Ugh. I really try to take this as a day at a time. I'm only 4 months into piecing, but I just think about throwing in the towel when I come off of a day of triggers or this BS! I hate knowing this stuff. I know my H loves me. He is such a different person than he was before. But will this ever get easier? I know I'm a great person and would find love with someone else. My separation showed me that I don't need my H. He's not here for the kids, he wants me. And vice versa.

We made a pact NEVER to discuss specifics again, just general stuff like, "I'm having a trigger.." Blah, blah. Oh, and I really want him to get rid of all the clothes. I have't asked yet. I need some time to process.

Anyone who has any advice, please let me in. I can't get in to my IC until next monday. I always feel so much better when I see her.

[cbtdad]

Hey Tallula,
Piecing is so tough. I get it. Just try and remember that y'all didn't get into this situation over night and you certainly won't get out of it overnight.
It's going to take time. The thoughts you are having are natural, but remember they are just "thoughts"
You can control them. I realize how painful it must be to hear those things. I for one did not want details either. She has offered some things without me asking and they have just come up in conversations. I just do my best to remind myself that that was the past and we ware working towards the future.
Lovethehub has some great posts. Look up some of her stuff and hopefully she stops by and can give you some advice

[Tallula]

Yes, it is tough!!

What was funny is that he thought telling me that he was with that many woman who all wanted a R with him, but that he chose me because and I quote "If I put all their good qualities together, they barely make up you. I was confused that since we got together so young, I settled, you settled, etc. I realized even more how amazing you are. I want to be with you, not for the kids or because I married you, but because of you." would make me feel better. Um, no. Kind of, but I'm having some serious panic attacks about running into the stupid acquintaince. I'm guessing he may have warned her, I'm just done talking about it so I'm not going to ask. But, it actually did make my occasional obsession with the main OW almost completely go away.

Last night my good friend, who is my neighbor, told me she cheated on her H...with a married man as well. What in the world!?!?! Talked to H about it. It's just like, sweet GOD are there any people who do take their vows seriously anymore.

Ok, so some really big news. My H took a job in another state. He leaves on friday and we will follow in a few months. This makes me excited, scared, sad, scared...excited. From all we have gone through, I've gotten a new outlook on life. From a large paycut H got, to the S, to the fact that 3 kids under 4 in daycare eats up almost my whole paycheck, we have become one car breakdown away from not paying the bills. We are taking this leap, because...why NOT!! I haven't told my family or many friends. I know people will think we are crazy doing this after what we have been through, but we look at it as an opportunity to pay off debt, save up money and go on an adventure.

I am scared. It's going to be really, really hard being a total single parent. It's going to be really, really hard for H to be away from us, especially the baby. Of course I's worried he'll cheat and then I'm stuck in a different state. But, then I just come back.

Life is too short to not take chances. I've learned that coasting isn't the way to live! Not in marriage, a job, anything. I'm going to really miss him, which is amazing because there was a time 6-8 months ago I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him, and vice versa.

Thanks cbtdad, I'll check out lovethehubs posts!!

[jp787]

Tallula,

Reading these post makes me spin a little lol.

First, glad your piecing.

I am going to our 1st MC tonight and one thing he (therapist) he is my IC told me is that he will suggest that we try taking the really hard stuff (OM) for me and keep it to only talking about it in his office, so maybe that is something you might look at?

I'll chime back later.

Oh yes I agree 340% to check lubthe hub, very insightful!