Living My Life

[littleGTO]

Time for a new thread!

Synopsis of my sitch for anyone new:

-Been M for 18 yrs; together for 21
-Have 3 beautiful boys, ages 14, 11 & 10
-BD 1 1/2 yrs ago (having EA w co-worker; ILYBINIWY)
-EA likely to be closer to 2 years
-H moved out 10 1/2 months ago
-First mention of D 4months ago

-Took off wedding ring 2 months ago (HUGE for me- meant I had accepted end of M)
-1 month ago-Met w 2 different mediators (meet & greet)..I cried at both; haven't been back

-1 month ago- H & OW started NC (but work together, so....?)
-1 month ago- I started new position at my work (LOVE it!)

-H comes to our house to see boys after school every day & just started having overnights one night each weekend, but ultimately wants more time, not at house This is my hang-up/fear.

-Me- have a "cute guy" friend who I have kissed on more than one occasion & like to hang out with once in a while at his house (R is rebound/transitional (no emotional connection-he does not want a GF-like R right now-works a lot; has S3...& I am not ready of a new R like that, I don't think)....trying to understand the WHY of him in my life, but am accepting of it)

-Have not dated; H recently voiced his "disapproval" of dating unless we are D'ed...this is unsettling to me, but not actually sure

-H recently has complimented me on my looks more & given me "long hugs" instead of "pity pats"...trying not to read into any of it

-I am NOT afraid of losing H b/c I M is over, but am VERY fearful of losing time w my boys & them losing the life of ONE HOME

-Just "sitting" right now & trying to find peace in the calm; finding more happiness now than in a long time... Living my life!

[AnotherStander]

"long hugs" instead of "pity pats"

Sadly, I know just what you're talking about. After BD nearly every hug W gave me she pounded me on the back like I was a rarely seen and not-much-liked uncle, LOL! I finally just quit hugging her after a few months of that. Then she started initiating hugs and they were the long hug type, but that too stopped (no telling why). Haven't touched her in any way in months, and I don't want to.

-I am NOT afraid of losing H b/c I M is over, but am VERY fearful of losing time w my boys & them losing the life of ONE HOME

Don't fear what you can't control, just accept it and deal with it. You are a very, very strong person, I have complete faith that you can do this W and I have 50-50 custody, we switch off every week. I certainly don't like it, but it's my "new normal" so I decided why not make the best of it? So I use my "alone" weeks to do stuff that I never had time for before. Before BD I always felt guilty doing anything just for me, not anymore!!!

-Just "sitting" right now & trying to find peace in the calm; finding more happiness now than in a long time... Living my life!

Yeah, that's the stuff

[jp787]

Hi GTO.

I am still on moderation (FYI)

I think it is great that you have a new postion at work and you love it. We all spend so much time at work, that it is a blessing to enjoy it.

If you could wave a magic want what would you wish for?

[littleGTO]

Thanks, AS! I can always count on you for support and perspective!

You are right not to fear what I cannot control. HOWEVER, I know there is flexibility in what child custody looks like. The boys having been living ONLY WITH ME since H moved out with occasional sporatic overnights.

If possible we want to use a mediator BUT I may resort to a lawyer if ultimately it will gain the boys the gift of living in only one home during their school week. (And, yes, it is the selfish mommy in me talking too. I did not ask to be a part-time mom & I may go to battle over this... it is too important to me!)

I will not settle for 50/50. Again, I know this is selfish, but it is what I think is best for the boys (to stay in one home).

S10 had a very difficult week--weepy and irritable. Voiced his sadness over "dad not living with us any more" three nights in a row! He even asked to see the C at his school on two different days. It kills me to see him so sad and upset. H is aware and is trying to make an effort to spend more one-on-one time with him this weekend (which is good).

This has given me negative thoughts toward H--hate that this sitch has affected my boys & breaks my heart when they are sad.

[labug]

S10 had a very difficult week--weepy and irritable. Voiced his sadness over "dad not living with us any more" three nights in a row!

Sounds like this son is telling you what he needs. More dad time instead of less, maybe.

Slow down, girl.

[littleGTO]

THanks, bug, you are right that I need to slow down a bit. S10 is spending more time w his dad this weekend--I hope this will make a difference in the upcoming week.

I need to journal--tough DBing day for me!

H & I met at S10's soccer game & sat together. I was in an irritable mood (due to ignored texts from cute guy and more recently when I took a walk this morning he was not interested in engaging in a conversation with me--I was annoyed).

Anyway, I pushed H's buttons. First I asked if when the boys were invited to social events during "his" weekend night if he was going to allow them to go...b/c I hoped that he would. (I should have asked calmly "how to do want to handle invites to social events for the boys on the nights you have them?")

He was open to them going with friends on his night but that led to the discussion of him wanting more "overnight" time with them in general so that led into the same disagreement we have about where the boys should be and with whom.

So that led into discussion about "child custody" which then I said, "sounds like we are discussing this like it's going to happen, rather then I possibility." He said when /if this happens we need to agree.

I was definitely provoking him to say he wanted a D. (Not sure WHY!) But he didn't.

He asked where I was going tonight after I told him I had plans. I said "out w a friend"-- intentionally vague. This annoys him every time, which he said. Then he asked why I did this & I said I don't feel like I need/want to share every part of what I do with you anymore. For months and months you've lived your life without sharing it with me."

Then (HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS, MY FRIENDS)... he say "Even if you don't think so, I still care about you and I LOVE YOU." H hasn't said these words since BD!!!! (at least not w/o a I love you but...)

Then we came back to the house and continued to argue...about how much money he pays me and what that may or may not cover...blah, blah, blah... He said he's never not going to care about me and give me the money I need as long as he has it.

In usual style we both calmed down (although today escalated like it has not in a long time), took a breath, apologized, and he hugged me for like a whole minute...A WHOLE MINUTE!! AND, he said I LOVE YOU, again!!!!!!

I did not say it back. I don't know how I feel any more. But, I did cry. Not because of what he said so much but because I am sad that we got to this place that neither of us can seem to find our way back from.

I guess we don't. We go forward. We try to find a new path that may or may not include being a married couple.

I find myself in a new place today... don't want to see cute guy; want to see what happens w H... maybe.

CONFUSED. DOn't see H the same anymore. Don't know if I want to be with this new person. DOn't know what the new me wants.

[JuneReN]

Welcome to my world

My H improved and didn't leave because of an EA or PA, so I feel that I am ill equipped to give any form of advice except to wait it out a bit if you can. You are confused, he is moving in your direction.

So if he and you get to a place where you are discussing where you want to be as a family, suggest you guys date for awhile. You've both changed and need to get to know these new people while letting go of old resentments and expected patterns.

Love you Turtle <3

[labug]

^^^Exactly!

[littleGTO]

Thanks, ruby! I will continue to move forward, wherever that takes me!

[JuneReN]

All we get to do, right? Is keep moving....