Not sure whats happening?

[FlyOnTheWall]

Well its now been 9 months of separation. My wife had asked me to move out cause she needed time to see if she wanted to even be married to me anymore. I got "the speech", ILYB. It took me a good 3 months to even come to terms what was happening. I wasn't always there for her or my family due to work, and now looking back, some deep seeded parent issues I wasn't even aware of that came out during 6 months of IC.

Sorry I should have prefaced this by saying I have a post under a diff user name, but my kids informed me my wife was reading it. So I took an extended break and started this ID. I wont post the link, cause the reality of it is that it sounds like so many other WAS stories, only the names and dates have been changed to protect the innocent (lol).

Anyways, back to my questions. I've changed so much, my wife has really noticed this new person. She's been coming over and talking to me (I was full 180). Listening, validating, really just trying to be there in a way I wasn't before. I was out of town for 10 days on a project. When I returned she'd come to my place, cleaned the house, stocked my refrig. bought me some new socks/underwear/shirts.

Today she came over and said, "Just come home. We'll figure it out". I asked her if she thought things could be different if I came home. She said she just wants to be happy, but that she doesn't know whats gonna make her happy. She loves me but, she's still confused about a lot of stuff, but that she'd be fine with me at home and not to expect anything right away. She's basically been this home body for 6 months now, which is almost funny/strange that is exactly what she was complaining about in the first place.

So, is it a good idea? no there was no affair. Do I need to have a better reason, is this the first step in trying to piece my marriage back together? Should I ask for MC or take it slow if I do come back home? Do I wanna come home, absolutely, but is it for a good enough reason. I'm confused. any advice would be helpful. Thx in advance.

[LanceSijan]

I will post here with this username as I too had my wife pursue me all over the internet.
So this is why I had another name to try to keep her from reading what I posted out in public.
Not an easy thing to do, I can tell you that.

I have been here for over four years and have thousands of posts on this site.
Normally I would say not to believe anything they say but you need to re-read what she wrote.
Can you move home and have no expectations?
That is what she asked you to do?

She loves me but, she's still confused about a lot of stuff, but that she'd be fine with me at home and not to expect anything right away.

I do think you need to be able to communicate to have a new relationship.
Whether she is really ready for that or not is hard to say.
If you move back home I would not move out again.
That should be what she should have done.

Putting you marriage back together is not going to be easy.

You need to have 2 people that are willing.
So I guess that is the question, are you both willing to do the hard work?

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Welcome back Fly. Happy to hear things are looking up for you. If I recall correctly, you were mostly backing off and detaching .. Your version of the last resort technique. As I recall your w had a friend who was a bad influence and you w was interested in a more exciting life... Am I on the right track?

[AnotherStander]

Today she came over and said, "Just come home. We'll figure it out".

First, congrats on hearing this big turnaround from your W, that's certainly good news!

She said she just wants to be happy, but that she doesn't know whats gonna make her happy. She loves me but, she's still confused about a lot of stuff, but that she'd be fine with me at home and not to expect anything right away.

OK, well she's obviously not out of the fog yet. I would be hesitant to move right back in, I think you need to move slowly. There have been quite a few piecing stories where the LBS let the WAS move back too quickly and the WAS ended up walking again (in your case you're the LBS moving back in, but it's a similar scenario). You should start out by "dating" again and seeing a good solutions-based MC. Also check and see when RetroV is in your area, it is a fantastic program to go through when the WAS expresses interest in reconciliation.

is this the first step in trying to piece my marriage back together? Should I ask for MC or take it slow if I do come back home?

Yes it's the first step, but be ready because piecing is hard work, some say it's harder than DB'ing. As I mentioned above I would pursue MC before you move back in.

[chasingpavements]

Glad to see you back Flyonthewall! I think it's good that your wife is starting to come around and wants to work on things again. Before you make any decision about moving back in, make sure you think long and hard about it. Perhaps even think of some terms to you moving back in. You should probably have another talk with her about how things are going to be if you move in. You need to gauge where her head is at right now, and figure out both of your expectations. I agree with Lance that if you move back in, that you do not move back out again.

If she is willing to work on the marriage again, I say go for it! My opinion is that if you move back in with her, that you take it slow, and do not do MC (not right away anyway). I would say to start reading up on all of those DB articles about 'piecing' and what to expect. That should give you an idea of where to go from here.

Have a good day,
-cp

[HopefulStill]

Fly,
I have never been in your position (separated), so put more weight on the comments from those who have. However, I repaired my M just as my wife was looking to S. It sounds to me like your W is in the same frame of mind that mine was - still a little fogged, but ready to give the M a genuine try. I think that you have time to take things on your schedule, but I wouldn't wait to long to show your wife that if she wants to invest, then you are ready to also. I would definitely spell out your intentions to her first:

1. You want a great marriage, not a mediocre one.
2. You want a different marriage than you had before, one where you make decisions together.
3. You want a marriage where you both learn to meet each others most important needs.
4. You want a life together where you face things as a team, not independently.
5. You want a marriage where you are honest with one another about everything- feelings included.
6. You both agree to move forward and put the past behind you.

There are more points that you may want to include, but this may help get you started. If she agrees with these points, I would make plans to move back.

Above all, never slip back to your old habits! You will destroy everything if you blow this chance. She must see you are committed to her happiness.

[FlyOnTheWall]

Exactly 2taC.

I'd really been working the mental aspect of letting go, and coming to terms with a divorce. No pressure no expectations either way. Just letting her find herself. I even told her that i'd accepted the fact that she didn't love me, and had realized I just needed to come to terms with that and let her go. I think the big change happened when her friend up and quit on her, and moved 900 miles away. She said when she thinks about it, im really the only person that's ever really been there for her. She knows she'll never find anyone that loves her the way I do.

Yesterday, she said she did love me, that she thought she was going to find some happiness without me these last few months, but its just not happening. She's now just alone with the same feelings because nothing has changed with her, just my changes, which she's so proud of.

We haven't really been dating per say, but I make a gourmet dinner once a week and have her over. Let her pick some exotic meal and I whip it up. I thought we'd almost talked to much about it yesterday and backed off a bit, we'll have another discussion in a day or so. Initially I thought I don't even want to bring up MC, as it just doesn't feel like a real commitment at this point. But any conditions I put on the situation might come off as a control tactic, and im staying away from that topic.

Thus I was thinking about maybe just setting a date for in a few weeks/month. Give her some time to think about it more, heck the both of us for that matter. She's basically asking for help, but I know I cant really help her find herself at this point, that's what she needs to do for herself, but she's been reaching out to me for a few months now. I just need to be supportive in the process. I wish like heck she'd go back and get some IC, as she's still running from several issues outside of our marriage (mainly work). I think she's starting to realize a lot of her unhappiness didn't have so much to do with our marriage as much as all the outside influences.

Hopefully I answered some of the questions presented to me, or at least gave a little more info on the sitch to help garner more accurate advice. I'm beyond confused myself atm, and have a bad history of making an emotional decision, instead of an informed ones. Both my kids say mom is coming out of the fog, I just know she's not back all the way yet.

Thx again for reading, the advice, and all the great support these last 9 months.

[Accuray]

Agree, I would NOT move back in until she agrees to work on the marriage with you. If she's giving you the old "I'm not sure what I want, so don't have any expectations of me", then I would give her more time to sort out what she wants.

If you move back into a situation where she expects to have her needs met but not meet yours (and that's what it sounds like), that's a recipe for hell on earth.

As HopefulStill suggests, you should have a list of reasonable conditions and leave yourself an out. The minute she violates your boundaries, move back out, so if you have an apartment, I'd keep the lease going so you're not trapped. Unfortunately when it comes to piecing you need to play hardball if you truly want to have a good marriage going forward. If it starts out one-sided it's unlikely that it's going to improve.

Acc

[Starsky309]

Agree, I would NOT move back in until she agrees to work on the marriage with you. If she's giving you the old "I'm not sure what I want, so don't have any expectations of me", then I would give her more time to sort out what she wants.

If you move back into a situation where she expects to have her needs met but not meet yours (and that's what it sounds like), that's a recipe for hell on earth.

As HopefulStill suggests, you should have a list of reasonable conditions and leave yourself an out. The minute she violates your boundaries, move back out, so if you have an apartment, I'd keep the lease going so you're not trapped. Unfortunately when it comes to piecing you need to play hardball if you truly want to have a good marriage going forward. If it starts out one-sided it's unlikely that it's going to improve.

Acc

Totally agree. ^^^


Starsky

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Fly: you are doing great; what you are doing seems to be working. (Maybe you got a lucky break with the friend moving away :))

My personal goal is to establish some level of romance back into the relationship before living with my w again and it seems like you would want that too. I have always felt like I would insist on counseling or a marriage workshop or something like that prior to living together again.

You're a bit ahead of me in the process, so i am watching your switch to see what might work for me.

Good luck!!!