I have been married for a year and we have been together for four. Three months ago I learned of a PA which began while she was away for military training. We tried counseling after the discovery but she continued an EA with the OM. I recently found that she lied about having additional training and instead flew up to meet OM.
When I found out, I reacted emotionally and filed after very little discussion between us. I was very hurt and irrational. We are scheduled to finalize later this month and she is in the process of moving out by the end of the month.
Since I have been reading more about affairs, what leads to them and effective ways to recover from them, I feel I was hasty in my wanting to file and would like to work through this with my W. I understand that her needs were not being met and am working through what things I need to do to be a better husband.
She is still caught up in an EA and calls/texts OM every day. I am reading DB, reviewing the rules and have scheduled a call with C. I am a bit frustrated trying to figure out how to move forward and would like any help or advice.
My major questions are around the 37 rules. How do I bring up the fact that I dont want D and want to R? The 180s I need to do are to show more affection and emotions (I was not affectionate enough or make her feel wanted), but the rules say to detach, not bring up the relationship and dont pursue. So how do I handle these conflicts between 180s and the rules?
I am already working on GAL and going out with friends a lot more. I recognize where I was lacking in our marriage that lead to how we got here. I also see now how her trying to share that before it got to this point went unrecognized by me. So those things I am already resolved to fixing. Just need to know effective ways to show those changes when she is about to move out, we have no kids or other reason for contact.
Many thanks.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
We have filed the papers with the court but they do not get finalized until 9/24. I was the one who filed, how do I bring up that I want to delay the proceedings? She will be in the house until 9/27 when she will be moving in with a female friend in the area. I have been practicing not pursuing and limiting my intiation of contact.
She tells friends that I never yelled, never hit her, but that we are just too different people. Shortly after Bomb 2.0 dropped she gave me the ILYBNILWY. I recognized that westarted growing apart because she felt I didnt show affection or want to spend time with her. (Her LL is affection and affirmation) She tried to bring this to my attention several times but I didnt know how to address it or have the skills to. I am looking more and more into things and understand what things I need to do to be a better husband. I know I now have the task to make that man a reality.
How do I do 180s for not showing affection while at the same time detaching and not pursuing? My understanding is to back off, give her time to forgive my previous inattentiveness and be the better choice if she decides to come back. How will she get to see those changes if she is about to move out, we have no reason for continued contact after she is out?
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
Remember that DB'ing is Counterintuitive. You must speak to her through Actions not Words. Why would she believe anything that you say? Have you read the 5 love languages? Whats hers?
Get out and GAL. DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Thanks Cadet. Ive been reading the forums a bit and havee seen similar advice. I have been working on the things you metioned above since. Before I found these formums and talked with C I did the intuitive things and only found myself getting into more of a hole. I have seen some positive results since starting to follow the rules and GAL.
We have gone from avoiding each other completely to her coming home and at least complaining about work. I purposely let her come to me and mention nothing about R at this point. Just taking time and working towards the long haul.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
Out of town for two days for work, and getting a tatse of what it will be like when the W moves out. Felt good progress with DB when at least saw her after work. Being separated and living in two different places is going to be harder than I thought. I am sure it will get easier and will continue to try to put that focus on me and not on what she may or may not be doing.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
We have filed the papers with the court but they do not get finalized until 9/24. I was the one who filed, how do I bring up that I want to delay the proceedings?
Normally we suggest not initiating relationship discussions, but since you filed then you might want to have a brief talk with her, let her know you feel you rushed things and ask her what she thinks about delaying the proceedings. Just be prepared for her to say she wants to proceed anyway, because I suspect she will. If she does want to proceed then I would just say "OK, I understand" and leave it at that. No matter what she says, DO NOT beg/ plead/ negotiate/ reason/ explain/ etc. Just treat it like a business transaction- discuss it without emotion.
After coming home from a two day work trip, W was waiting up for me to arrive. We are in separate rooms as she prepares to move out, but she made a point to go into my room and lay down. She didnt really say anything but just seemed like she wanted to cuddle. Her complaints inwere our Mrelationship were that I did not show much affection, so this would have been an opportunity for a 180 for me.
Should I have taken her invite to cuddle or should did I make a mistake in not engaging? We have not talked much since DDay and I know she is continuing her EA with OM and now possibly connected with exboyfriends who are in the area. So I wanted to reinforce the trying to connect again but also did not want to be too readily available at her whim when others werent available.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
In this case, I do feel like you should have a discussion with W. How you have this discussion will be the hard part though. You are going to have to be on your A game. Think about what you want to say and stay on topic. I'd try to keep it short and sweet.
That said, it sounds like you have figured out your W's LL, which is good, but what else are you working on? What else do you not like about your role in the M?
Thanks Stander. Any thoughts on if I just drop my case and tell her if she is still interested in pursing the D that she file her own case?
She might view that as you being controlling/ manipulative and that is often a complaint of WAS's about LBS's, so it might look to her like "more of the same behavior". That's why I suggested talking to her instead. Communicate with her. Let her know her opinion on this is important to you.
