Tori...you are a strong woman. You are given tests and challenges and you continue to rise to the occasion. This is a tough one and I am confident that you will work through the emotions it brings. I believe in you and am holding your hand as you get through it. Like Bright says, be gentle on yourself. ((((((((((Tori))))))))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you so much, BF, Left, and Busting. I'm still in healing mode and as you said, Busting, I'm faced with another test. I think this is definitely what Joe brought about himself through his actions, so he'll have to deal with the consequences.
He said, "We'll see how things go." Then he added, "I have a feeling it's not going to end well." I said, "I do, too." But this is what he'll have to deal with.
He's going to a conference I'm attending on Saturday, and before he dropped the "bomb" I agreed to talk to him after the conference was over to "catch up." Before we hung up, he reminded me we'd talk after the conference, but now I don't want to. I actually feel like getting rid of every item I owe that he gave me or reminds me of him. I'm thinking about emailing him or calling tomorrow and telling him the truth: that I don't want to talk to him on Saturday--or never, but maybe it's best to give an excuse? I want to be authentic--that's one of my personal goals.
I also wonder whether he's going to be a pest, asking me when I'm going to make more money so he can start paying less support. I don't want that kind of pressure. Should I just stop all communication with him?
Here I was, hoping for a restored R and that in a few years he would potentially find someone to settle down with (after we had both healed) or even that once he'd learned his lessons we'd find our way back to each other (yes, I did consider that,) and now I don't want any relationship with him at all. Everything seems to happen too fast...but that's Joe. I feel it's a gift that he actually left me. I think I would've been very unhappy by his side.
What do you guys think about Saturday? Excuse? Truth? Email or call to let him know?
I like that you see his departure as a gift. I'm sure you're right.
I don't think it really matters how you tell him that you don't want to see him. The main thing is that you not see him if that's how you feel. That's being authentic. As for how you present it to him, I think it's secondary at the moment. You're the one that matters so whatever makes you feel more looked after is the way to go.
Big hug, Tori. I don't post much but I'm still reading and always look out for your posts. You're inspiring.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
HI, Tori, (((((((((((((((BIG HUGS, my friend)))))))))))))))!
Take care of you and dont see Joe if you don't feel like it. Agree w Wendylon...it really doesn't matter how you tell him. personally, I would text or email, not call.
Don't be surprised if this new development brings out new feelings for you (it sounds like it already has), b/c it puts a degree of finality on things that wasn't there before for you.
I agree that Joe's departure was definitely a gift...you deserve SO MUCH MORE from a healthy R!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Here I was, hoping for a restored R and that in a few years he would potentially find someone to settle down with (after we had both healed) or even that once he'd learned his lessons we'd find our way back to each other (yes, I did consider that,) and now I don't want any relationship with him at all. Everything seems to happen too fast...but that's Joe. I feel it's a gift that he actually left me. I think I would've been very unhappy by his side.
Tori, that's pretty powerful insight. I've followed you a little bit over the past year and know that you've come a long way. Recognizing that you are happier now is a great step for your future.
I agree with the advice you've been given. Text or email, but be you.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
I would let him deal with his own consequences and not even respond to him. Let him figure out his life at this juncture and let go. He is not in a good place. Seems he even sees this. Just let go.
If being authentic is one of your goals, then truth it is. As Pema suggests, keep your seat, look at all the emotions (which I cannot begin to imagine) filter through and come to the truth.
So as Bug suggests sit with it for a bit.
(((((Tori)))))
Sometimes the gift is that ugly hideous homemade sweater from Aunt Bertha, but it certainly makes us grateful for everything else.
Before we hung up, he reminded me we'd talk after the conference, but now I don't want to. I actually feel like getting rid of every item I owe that he gave me or reminds me of him. I'm thinking about emailing him or calling tomorrow and telling him the truth: that I don't want to talk to him on Saturday--or never, but maybe it's best to give an excuse? I want to be authentic--that's one of my personal goals.
What do you guys think about Saturday? Excuse? Truth? Email or call to let him know?
No Excuse! You'll regret it down the road. But do tell him one way or another. Just say you'd rather not meet up Saturday, and leave it at that. No explanation or reason necessary. But Never Say Never.
Oh, and regarding the items of/from him that you want to get rid of: Pack 'em away in a safe place... but first take one or two items out and burn them. Make a ceremony out of it. Seriously.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Guys, I have no words to thank you. I feel so supported and cared for :-) Love you all. Back56, first time you write on my thread. Thank you.
So, I didn't get much sleep last night...Around 1 AM I emailed Joe. This is what I wrote:
"It seems that my friend and I will be going to the seminar together on Saturday, so there won't really be time to talk. It's best this way, because as much as I don't want this to be the case, what's happening in your life is having a negative emotional impact in me. I need to focus on following my own path, healing, and pursuing my life's calling.
So, I'll send you love and wisdom and wish you the best as you handle this phase in your life. Always be true to yourself."
He replied "Tori, I understand."
It's true I was going with my friend, so I didn't lie. Part of me actually wants to skip this seminar, but I won't.
The weird thing is that even though I slept only 2 hrs, I feel energized. Like I've been freed. Isn't that weird? I feel like I can finally let go or Joe and his reckless life/behavior. I'm sure I'll hear from him again as he becomes more strained financially and wants me to make more money, but I'll deal w it when it happens.
About the stuff? FY, I don't think I'll pack it. The burning idea wouldn't work with stuffed animals (too dangerous!) I think I'll just donate everything that reminds me of him. It's over. What happened needed to happen so I could help others, write my book, blog, etc. I'm finally being true to who I am!
We'll see how long this "high" lasts. For now, I'll enjoy the good feelings and let all the toxicity go--with love.
sit with it for a bit.