Well, I feel it is time to start a new thread once again!
After having started down the LRT-path I got my head straightened by caring people in here. I now do believe that I am ready to depart and capable of keeping myself on this path.
I will from here on have to trust my own judgment that by now consist of the new me, my beliefs, boundaries and values combined with some hard DBing by GAL, PMA and withdrawal.
My mind is still full of my lost family so I do feel some of this DBing is acting, but I will just fake it till I make it – it’s as simple as that and even almost half a year into sitch this still applies.
TIME & JOYFULL TIMES WILL BE MY BUDDIES!
I am extremely grateful for the advice, help and caring I meet in this forum and I do hope that somewhere in the future I will have the skills and time to repay this by advising other people who find themselves in this unfortunate situation.
@LTH I left you a post in the old thread ( HERE) but forgot this question.
Originally Posted By: LTH
F, can you video chat?
Yes and we do Skype with video – when the Ds are up for it!
@HWA
Originally Posted By: HWA
Wow F, that is a whole lot of kid stuff time. I really don't have much of an answer. Have you/ could you discuss this with the kids altogether and see what they have to say?
I have been thinking about doing this for some time but since I am not totally leveled out yet and still confused about my own opinion – I will wait! Children are still so young that they need my guidance and strength to pull through this. I can’t show them these when I am not yet sure about how to handle this. …but this will have to be done – especially with S10.
I need to sort out this and make a schedule of some kind.
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
You really are starting on a new path on your journey and I think you are well prepared (thanks to Sandi2!!). You have grown so much in the last 6 months. I understand your feelings on the kids schedules, it is really hard sometimes and I understand why you feel the need to keep some family time open.
I am really praying for you that things work out the way you want them to.
Quote:
One question: Was is you writing about how your happy posting on FB tricked something in your H. I did post 2 things on FB yesterday and got a lot of likes and comments. I have never done this before but I am thinking about being more active on FB but this seems to go opposite of all I read in here.
All the best!
That wasn't me but I do remember that. With the place you are in right now, some 'life is great' pics/posts may be beneficial, just don't overdo it!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Are you talking about the three children going to birthday parties of their classmates?
Indeed I am - culture again I guess It is the norm that children either invite the whole class or children of same gender and with 22 children in each class this gives 66 birthdays a year and then you can add their friends and mine!
When you combine this sports, friends and a lot of time for transportation me and the children will have very little time together - this must be solved but I am not ready for it yet.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
BTW, I totally distrust your XW and W having these little tea parties. I mean, they have one thing in common. You! So, they aren't discussing the weather, and I doubt they discuss what's best for the other one's child.
Has your XW always called about things like this, such as son's homework? You may have to use the LRT on both of them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When you combine this sports, friends and a lot of time for transportation me and the children will have very little time together - this must be solved but I am not ready for it yet.
Seems to me the parent that has the children "the rest of the time", besides two weekends out of the month, should be responsible for transporting them to all these little parties.
I don't know what you'll do when they get a little older. Maybe by then you will be so wore down you will be ready to solve it. Youngest is 4 .......oh, you've got a lot of car time coming.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
….and with these words I welcome you to the jungle
Originally Posted By: Sandi
BTW, I totally distrust your XW and W having these little tea parties. I mean, they have one thing in common. You! So, they aren't discussing the weather, and I doubt they discuss what's best for the other one's child.
In fact I know without a doubt that they do discuss children a lot and off course I am almost as certain that they discuss me! What I don’t get in all of this is XW1 behavior towards me. W has referred some of their convos. I don’t know how much they talk – I don’t ask and I don’t care since it is way off my control-circle.
Originally Posted By: Sandi
Has your XW always called about things like this, such as son's homework? You may have to use the LRT on both of them.
We have been co-parenting quite well for a loooong time and yes, she would have called about things like this for a long time. But skiing, inviting herself here to see how S10 room looks after house-makeover, calling more often, talking more, harder to get rid of and so on makes my head spin. But then again I wouldn’t have put anything into this before BD. Could be that she is just nice and pleasant because I give her no reason to be otherwise. As a bonusinfo I can tell you that W never liked XW1 that much.
Originally Posted By: Sandi
Seems to me the parent that has the children "the rest of the time", besides two weekends out of the month, should be responsible for transporting them to all these little parties.
Seems to me that they won’t be able to attend them all! I want to prioritize family and friend time and that simply won’t work on this schedule. XW1 has infact offered to pick up S10 and take him to soccer when he is here. She has done this once or twice during the last 5-6 years and twice during the last month or less. I understand and to some level agrees with you.
Originally Posted By: Sandi
I don't know what you'll do when they get a little older. Maybe by then you will be so wore down you will be ready to solve it. Youngest is 4 .......oh, you've got a lot of car time coming.
Oh, I will be ready much sooner than this – I guess in a few weeks or a month. I just need to get totally hold on myself and my arguments before I confront W about this! There still will be a lot of car time but I will reduce this. I just don’t want to come out as a jerk so before I tell W that I will reduce birthdays, sports, GS and so on - I want to be prepared!! You know me by now That’s all I meant by "Not ready yet"
It might even turn out that the kids solve this by themselves. I asked S10 yesterday if he wanted to play a soccer-tournament on Saturday or go to a small indoor waterpark (we do that quite often. It more like three swimming pools with a few slides. We have been there 4-5 times during the summer.) with me and D4 while D6 was at a birthday. He skipped soccer immediately and without any doubts. XW1 didn’t like this but his choice and I didn’t guide him AT ALL. Today I asked D6 if she wanted to go to birthday or waterpark – same response! Since she just started school and new class I persuaded her to attend the birthday afterwards.
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
The Ds are sleeping upstairs. I simply can’t put words on the joy and happiness I felt seeing and hugging them again.
I picked them up and we took D6 to GS. Important day since she got her first shirt and mark. While she was there D4 and I went and bought me a bike. I didn’t have one and I want to take them biking.
TWO INTERACTIONS WITH W TODAY: I called this morning since I felt bad about my stupid behavior towards D6 yesterday. I wanted to apologize and make sure she was alright – she was! D4 and I talked for a while. Then W and I talked for 30 seconds about me picking up bags and so.
The second interaction was when I picked up the bags. As agreed I knocked on her and door and she was home. I did hope she wouldn’t be. We exchanged hi and she told that the girls were looking forward. I told her that this was mutual. Then we got the bags and I put them in my car and took a step towards the drivers seat. At the same time she took a step towards me to get a goodbye hug.
W said something like: OK, then – goodbye! (Her tone of voice said it all! She was wondering or something why I didn’t give her a hug. She was not pleased.) I gave her a somewhat stiffened hug – not on purpose – that’s just how it went. She then said: “It’s so artificial” and I replied “Is it?”. I didn’t know what else to say and this proves that trying to prepare the words for these interactions is a waste of time. (I will still work the why can’t we do family-time!!) Then we said goodbye and she waved me off with a smile. It was a very strange conversation and interaction that I don’t recall in details. I wasn’t acting jerkish IMO but I was withdrawn and in a hurry to get to the Ds.
Unless something out of normal happens I won’t see D in person for at least two weeks now.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
The birthday party circuit brings back memories! You can't say yes to every birthday party of every child in three classes. If a kid didn't play at our house sometimes and our kid play at theirs, we did not feel any need to be at their birthday party. The birthday kid son't notice the absence of kids he doesn't play with much anyway. The birthday kids' mom will feel relieved - you know each kid that shows up costs something like $20 for any decent party I hosted (the science experiment one, the bouncy place one, the swimming pool one, party favors, food, it is very expensive) and the poor mom has to invite everyone so no one feels left out. Just say no to most of them.
Friends of mine said no to ALL of them. They had a no birthday party policy. Their kids survived.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
What??? 
It is the norm that children either invite the whole class or children of same gender and with 22 children in each class this gives 66 birthdays a year and then you can add their friends and mine!
