Recap of my Situation: Hubs and I have been married almost 4 years. I got the bomb drop in April, and have been separated for 3 months. At first the separation seemed to be going well. The hubs communicated to me the reasons why he was unhappy. Said he was unhappy because of feeling taken for granted, my temper, and the way I treated him in front of others (he recalls 2 occasions where I said very hurtful things in front of his friends and mother). I have apologized several times for these occations as I know I have a problem with overreacting. Hubs also complained about me not being the best wife, not cleaning, cooking, or doing things for him during our marriage. I lost my job in December and that's when things really took a turn for the worse. I was feeling very depressed and wasn't focusing on our marriage. I was too consumed with my own problems and job situation. He was picking up a lot of the slack around the house. So in April he told me he was unhappy, and we separated in May.
A little bit more background: He is from another country and he found out he had this whole other family from his father's side. He has since visited 3 times in the past year and I haven't gone with him. I felt very left out with the whole situation and he felt I wasn't supporting him. I was supporting him, I was just not felling included in the situation. So, he has become very close to his 2 female cousins who he talked to on a daily basis in another language, so I didn't know what was going on. They also introduced him to a few of their friends who he has started to talk to as well. I have no idea what they talk about and have caught him in a lie about talking to them over the phone. Not sure if he is in an EA, but I don't want to be naive. There is no way for me to find out, since I moved out of the house and don't know what is going on.
Since the separation: Things at first were going pretty well, I was the one initiating all the contact and trying to see him. He was very receptive, we are still being intimate. But he always told me he was unsure. He also told me he was thinking about moving to his home country for a while to get to know his family, but then decided against it. I was trying to keep my distance (even though I hadn't read Divorce Busters yet). We talked every few days to once a week and saw eachother at least once a week. Things are always great when we are together and I can tell he is torn. We still are affectionate and I let him talk a lot and just listen.
Since reading Divorce Remedy, I have been keeping my distance, not asking about the future anymore, not talking about the relationship unless he brings it up, etc. At first I thought it was working because he called me and said hem missed me and was wondering why I hadn't called him. I just I saw him last Sunday, over a week ago before I left on a business trip and he asked me if I missed him. He also told me he was going to move into his friend's place in September since he doesn't want to live in our home anymore (the house we lived in is owned by his mother and we pay the mortgage). He's been wanting to move out of her place for a long time. Before I would plead with him and tell him I didn't want him to move, but this time I told him to let me know when to move the rest of my things out of the house in a very calm and nice way! He also initiated relationship talk and asked me if I regretted not dating anyone else but him during college and if I would change anything. He also asked me about our wedding and if I regretted getting married. I told him of course I didn't regret it. And then I asked him how he felt and he said he would never regret the happiest days of his life! UGH
I guess what I am trying to figure out is what to do next. Since last Sunday I haven't called him, but he also hasn't called me. Do I keep my distance and not initiate contact, or since I had success with it in the past, do I initiate? I feel like we are moving in the opposite direction. Or is he trying to test me by saying those things?
FYI: My work ending up hiring me for a promotion and have been traveling quite a bit for training and got a raise and company car.
It seems that you both would benefit from talking to a DB coach, so that you can have a plan on how to go forward so that you both are getting your needs met...it would be easy to let things ride and just continue seeing each other when convenient (since you are so busy with a new job...congrats on that!). If he isn't willing to talk to someone, you could do it on your own, so that you are communicating with him in a way that would bring him closer and not push him any further away. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Isn't that considered pursuing behavior if I'm asking him to talk to a coach? I have a DB coach that I've talked to twice with great advice. Do you think I should initiate contact with him and ask for him to talk to a coach with me? I've initiated most of the contact during the separation.
