Separated, D filed, possible emotional affair

[JayMan]

@Planet - I am going to remain dark unless absolutely necessary.

@labug - mostly because W never answers her phone; even if it's important, she'll tell me "It's a phone, not a leash." However, I typically answer on every call and am real available. She texted me the other day asking about what kind of cable modem to get for her new apartment - so I'm good enough to contact when something is needed. So I decided to do the same.
Her point is probably valid in that she should have access if I have D10 - but leave a text or a vm.

And I'm sick of the "my" kids game. Yes, legally, they are hers, but I have raised them, they call me Dad, I have been with them non-stop for 3 years. She only does this when she's mad - previously she has told them I'm more their father because I have raised them.

I probably should apologize for the non-answering. W will see it as controlling, but it's stupid. I would only apologize not to give her an excuse to say something.

[MagicJack]

I wouldn't apologize for anything yet. It will look like weakness.

I started NC with my W two weeks ago. It's probably not total NC but she told me a few weeks ago when she announced the D to me that she did not want to discuss the M at all, and only wanted to discuss the D process. I messed up a little within the first few days, but for the past week I basically got the hang of it. I haven't reached out to her in any way since last Tuesday when I told her what my COBRA was going to cost her and she might want to check out other options.

She actually texted me out of the blue on Wednesday something related to assigning blame for the destruction of our marriage, and I was extremely tempted to respond and get into it with her but a friend I was with who I trust told me silence sends a very strong message. I didn't respond at all and Thursday morning she called my cell phone and I didn't pick up and then she called my work phone just to ramble at me about something that was not important at all and I acted busy and had to go.

Since you have kids I think you should answer when she calls, but you can conduct yourself on the phone in such a way where you don't pick up as if you were waiting for it to ring, you sound happy and unconcerned with the ongoing situation, and you are ending the call first since you have things to do. For texting if it's not related to the kids you can delay answering or not answer, whatever.

[JayMan]

I am torn on the apology - between a 180 and remaining dark. A 180 for me would be to apologize and explain, when normally I would ignore and roll my eyes - because it's pretty dumb.

I really am pushing the dark though. W is gonna have to make a move at some point, so now it's all on her.

[JayMan]

Well, W has gone full circle now. She texted me asking if D13 could watch the other three while she went to a cookout, and I said no. I said it wasn't fair to keep them guessing while we wait for her decisions. W said she had decided, and chose divorce. So, I said, well that's definitely a no - I'm not going to keep getting their hopes up, and causing confusion. I said once the divorce was settled and things were maybe figured out, I'd reconsider.

She started pitching a fit saying that it was my choice to not let them see each other, and I simply replied, 'Who's choosing to end our family?"

She then spewed for awhile, so I called her (no more texting!). She didn't answer, so I left VM and told her I wasn't upset, and I loved the step-kids very much, but her choices were her choices.

I reminded her that I had agreed to sign the divorce, and I wasn't fighting her anymore, so all decisions were in her hands. I told her I needed to move on to a new chapter in life, and wished her the best.

I feel good. At peace, ready to let go. I'm sure I'll have rough moments/days ahead, but I know they'll be blips in the road instead of being the road itself.

It's a good day.

[JayMan]

Also, D13 is traumatized. She has been messaging W on Facebook, and W says all this stuff like "it's my fault too" but D13 has begged her to just TALK to me, and W just gets mealy-mouthed and says D13 just isn't old enough to understand.

I'm so pissed off that the kids are going through this. I left W a vm and told her that she is getting her new man, freedom, divorce, a new life, and to leave us alone. D13 is forbidden to contact her again.

Maybe I shouldn't have called, but I'm disgusted and fed up.

[JayMan]

OK, back to dark! W can have her divorce, doesn't matter to me anymore!

[labug]

If anyone, anyone had my 10 year old child and didn't answer their phone, I would be concerned.

If I found out that they weren't answering out of spite, they would never have my child on their own again. Don't use children to get a point across.

D13 isn't old enough to understand.

[MagicJack]

JonF its funny that your timeline is similar to mine. She may have said she wants divorce, but wait until you actually get paperwork from her. If you give her space and don't offend her or anything she may wind up reconsidering.

[JayMan]

@MagicJack - I already got paperwork, but she is reconsidering.

@Labug/gabbysmom- I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm her father. Step father, sure, but I have raised her every day for over 3 years, she calls me Dad. I have spent way more time with her than W has because W usually used to spend 12-14 hours a day sitting in bed watching TV or on her phone. I understand I have no legal claim.

W knew what was going on, she knew I had her, knew where I was going, and she started blowing up my phone after I had driven about 200 feet. How did she know I just didn't have my phone in my pocket or something? My point was that if I dare miss a call or text, she will send it like 20 times, or call and call and call. If I send a text or leave a VM, it may be two days later before its responded to, if at all. Yeah, I probably was being a little vindictive. I apologized to W for the confusion, and she was actually very nice, she even came down later on.

So NEW story: My two kids and I had been talking about going to a new church that had a better program for pre-teens/teens because our church has nothing. D10 told D13 that W and them hadn't been going to church, so we were going to go to a new church that W and I had tried out a few months ago. W texted me getting all mad saying that it was her new home church, and now she'd have to go find a new church. (Side note: W admits that God has told her not to get divorced, but she ignores it, and still goes to church. Sigh)

So, I just was nice, said fine, we'd stay at our church, I simply was interested in getting something better for the kids. W texted me later and said she didn't know what was going on, and was sorry for being nasty about the church thing.

W: "Maybe I'll feel different about you going there after awhile"
Me: "After the divorce you mean?"
W: "Not necessarily. But I don't know."
Me: "I understand. I assume you're as confused about this week as I am."
W: "Yes."

So I just left it at that. S11 invited D10/S5 to a horse parade downtown today so we'll see what happens.

[labug]

Jon, my point is that you knowingly didn't answer the phone when you had her kids. You did it it would seem to teach her a lesson. You're not here to fix her, I would assume like most of us you're here to improve yourself and maybe save your marriage.

Is she not responding to you when she has your children?

You can defend all you want but it doesn't change the behavior.

Stop keeping score.