Starsky309 For two days I have been thinking nonstop about the question you posted above. Frustratingly so, I have not come up with any answers or a plan. I am having a very hard time concentrating on the work I need to complete while on the business trip that I am on and it is slowing my return home. At the same time I am very uneasy, unsure, and nervous about going home. While here I do not see my wife texting the OM. I hear far fewer lies about why she has to leave early or why she has to work late. And it is much easier to follow the rules. Communication has been limited to text messages all initiated by her and one phone call yesterday that she made to me. She has been very pleasant telling me she misses me and thinking about me but that is as deep as it has gotten. I can't stop thinking about how to "be" when I get home. And I can't stop thinking about your recommendation to set boundaries. I bought the boundaries book the same day you recommended it but I'm only on the second chapter. I have already gotten some useful information out of the book but I am yet to comprehend how to set boundaries in my situation. I will keep reading.
I have not gotten any feedback so far as to how to act at home or even now while I am away. Rule 19. "No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment." How can I be Happy and show happiness to my wife while she admits to having an affair and that she "can not end it"? She is able to be happy and nice to me and she warms up when we are together and then it is like nothing happened or nothing is happening. We hold hands, get close and more. I feel like this in enabling her. I feel like I am acting like it is ok for her to have an affair because I will be happy and nice when she is home and when she is home she will be in a comfortable environment with no pressure to leave the OM. It is all so confusing.
In regard to a plan this is all I have so far: "I will not accept her affair in any way but at the same time I will not give up on our marriage, our family, our daughter or her."
My only ideas about going home are to split our sleeping arraignment and ask her to move into our guest room. I worry about how this will be interpreted by my daughter. Also, if I am supposed to be making my wife happy right now I worry about how she will take this suggestion.
25yearsmlc, if you are still out there please let me know your thoughts.
M-44 W-33 Daughter 7 M-9 D-Day 1 (06/08/2013) texts found D-Day 2 (07/10/2013) more texts found
Starsky309 For two days I have been thinking nonstop about the question you posted above. Frustratingly so, I have not come up with any answers or a plan. I am having a very hard time concentrating on the work I need to complete while on the business trip that I am on and it is slowing my return home. At the same time I am very uneasy, unsure, and nervous about going home.
*****SW, you will Not survive this if you cannot learn to stay in the present, even if only for hours at a time. For one thing, you could lose your job, which will make everything else worse.
So you MUST learn to turn this marriage over to God, just to function, for one day at a time. That might begin with an hour at a time, consciously telling yourself you can be upset, LATER. But there are times you must compartmentalize...just to function.
I used to think that mantra, say it out loud (usually in the shower so I didn't sound nuts), and I found that thinking it, verbalizing it and hearing myself saying it, all helped it sink in.
I'd turn my pain, my anger and my marriage over to Him. Then when h would call, I'd be far less likely to escalate. I just felt calmer and in time, my faith also grew.******
While here I do not see my wife texting the OM. I hear far fewer lies about why she has to leave early or why she has to work late. And it is much easier to follow the rules. Communication has been limited to text messages all initiated by her and one phone call yesterday that she made to me. She has been very pleasant telling me she misses me and thinking about me but that is as deep as it has gotten.
*****^^^ These are positives, and I would NOT expect more at this point in time, especially with you gone away. Do not negate the positives.****
I can't stop thinking about how to "be" when I get home. And I can't stop thinking about your recommendation to set boundaries. I bought the boundaries book the same day you recommended it but I'm only on the second chapter. I have already gotten some useful information out of the book but I am yet to comprehend how to set boundaries in my situation. I will keep reading.
I have not gotten any feedback so far as to how to act at home or even now while I am away. Rule 19. "No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment." How can I be Happy and show happiness to my wife while she admits to having an affair and that she "can not end it"?
*****I took the liberty of adding a few "rules" to the original 37 assembled by Sandi. One of them is to realize that
"Showing your spouse your pain & misery, does NOT ATTRACT them to you more. "
It's Not a symbol or proof of your love, just as your positive attitude does not indicate less concern. No one is suggesting an over the top happy face. But a grumpy critical or self pitying approach will harm your cause.
We are suggesting an attitude of quiet confidence, because though you take this threat to your m very seriously, & you are aware of your role, you also KNOW you are changing and becoming a better man & h & father, for which you are grateful.
And you know the changes are real & permanent, and that in the end, you will be fine, no matter what happens.
Make sense? .
She is able to be happy and nice to me and she warms up when we are together and then it is like nothing happened or nothing is happening. We hold hands, get close and more.
****^^These are positives. Welcome them, without expecting or requesting more...or showing a crestfallen face when you don't get more.
I think she WANTS to be in love (don't we all?), but she wants YOU to be the target of that love. Respect is a crucial ingredient of love.
FWIW, I don't believe respect is Only needed for a husband. Wives need respect to feel loved, and husbands need to respect their w's to truly love them as well.****
But I don't see an actual question here^^^, so I'll move on.
I feel like this in enabling her. I feel like I am acting like it is ok for her to have an affair because I will be happy and nice when she is home and when she is home she will be in a comfortable environment with no pressure to leave the OM. It is all so confusing.
****Read the entire Boundaries book & some questions will be answered. But you are implying that the only way not to "enable" her is what? To whine? To PUNISH???
She KNOWS it's Not okay with you for her to cheat.
A lot of LBSers want to REACT in some negative way and they tell themselves if they don't "do something", (which is invariably not a positive loving thing)
they must be enabling. I think it CAN be an excuse to lash out, while telling yourself you did not want to "enable" HER behavior.
First, why all the focus on HER and not on Your personal work? What's new in YOUR behaviors? Remember your biggest task in this ordeal, is not changing HER, but YOU.
Second, Don't kid yourself that being pleasant means she thinks you want an open M.
Many anger filled actions are rationalized this way.
In regard to a plan this is all I have so far: "I will not accept her affair in any way but at the same time I will not give up on our marriage, our family, our daughter or her."
****You tell yourself this.^^^^
My only ideas about going home are to split our sleeping arraignment and ask her to move into our guest room. I worry about how this will be interpreted by my daughter.
****I am NOT a fan of spouses leaving the marital bed. It smacks of punishment, or vengeance, or pouting. You do not Have to ML because you are in the same bed. But the marital bed is where words in the dark are spoken, fears shared, love expressed...
My DB coach stressed this to me, a lot. It's a very personal intimate issue no one else can decide for you (including Starsky and or, me).
But for me & my h, in our m, intimacy had been a strength. My h's LL is definitely touch.
For ME & OUR M, I felt denying any & all intimacy, would Not help us at all.
What WASs come home to the great sex they NEVER had?
My DB coach said "a lot depends on how you feel after. Closer?. Or used? "
Regardless, if you do end up in different bedrooms, your child may not notice at all. If she does, you can say one of you has back pain, or snores too much, and the other spouse needed their sleep.
I don't see a need for details there. Protect your d.
At this point you don't know what's going to happen, so I see no problem with explaining it away If needed.
Also, if I am supposed to be making my wife happy right now I worry about how she will take this suggestion.
25yearsmlc, if you are still out there please let me know your thoughts.
I doubt she will welcome an empty bed, or see anything but punishment as a motive.
IF you were telling me that YOU cannot share a bed with her without YOU feeling sad or too hurt, then the boundary would possibly mean you leave the bed.
Otherwise you are making the judgment that it must be Her who leaves, because she had an affair. This will mean you have measured the wrongs (keeping a record of wrongs is Not scriptural and moreover, on HER scorecard if she has one, She is way ahead of you.)
Remember, always, that she felt justified and possibly pushed into the arms of OM, by Your behavior, over the years.
If you want to keep score, which I advise against, then measure the number of years she tolerated your hurtful behaviors, against the weeks or months of her A.
Are you really "winning" this?
By you telling her that SHE must leave the bed...means you judge her to be more wrong and you are "more right".
I am sure you can tell I do Not abide by that approach. Starsky may argue differently.
but it is a very private & personal matter.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your wife will always feel drawn to you IF she sees you as a good father. Make sure that you do your best at that job, NOW and from this day forward.
Second, she will ONLY RETURN to the marriage, fully,
IF and when she believes that Marriage to You,
Can be better/different than before.
Your priority is Showing her it can be, which all begins with Changes in You.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Starsky309 For two days I have been thinking nonstop about the question you posted above. Frustratingly so, I have not come up with any answers or a plan.
HINT: (and not to be morbid, but many posters report that this really works for them) -- What would your plan . . . your LIFE . . . look like if your wife suddenly passed away? What would your goals be? What parts of YOU would you want to work on, and how would you go about it?
25 is right -- your entire focus is on YOUR WIFE, instead of on YOU, where it needs to be. This also goes to your "How to act?" question, because if you are truly working on YOU, then your positive attitude will be an honest reflection of YOU and the changes you are making in your life. You want to convey a sense of "Hey, this is NOT something I wanted, and I'm CERTAINLY not willing to live in an open marriage nor do I condone your affair in any way. But to be honest, it's forced me to address some things in myself and in my own life, and honestly I feel pretty good about me these days. Not sure where all this will lead, or what's going to happen to our marriage, but I now realize that I'm going to be okay."
You can't FAKE that . . . you have to honestly get to that place. But you can START it, and doing your own "work on you" will help you get to where you're fully living that attitude in front of your wife every day. And as the women will tell you, THAT is damned attractive.
I have not gotten any feedback so far as to how to act at home or even now while I am away. Rule 19. "No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment." How can I be Happy and show happiness to my wife while she admits to having an affair and that she "can not end it"?
You show contentment about YOURSELF and YOUR OWN LIFE . . . NOT with her current infidelity and behavior.
If you cannot distinguish between the two, then you are enmeshed with her and co-dependent (good book: "Co-Dependent No More") . . . it's tough. I'm very co-dependent by nature as well. It's the whole "If I do/say that, how will that make her react? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?" . . . instead of one of DOING THE RIGHT THING, regardless of how she reacts to it. Doing the thing that God Himself would have you do, if He were standing right in front of you, and let her reaction be what it will be and understanding that that part of it is NOT your responsibility.
Your goal right now is not to please your wife, nor SHOW her, anything. It's to work on YOU, and to please yourself and God, by working on your own issues and becoming the man that YOU realize you need to be. It's the double-bonus of DB'ing that that is also the best chance you have to re-attract your wife, but you have to also realize that there are no guarantees, and you may just be making these improvements so that you don't duplicate the same mistakes in your next relationship(s).
Another, shorter way to look at the healthy, un-enmeshed marital life is:
Your wife should be the FROSTING . . . not the CAKE ITSELF. "I WANT you in my life, to add love and zest and passion to my own goals and passions, but I don't NEED you (or anyone else) to be happy."
That's not easy, and it's a journey I'm still trying to learn to walk, but that's sort of the idea. "Needy" isn't attractive in a man OR a woman, but it's especially not attractive in a man.
