Blindsided Part 2

[chl0901]

My previous thread has been locked for some reason (too long?), so I've started this new one. Here's the link to my old thread (I hope this works right):

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...580#Post2361580

[chl0901]

From lovethehub on my last thread:

"You are doing fantastic, keep it up. Take the night with your H, the text and the lunch and enjoy them but do not let it trip you up. He will go back and forth between what he wants because he really doesn't know. I know it isn't fair to you but it's true. Like a couple of people said, when I was cheating I wished that my H would cheat so he couldn't be mad at me for doing it.

In regards to my post a week or so ago about detaching, where you said you were afraid it would mess things up, it won't. And you are actually doing a great job at it for someone so new to this. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it just means you refuse to let their actions get to you and dictate your behavior. You are doing this each time you let him be and don't take on his bad mood, by not mentioning OW,etc..

Keep up the great DBing!"

Thank you, lovethehub! I am really trying to give my all and not get discouraged or my hopes up with the day-to-day differences in H's moods and actions. I'm continuing to try and progress with detaching, by not only not reacting to H's bad moods, etc., but not letting them affect my mood. I think I'm getting that right?

[chl0901]

Also, I haven't snooped so I don't know how often H is talking to or seeing OW. I still not and am not planning on bringing her up to him, but guess I am just wondering where they stand since that affects where we stand. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing now?

[MileHigh]

I've slooooowly learned that snooping doesn't help, and only hurts more. :-( They really need that space/time, much as it hurts to give it. It's often said around here (and from DB/DR books), that this time is a gift. It doesn't seem like it, but if we didn't have it, we'd just keep doing the same things that don't work (going down cheeseless tunnels, as MWD says).

Stay the course, and be consistent in the DBing. I looked through your previous post and I think you were getting DB? It's good, but I think The Divorce Remedy is much better written and organized. I would definitively read it, too if you can. Looks like you got the most important step going, by pulling back, detaching - doing that 180, since trying to initiate too much wasn't working.

[chl0901]

Hi MileHigh, thanks for stopping by! I've read DB and just got DR in and will start reading it this week. I've been doing my 180s and GALs, and have seen some small improvements in H and my interactions since I started in the end of June. I snooped about a month ago, and saw how much H and OW were talking, meeting up for lunch, day dates, etc. which really upset me and consumed my thoughts most of the time. Since I stopped snooping (after that), I am doing a lot better as far as not being overwhelmed with jealousy and thoughts of OW and my H, but I think I may be back in denial a little bit about them. I guess I'm just afraid that if I never bring it up and H and I keep moving along and get past this, that he will think it's okay to do this again (EA or PA) in the future since there have been no consequences this time. However, I also know that if I confront him, etc., he will most likely deny and lie and that will set us way back so I don't want to do that either.

[chl0901]

*When I say "get past this," I am talking about the BD which he said was because he was unhappy because he is physically unattracted to me. I have been working out and eating better since then, and it is noticeable that I am looking better (nothing drastic - doing it the healthy/right way). Hoping for even more noticeable results (like a size or two down in clothing) over the next few months.

I understand that the attraction thing most likely wasn't H's only reason for being unhappy with me, but I also think a lot of things I've 180ed that were adding up. I am less nagging now, don't ask questions on whereabouts, etc. which I think has also helped.

[RealityTrip]

I think I may be back in denial a little bit about them. I guess I'm just afraid that if I never bring it up and H and I keep moving along and get past this, that he will think it's okay to do this again (EA or PA) in the future since there have been no consequences this time. However, I also know that if I confront him, etc., he will most likely deny and lie and that will set us way back so I don't want to do that either.

I can't remember... are you in counseling or using a DB coach? Sooner or later you and H will have to address these issues but not until you are BOTH ready. Otherwise you are spinning your wheels and making a bad situtation worse. I know it stinks and I know sometimes you just HAVE to know and WANT to know and you may even want to use Ruby's Whack-A-Spouse game... and it's soooo not fair being on this side of it! But you are doing an amazing job and if you can keep your cool, follow the DB principle's of everything "counter-intuitive" you'll get there! Fingers crossed!... and if you don't, you'll still look better, feel better, be stronger... and that's what really matters!

So I asked about a counselor/therapist or DB coach because maybe they can help you with the feelings or urges to expose... or even tell you if you should? Or Should not!

[AnotherStander]

I've been doing my 180s and GALs, and have seen some small improvements in H and my interactions since I started in the end of June.

Good job on the 180's and GAL, but it's way too soon to expect an improvement in your sitch. You've got to dig down and find patience like you've never had before! It takes many months of doing 180's before a WAS starts to believe the changes may be real, and it may be many more months (if ever) before they respond to those changes. Do it for you, because if you're doing it expecting a quick change in your H then you won't be able to sustain it.

I snooped about a month ago, and saw how much H and OW were talking, meeting up for lunch, day dates, etc. which really upset me and consumed my thoughts most of the time. Since I stopped snooping (after that), I am doing a lot better as far as not being overwhelmed with jealousy and thoughts of OW and my H

It sounds like a very active EA. Some people get consumed with needing to know if it's a PA, but frankly an EA is just as damaging as a PA. Sometimes it's even more damaging, because it feeds a fantasy that a PA cannot. I guess the point I'm making is you don't need to snoop, you already know he's actively involved in an EA and that is as bad as it gets.

I guess I'm just afraid that if I never bring it up and H and I keep moving along and get past this, that he will think it's okay to do this again (EA or PA) in the future since there have been no consequences this time.

That's where boundaries come in. If and when you reconcile, you make it clear to him that he must honor your boundaries for R to happen. Examples of boundaries are things like discontinuing all contact with OP, must call or send a message to OP telling them it's over with you as a witness, must give you full access to phone and email in the future, must agree to attend MC, etc. Boundaries must also have consequences, you have to establish what the penalty is if he doesn't comply with the boundary.

Please note that if your H is a WAH and is one foot out the door, you're not in a position to set boundaries like the above, it'll just drive him away. These are for the time when he expresses interest in reconciling should that happen.

[chl0901]

I can't remember... are you in counseling or using a DB coach?

Hi, RT! I am not in IC or using a DB coach at this time. I have been considering calling for more info on DB coaching sessions, but will need to figure out a way to pay because I don't want my H to know (all of our accounts are linked).

Good job on the 180's and GAL, but it's way too soon to expect an improvement in your sitch. You've got to dig down and find patience like you've never had before! It takes many months of doing 180's before a WAS starts to believe the changes may be real, and it may be many more months (if ever) before they respond to those changes. Do it for you, because if you're doing it expecting a quick change in your H then you won't be able to sustain it.

Hi, AS! I guess I should have clarified that I meant we are much less snappy with each other in our daily interactions and I now ignore/do not battle his bad moods which I believe helps him get over them sooner. As far as our M, I know that will take a lot of time to evolve into a "new" M (which is what I am hoping for eventually).

I'm really committed to my 180s and GALs being permanent, so H will see this is the "new" me (a W that only a FOOL would leave)!

That's where boundaries come in. If and when you reconcile, you make it clear to him that he must honor your boundaries for R to happen. Examples of boundaries are things like discontinuing all contact with OP, must call or send a message to OP telling them it's over with you as a witness, must give you full access to phone and email in the future, must agree to attend MC, etc. Boundaries must also have consequences, you have to establish what the penalty is if he doesn't comply with the boundary.

Please note that if your H is a WAH and is one foot out the door, you're not in a position to set boundaries like the above, it'll just drive him away. These are for the time when he expresses interest in reconciling should that happen.

Yes, I do not feel comfortable setting any boundaries at this time, because I feel that would push my H away and he would also deny, deny, deny. I guess I am just hoping deep down that his whatever relationship with OW will fizzle out and things will improve with us to the point where he doesn't feel the need to stray or have inappropriate relationships like this again.

[chl0901]

So, before BD H and I would ML 1-2 times a week like clockwork. For about a month after BD (July), it slowed to 1 time a week (if that). For the past few weeks, he has been initiating much more (like 4 times a week, which is more than since we were teenagers!). He has been taking the medicine he was prescribed for low testosterone so that probably has something to do with the increase, but I'm also hoping he is starting to feel more attracted to me again? I just mean with my getting into better shape (still a work in progress) and I'm probably more pleasant to be around in general now that I'm not nagging and "annoying" H as much.

I know my sitch is still really young, so I'm not having any great expectations from this change, but it is noticeable and have been thinking about if it means anything.