Hi rH! It went very well. I got home yesterday and w was gone already. One of her good old friends pulled in behind me before I turned my car off. Her daughter and my boys were gone to the movies with a babysitter. So, she proceeds to tell me how honorable my actions are, how everyone sees what's going on, etc, etc. It was nice to hear. She wants to confront w but I advised her not too.
When she left I took the boys to bible school and ate supper at the church. Two other friends of w sat with me. One is the most decent, honest, moral person I know. Her and w are very close in a more aunt/niece type way. Or maybe a sister way. Anyway, she found her chance and said "she hasn't said anything to me or even acknowledged what's going on." I laughed and just said she won't but continue to be a good friend to her. Told her I was not giving up, and dropped it. She smiled and teared up so I knew what she felt. Several people asked where w was and I simply responded "I don't know." I'm not covering or making excuses anymore (thank you Bklyn and al-anon).
After supper I had a soccer coaches meeting for two hours, got back just in time to pick the boys up, then came home for the bath/bed routine. GALd with a bowl of ice cream, slept like a baby.
This morning w texted to ask how everything went, ask about my plans for the day etc. I'm working until lunch, mowing grass, hauling trash, grocery store, swimming and bible school. W is going swimming with us so, according to her, she can beat me in tanning. I didn't know it was a competition but ok. I'm very competitive so at the risk of getting skin cancer, I intend to stomp a mudhole in her butt. She then reminded me that next weekend is her four day trip to the beach. Fine by me.
One other oddity. My brother called me while I was out of town. Said w was texting with his wife all day about one of my female cousins, and that w also started following him and his daughters on Instagram. We had a good laugh about it.
So, I'm doing really well today.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
At bible school tonight w and I each got confronted. Mine with support hers I'm not sure about. I don't think it went well based on the fact she came running in to where I was helping and announced she was leaving I needed to come on. All she said was "persons name" kept getting in her face about us. I just nodded and said oh, that's not good. I am tickled though. I'm standing back and watching.
It was a nice day otherwise. Fun family afternoon at the pool.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Another good day. W texted me early about my fathers MLB bday present. She wants to get jerseys and hats for everyone. I played along but she seems excited.
Later she texts that we should do something this evening "to make a family memory before school starts." She had a mtg to attend and left it up to me. I decided to take the family to a small lake in the mtns for swimming, and a picnic by roasting hot dogs and marshmellows (s'mores). I had it all ready when she texted me to ask. I told her to put her bathing suit on and we'd pick her up.
It was great. This lake is so small there were only four other people there, and only us by the time we left. There is only one picnic table on the whole lake, and we got it and the platform dock. The boys swam while I got the fire going. W didn't wear a bathing suit so she watched and played on her phone (oh well). We had our picnic and lots of laughs. Afterwards it was time to swim again. The platform dock is 12-15 feet in the air. Instead of wading into the water I decided to do a can opener off the dock. The boys were beyond tickled and immediately ran up to do it too. It took some coercing but eventually they did (just straight in for them). They were so proud of jumping from that high and we all continued jumping off the rest of the time. W took videos of us all. She commented later that she regretted not being able to jump in and swim with us, but would next time.
After swimming we roasted our marshmellows for s'mores, packed up, and got home by dark. The boys really enjoyed it and so did I. W had fun but somehow had one bar for cell coverage and that was all she needed.
I miss her and still hurt to think about what she's doing and wants to do to us. I can't imagine why she wants family memories when her intent is to destroy the family. She's going to have to really be sick to walk away from what we have. Days like today can only help my case.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Mm, that sounds like such a lovely day! As much as it hurts that she has some disconnect with you, she still obviously positively identifies with the family and even goes along on these outings. It's a good situation for now -- creating some happy memories for everyone.
I think you are on the right path! Keep up the good work
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Mm, that sounds like such a lovely day! As much as it hurts that she has some disconnect with you, she still obviously positively identifies with the family and even goes along on these outings. It's a good situation for now -- creating some happy memories for everyone.
I think you are on the right path! Keep up the good work
It does sound like a lovely day. And no kidding about the hurt. H came with me on Friday when I picked S13 up from camp. He knows I'm on vacation this coming week and was asking about our plans. As we drove past the amusement park S13 has on his list of places to go this week, H suddenly asked if we would do that on the weekend as he'd like to come along if that was ok. S13 was thrilled so its off to the amusement park today.
I know it's going to be hard for S13 tonight when we drop his Dad off somewhere other than home. He's said more than once that he likes his old Dad better than the way he is now. Boy, was it hard telling him that it might never happen but that he should still love his Dad. I can only imagine what the kid is going through. The spouses never think about the effect they're having on the kids, do they?
I guess we're doing the right thing by keeping up the family activities but I sure hate having to pick up the pieces of my son when H leaves to go back to his place.
Both 50 S14 M 16 yrs (his 3rd; my 1st)
ILYBINILWY - 24 Dec 2012 H moved out - 27 Jun 2013 Legally separated - 6 Sep 2013 Closing the door and changing the locks
Thanks rH and NQ! I've done my best to keep things normal for the boys but sometimes question whether or not I'm preventing w from feeling the consequences of her decisions. Maybe I should tell her she's not invited at times.
NQ, I'm at a place where I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive w for the hurt she's caused to our boys. I pray that I can someday.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
NQ, I'm at a place where I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive w for the hurt she's caused to our boys. I pray that I can someday.
Don't even worry about this, Mm! It's a "feelings" thing. Picture W repentant and loving. Pic the old W mixed with a new maturity. Pic W reconnecting with you personally and rediscovering her love for life and the family. Can you really imagine NOT forgiving her? Keeping her in bondage of guilt the rest of her life? Of course not! You're not there yet so don't worry about it. I had all those same feelings yet feelings can change, as we all know.
I got some great advice in the archives as far as inviting spouses to some but not all activities. I'm convinced its crucial to allow the spouse to join in with the family at times, despite the pain to our own hearts.
What you CAN'T see is the agony your spouse is going through. They won't let you see or glimpse it right now. It will blow you away when you see it.
Just keep on doing what your doing. And give yourself lots of self-soothing. You need it.
Just my 2 cents .
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Mtnman, sounds like a nice time at the lake. If you, and your boys, enjoy her company then invite her, but I don't think you should feel compelled to invite her all the time. It's for you. These outings probably lay a good foundation for any future relationship with the W. Who knows?
I stopped trying to get my W to pay more attention to our kids. I no longer intervene in her relationship with my girls. I don't get in the way, they need a mom. But I cannot make her or guilt her into doing things that I think she should be doing. I think we just need to let our MLC W's be what they are.
