Sitch seems to have nosedived ever so slightly and wonder now if I really need to drop the rope. W asked me over to talk about finances. In summary I had been left with 40k marital debt but we had agreed that instead of regular maintenance I would contribute to clothes etc for kids given I would pay off all the debt. I cannot afford to pay regular maintenance but have contributed over the last 12 months.
W is on benefits but managed to land a large 4 bed house (for 2 of them) which her housing benefit does not cover. Basically above her means. The deal was that I would cover the debts and once paid off would pay full maintenance.
Well W after just getting back from a holiday abroad is giving the she cannot afford to eat etc etc. I asked about the house/holiday and her view is she is entitled to this.
I kept with I will continue to buy clothes, have kids etc. For the record I have youngest S every weekend Sat morning and drop him at school Monday morning, eldest is at Uni but has stayed at my place 5 nights out of the 7 during the summer break.
So then she mentions the big D and starts on whats the property worth etc. Basically it has negative equity. First time she has mentioned D and then followed up by saying she assumes we will do the separation for 2 years and a straight forward D.
If I could afford more, I would, I have the kids as much as I can and she is living beyond her means. So I now have to somehow find more money for maintenance otherwise go to court to split the marital debt, which I am not sure will be successful given she is on benefits.
This whole thing came about because I had started to get some long overdue improvements done to the house to get it into a fit state to sell if it came to that! Fairly minor stuff but obviously on her radar!
So if she pushes I may be staring bankrupty in the face! The annoying thing is she has no comprehension of the fact that she is living in a house that a married well of couple could barely afford and still enjoys luxuries like holidays. I have not been able to afford one for 2 years! My only luxury has been a cheap gym membership and horse riding lessons that I pay for.
Sorry to sound like a victim here but would welcome view on this.
Hope you've gained some clarity about what to do. The finances sound like the biggest problem at the moment. Your W doesn't sound v grounded in that department.
The last post of yours on my thread was really useful. Thank you for that. I've thought about what you said a lot. Now, you need to apply your wisdom to your own sitch.
Please keep updating and I wish you luck with it all. I hope that you're managing to keep a PMA.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Thanks for the comments. I have been away from the boards from a while. Yes, finances are a huge deal. Trouble is when I sought legal advice I was told no judge would pass on half of the marital debt to someone on benefits....and the child support agency will not consider debt as part of their calc on maintenance. I have known this all along...it is basically a lose, lose all round! Because I got some jobs done on the house W thinks I have found a pot of gold!
She now thinks I am hiding money from her and my sitch is pretty much fast forwarding into D because she wants what she is entitled to....she has even had the house valued (behind my back) to see if there is equity in it and is talking about pushing to sell it. There is very little equity (no where near to pay off the debts) which has built up over the last 12 months as house prices have increased v slightly.
All this also coincides with the fact that W gets a mobility car for son which is up for renewal....and guess what, she wants a fancy car like we had before because I paid the deposit on it.
In short no, not managing to keep up a PMA. Am fuming with W.
My old boss also contacted me last weekend and offered me a job in Dubai for a six figure salary. I am seriously tempted but deep down know I can't leave S....but it would sort the finances out!
W is the only person that I know that can leave a M, upgrade the house, still have holidays abroad and have not cut in lifestyle....all on what seems to be a very generous benefits system. Don't get me wrong I don't want S to live like a pauper. But it is a backward system that means the working person is fleeced whilst the person who did not work has never had it so good financially.
So, at the moment I have no plan for this. I am keeping conversations with W short to avoid me telling her exactly what I think.
Rant over, I should know that she is selfish, that it is about her and that she won't give my financial sitch a second thought...I was warned often enough about this time last year!!!
But if we carry on down this path I see no point of return. W thinks I am lying to her re money, I can't stand the sight of her at the moment.
I'm sorry, Rkyfat. It does sound all wrong with you being fleeced and her having it so easy. I'm not surprised you can't stand the sight of her.
Maybe you could see Dubai as a short(isn) term sacrifice for the good of the longer term. Your times with S12 in the future will be better if you're not under financial pressure and strain. It would also mean having a break from your W.
Sending you much courage.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
First Wendylon. Thanks for the advice and sorry I did not respond. I think I hit the 1 year hill and needed some time out. Plus the money, Dubai sitch meant I needed all the focus I could get. Basically DB went on the back burner for a while. I promise to catch up on your sitch too.
So, my sitch hasn't changed too dramatically other than lawyers are now involved re the money situation and I have opted to go for a formal separation agreement. The money issue had the potential to destroy my DBing so thought it best to leave it the lawyers and W seems content with that. At least she feels I am not purposely trying to get one over on her and that this is the fairest way forwards. So that is all in hand (hopefully!)
After much thought I turned the Dubai opportunity down. Yes it would have sorted the money issues out in a much shorter timespan. But S has been through a lot of upheaval these last 12 months and he would not understand why weekends at mine suddenly stopped. I did briefly discuss with W that I had been offered the move. She was quite balanced and could see the benefit re the money, she also said she couldn't cope if I did move abroad.
I did go to Dubai to meet the company etc as they invited me over to check things out. It is still a future option as the company were keen to say the door is not closed in the future if ever I wanted the move.
Generally still going through the push/pull dynamic still. I distance W texts, W distances I don't pursue. What I have noticed is that each phase of this can last weeks.
Things amicable with W and she still goes through weeks of saying little to then unloading on me at pick ups/drops offs.
No news or other signs re OM but there seems to be some reconnection with W and her family. She is going to a show with her sister this weekend which is the first time in a long while they have done anything together. W also had her brother over to stay for a few days the other week. The brother she was very angry with a while back.
I am carrying on as usual but the stress of the Dubai decision caused a bit of a backslide re gym and GAL....but back to it. I also went through a short phase of being done and when I spoke to my lawyer going for D was a real possibility. But I decided against it for now.
No more mention of D from W. I still feel a need to maybe mix things up a little as it still seems W could go on like this forever.
I will try and keep up with others sitchs a bit better going forwards. For now hopefully steering myself back on course!
