Need help detaching

[lost_hope]

He asked me to go for a walk today. We went and it was short but nice that he asked (it's one of my complaints about him). Now he's back reading the newspapers he bought. Normally I'd sit next to him and read also. But I want to give him his space so I'm staying downstairs (our condo is two floor). Ill call my mom now.

I was just thinking. It's going to be hard not saying ILY or not hearing it when or son is born. I bet anything my son will look just like him and even if not I will feel overwhelmed with love that day. What to do? Do I break protocol and just say it anyway? And just not expect it in return? Suggestions for handling this?

[lost_hope]

I'm sick today. Not deathly ill. But enough where it would be nice if H were to nurture me a bit. And I may even check into labor and delivery to make sure nothing is wrong with baby (seemed to be slight decrease in activity yesterday). Do you think he's concerned ? Well he may be but he's not showing it. And I had to go downstairs and fend for myself. It's so sad I'm not even upset about t really. It's just sad that's this is my marriage. And honestly this unemotional detached person is also who he is on a good day. That's why I needed to have my mom by my side after the c section.

Anyway so i "think" I'm ready to start to move on. Case in point at the bookstore yesterday instead if buying "5LL" I bought " how to heal a Broken heart in 30 days". I'm strategizing how i may meet someone else (next year after I'm settled with baby of course, he's my number one priority). I have to move on from this. My obsession with my H is not healthy.

If he doesn't want me and he wants to be a divorced dad with visitation of his newborn I'll grant his wish. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want to leave his baby. He feels stuck. So I'll let him go. It's not what I want at all. And of course if he drastically changes I'll consider staying. But I don't have any fight left in me.

I'm exhausted. And when my baby comes he'll my priority. I won't have any time or energy for my H or my M. And without me this will def fall apart. Anyway wish me luck guys. I may not update until after baby is born.

[planet]

Detaching is the most difficult thing to do.
And you are right, it's not time the time to think about H nor M.

I wish you all the strength to pull through this.

[lost_hope]

We got into huge fight. It's like he wants to keep reminding me that I'm going to be on my own. Thanks a- hole! I will be able to fully detach once were not living together 24-7. Just a few more weeks.

I also don't know when I should start discussing the terms of the D. My original plan was to wait until new year but that's bc I wanted to see if he'd change. Now unless its a drastic change (which it will never be) I'm not sure waiting does any if us any good. I suppose I could separate the finances and start with the 50-50 allocations right after the house closes (too messy and complicated to do now with all the costs were incurring now). Then we can take the few months leading up to new year to discuss terms (trying to avoid Ls if we can) and then still file in the new year. On the other hand there's no better way for me to show him I've moved on that to file for D. He'd be really shocked if i did that. Plus he said he's in no rush to S bc he is not ready to get remarried yet (translation, he wants to lerp me in limbo like he did last time). It still takes a year to finalize where we live so we still have time to work out terms (or even R).

[lost_hope]

So we're discussing our little guy and of course the topic of insurance cover age comes up. We need to add him to our health insurance. Then life insurance comes up. We decided as long as we are each others beneficiaries then our baby will be provided for. Then he said what if we both die at the same time. So I said we should provide for that in "our" will. He was kinda silent. So then I backtracked and said we could do two separate wills. He didnt respond to that either. It's hard not forcing discussions about the future when there a baby on the way!

I'm modifying my tactic a bit adding in a bit of Plan A. He seems to appreciate some of the things (my errors to be more tidy like he is) but I'm not sure it that will take us to R. It may be that he just appreciates it as a friendly gesture. This is the hardest trying to navigate through while preparing for baby.

He's almost here and I'm so excited! But I'm scared of how my H is going to treat me after. I feel like we're not going to have any family pictures bc he won't even want me to touch him I know it's all about the baby but I can't ignore that normal families will be celebrating as a family unit and I will likely have to celebrate on my own with him "around" but not engaged with me or us as a new family. That totally overwhelms me with sadness and apprehension.

[lost_hope]

Oh also how do you suggest responding to inquiries about my whereabouts? Sometimes when he cares he's really interested to know where I am and what I'm doing. I always end up answering truthfully and it's always something boring and predictable (food shopping, at his moms, book store). The difference now is that I no longer tell him in advance what I'm doing. Anyway last night I didn't tell him what I was doing and my phone battery died. I have an iPhone so I was able to see he called several times and then he sent a text asking of I'd fallen off the grid. My response was to call him as soon as I charged my phone and saw. Then I texted him what happened /where I was. Of course he didnt pick up or respond to my txt at that point (though to be fair he was at a night event for work). How should I have responded? Should I have just been more coy about what i was doing? Should I have just called once but not followed up with explanatory text?

[planet]

I could be wrong but based on what i've read here is that your reply text should be brief about where you were, little or nothing at all about what you did and you may to throw in 'I'm fine'.

[littleGTO]

lost_hope,

I am praying for you and your darling little baby-to-be! He will be so lucky to have such a loving mom!

You need to start focusing more on yourself now. Your baby is going to need one strong mama!

H may/ may not come around after baby is born. Time will tell. But, you will have unconditional love for this little guy like no other, so prepare to fall in love all over again!!!

[lost_hope]

Thanks liitleGTO. Despite everything my little son is really the bright line in my life. Come next week I will have no choice but to concentrate on his cute little face and take care of all his needs. I fully intended to be an attachment parent (ironic the term, eh, I need to detach from my H and I want to attach to my baby). The only thing I may not be able to do is b/feed (a) b/c I am having a c-section and that sometimes wreaks havoc on milk supply and (b) I will be taking meds to deal with my anxiety and precent PPA/PPD and I don't believe in medicating and b/feeding at the same time (though I know there are meds that you are able to do it). Anyway ... all that to say yes, you are correct. It has been hard to detach from H and from my M for obvious biological reasons in addition to the normal ones we all feel, but I am looking forward to meeting my little guy.

I realized last night just how cold and detached my H is ... In the midst of (another) argument he blurted out something along the lines of sometimes he wakes up and he feels we can make it but then I do (fill in the blank with the litany of his complaints about me) and it all goes sideways and that he is withholding affection pending his "decision". I told him not to insult my intelligence and that I know exactly how he feels by the lack of affection he shows me. (Unfortunately although the reason is different now, I know his game exactly b/c he did this to me for about 6 months two years ago -- that time it was for EA that I of course discovered by accident).

I'll know exactly when it is he thinks we can work it out by his actions not his empty words. Honestly I just HATE the way he makes me feel worthless and that he's doing me some big, grand favour by "sticking around" and that he gets to decide months and months later whether we can work. Not by talking to me, not by going to counseling, not by reading a M help book (which he did last time by the way when we were apart, I found out later), but just by doing nothing. It actually made me sick to my stomach and I still am sick. And I angry at him and not hiding it. So long PMA! We have to do some stuff for the house closing today so it will be interesting. I am going to try to limit my anger to just not talking to him much but I won't get into any arguments or anything.

[Makingchanges]

Hi lost, my heart goes out to you. I am still new to all of this, but it seems we both struggle with detaching. I let my W's choice to S/D affect me in a negative way. You have to remember that the only thing you can control about that is how you choose to react to THEIR choices. You need to be happy and healthy for yourself and your little one. Focus on that and choose to be happy and healthy. I look forward to seeing your growth.