It was so good seeing her and D6 again. Big hugs, smiles, gifts and everything!
W slept an hour while I prepared dinner and played with Ds. After dinner we went to the beach and then we put Ds to bed. Everything was so nice up until they slept except for one little incident. W checked her post and found a bill from D6s new school – quite a large one – I saw the anger in her eyes when she looked at it!
After kids slept W started talking about her moving out and as I had agreed with coach I stated my wish to schedule when to talk about three issues: Talk-to-children, dividing stuff and her moving.
She took over and told me we had to agree on custody. Somewhere along all of this she has gotten to a point that 7/7 isnt the right thing to do. She wants 9/5 and she stated that I have said this is also what I want. I went through the roof internally but didn’t show. I told her that I was sorry if I had given this impression and that I didn’t understand how I gave it. I backed rather quickly remembering not to discuss and told her that I would give this some thought until tomorrow but also that I wasn’t going to fight her over this since that would only hurt children and us. She then told me that I could come by and bla bla bla – well-meant stuff but the case is simply not all right. I can’t do anything about this. If it goes by law I will have less for certain! And therefore this can never be a boundary or anything to fight about – I will lose this even before it is started! That’s the way it works in my country. So 9/5 will be it!
Talk with children will be on the 22 or 23 this month. I told W that we had to prepare for this one!
W is under a lot of pressure right now. Planning, preparing the new house in regards of fixing things and painting, moving out, she has work and a lot of stuff to do and she properly has a lot of the same feelings as I do. She could be worse than me – except the point that she looks forward to moving out (mindreading, I know!)! I didn’t offer my help! – I simply don’t feel like helping her out on this one! I have told her this earlier so I didn’t state it again. SIL will properly come for some days to help out. W asked if Ds could go to MIL and stay there for some days. I told her that I had planned to enjoy them as much as possible up until talk. She attacked me and said “They will be there afterwards as well” but I didn’t bite on this and just told her “I know that and I guess you also know what I meant”.
She also twice mentioned me getting it my way about WHEN to talk to the children. I was so close to mentioning that this was only due to her own bad planning. Old me would have killed her on this one! New me let I pass by me and didn’t comment. Old me and new me is still fighting in my head over this one.
At some point we had a very long period of silence and I told her that I wasn’t angry or anything but I felt somewhat sad that our communication about custody had been that bad. She agreed and we left it there!
We agreed on going through the house with paper and pencil together. I have read up on this. I have listed the things I really wants and things I would like – so I guess I am prepared for this one.
Then she asked me how I would like to plan the moving. I told her that I have two concerns. Mainly what to do in regards the children – to make sure this is the least hurtful to them. Second I would like to have the list of things she takes so I can be prepared and fill the gabs quickly. Thereby I left it all with her in a decent way - I hope! I could easily have planned and scheduled everything in three minutes, but this is her project to plan and thereby not mine!
She went off to bed totally wasted but without scheduling anything! I remained seated when she went off so no hugging - just touching hands!
Talk was OK! I felt controlled and do think I looked that way as well! I believe I did OK! I still find these talks hard! Listening, maintaining eye contact and validating is hard enough in itself, but when feelings are rushing through and your head is working all along it is nearly impossible to me to get it right. Patience is important but so is practice!
Some touching has been going on: She placed D4 on my bad spot in the groin and I went to my knees – she comforted me! She told about the experience in the plane and cried – I comforted her! And then some! She seems determined as always but still nice and pleasant to be around! A bit edgy but that’s properly due to the day she has been through and the program she is facing the next three weeks.
The turmoil from the last two days is gone! I feel controlled again! Even took myself looking at W and thinking that she is gaining a lot of weight these days and also looking wasted. I didn’t feel physical attracted to her in that moment! That’s a new one! I feel good and calm. I guess I need clarification about things and I got some this evening. I am not giving her any answers at the moment. She is doing the work and I still follow along and state the few boundaries I have in all of this. Hopefully the next few days will bring more clarification and help me focus on me! The 9/5 – 7/7 issue is $hitty but I can’t do anything about it so I will just move on from here! AT the same time it has one major advantage. I will try to schedule custody with S10 and Ds with and overlap. Thereby I will have days with all three, days with S10 and days with Ds - It will be great having them together and separate! I will continue looking for the smallest chance to bring an M-talk to the table but not a chance in a million years this evening.
Tomorrow I am off to the CT-scanner! Hopefully this will give me some answers!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Two issues that were brought up yesterday have been haunting me since.
1/ W told me I got it my way in regards of talk to the children. That’s not the truth! I did get it my way and could have done something about it but she could as well! She didn’t and now she is properly blaming me for this, Should this be addressed?
2/ In regards of the custody she also changed and her explanation simply isn’t OK. I can’t prove anything but I can surely state my opinion in this regard. I went very soft on this and simply backed out yesterday. Should I address this one?
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
1. Let it go. Some people are going to believe different things than you. It sounds like scorekeeping and controlling to want to argue this particular point when you could just ignore it. So you dont agree, so what? What important thing will be improved by your insisting that shes wrong about whether you wanted the date you tell the kids to be the date that it ended up being. It sounds kind of childish to pursue that point. I would see if you can possibly just let that go. The date the kids are told is one point on a line of infinite points and in six months whether they were told in april june or september is going to be insignificant. Dont fight to win a prize that is irrelevant.
2. Yes, talk to your w about whats best for the kids, let her know you had really wanted 7/7. You said before that you have no leverage and the law would give you even less than 5/9, but you should tell ber how you feel so she knows. Its not you vs her its your kids. What is 5/9 anyway? If its every single weekend are you ok with that? Is w going to be ok with having none of their weekend time? Think about things like that and discuss them from a standpoint of how will it work in practical terms, what will give the kids what they need, and what will enable you both to rebuild your lives. Give her some of your thoughts to consider and hear her views. Really listen though. You two both sound like you keep score a lot, and how does that benefit the kids? But in short, if you are correct (is lawyer in agreement?) that she is in the drivers seat on custody then you have to appear very reasonable when voicing your disagreement because of your stated concern that you could end up with less if you go about it the wrong way. Imo it is not bad for a father to speak up for wanting his kids, respectfully and with their best interest as the primary factor.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
As for the first I agree with you! I got the doubts thinking about it all! I did act this way yesterday and won’t do anything further. In regards of scorekeeping you could be right even though I do not see it this way. I will give your words some thoughts.
And then the second: I my country custody can be a lawyer and court thing but it is very rare. The government has employess that handles these things and normally the mother is awarded most time. I guess the standards are 10/4 or 11/3 wich means 11 days at morther and 3 at father every two weeks. 7/7 is an equal split. W and I did have an agreement on 7/7 – it was as clear as water IMO! Yesterday she suggested 9/5 and the told me that I could always come by and all of that stuff – still well meant! If I “fight” her in this area I will almost certainly lose and come of worse – that’s just the system here! I will speak my mind but I will do it extremely carefully!
W and I haven’t discussed matters any further today but I do believe we will tomorrow!
Thanks again! F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
We were all up in the morning and had a splendid start on the day! W and I talked some about her vacation and I believe this was if not the first then one of few times when we really talked in the last many weeks! The subject was raising children and the problems around S10. We bonded during this talk – it was nice! We have also interacted al lot around children’s. W brought up something about moving after dinner in some short statement about buying paint. Otherwise no talk about anything in this regard.
I got scanned. Since I won’t have any answers until tomorrow or Monday I will just apply some patience. It was blood this morning again! I chose to call W so she could see! I won’t risk her thinking that I am worsening things or anything like that! The problem got totally crazy this evening. At some point the pains got extreme and a bump/swelling at the size of a small plum rose in my groin. We both looked at it – it was totally alien style and quite scary. I had to lie down due to the pains and in less than a minute swelling and pains disappeared. When I got up it came back. Lie down again and it disappeared and has been gone since! W helped my take a picture to show the doctors! I really need some answers on this one soon!
Beside this the day has been pleasant for me but again quite stressful around W. She is having major problems handling the Ds and her own temper – they have been fighting a lot. Last week D4 was simply an angel and she still behaves quite nice around me – but not around W. D6 and W had a MAJOR fight this evening. These things affect her a lot and I really understand why!
Hopefully I will talk to doctors tomorrow and then W will have to go to the new house so Ds and I will have 4-5 hours to ourselves. Saturday I am visiting friends in the evening and staying over and Sunday I have planned a movie with other friends. MIL, SIL and SILs D will be staying here some days next week to help W get the new house painted.
I have felt some of my hope coming back today and that’s good – my PMA is better!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Yes F, drop the whole idea of "fighting" her for the kids. But assert your wishes and ask questions. Your wish is to have as much time with them as possible, possibly even a complete life for them with you as much as with their mom, hence 7 days in a row of real-life time including school, homework, bedtime and weekend fun.
You have a right to ask respectful questions of how her new plan meets the kids needs for their mom and their dad, and listen because you just might end up agreeing with her. Maybe at their ages they're more needy of their mom, or something I and you haven't thought of. Hear her out. If you end up going along with the 5/9 plan (which by the way I compliment you on how you turned that into a positive in your mind) go with the understanding that you'd like to revisit it periodically to see if equal time is an option down the road. I think the key is that you have no leverage at all, as you say, other than her goodwill, so your best chance is to maintain that goodwill. Not by caving and letting her win, but by losing the scorecard entirely and making the best possible out of a bad situation for your kids.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sorry to hear what was going on with your medical issue, hope all is better soon.
Adinva is right, another thought I had is asking your W if the 9/5 split is because she cannot afford to not receive support. If you can swing it to have the kids 7/7 but pay her the support as if it were a 9/5 split, she may be okay with that. If you decide to try this, don't bring it up with the question about support because she will be defensive. Just say something like "I really thought we agreed on 7/7 and that is my preference. If you want to switch because you feel it is best for the girls, I would like to hear your thoughts on that. If it is because of the way child support works, perhaps we could work out officially as 9/5 so you get what you need but we actually do 7/7 so it works best for all of us"
I know it is coming close, I am sorry. I hope you are doing okay - you sound it.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
