I guess I'm finally going to start to take Bond's advice and get my balls back. If she spews D I will calmly tell her where the door is if she wants to leave or feel that will bring her happiness. I've done to much reading today on WAS and how the stats of them returnig are low. They do exactly what they do to Crimson and I. Come back and then run again if they "perceive" any old behavior. I guess I will live as a roomie for now. I have been now for 2 months. At the end of the day handling MLC or WAS there is no logic to it. You need to detach and work on thyself.
I feel like I need to set more boundaries this time around. Something I've been chicken to do because of fear.
lol, PON. You are talking about "the four agreements"? That was T^2 that recommended it, I've never heard of it before.
We're always here for you PON. Now I've made mention about the similarities between you and Crimson and how the sitches are likely to diverge in similarities as time progresses.
I'm now going to mention the similarities between your and wfm's sitches.
Like wfm, you're having a tough time detaching. You appear to be thinking that talking about yourself in relationship to the sitch, is focusing on you.
Do I agree with Bond that you need to "balls up"? Sure.
Do I think that means telling her where the door is when she starts spewing? No.
Look, you don't have to deal with the spew. If she starts spewing, you could a) tell her you won't be spoken to, that way, and then leave her presence, or b) leave her presence.
Telling her where the door is, might just have her use it. Right now you might think that's OK, but later... probably not so much...
Whereas when you enforce your boundary by not being near her when she spews, you aren't telling her to use the door. It becomes a choice she would make, of her own accord. Not something she can blame you for, even while that really doesn't matter as she'll blame you, anyhow.
How does that relate to wfm? (wfm, I suspect you're wondering the same). It doesn't, except...
PON, you need to focus on you. Yes, you can come here and vent. What becomes truly YOU focused is when you start talking about how you are going to your al-anon sessions, what you are learning about, how you are growing, these people that you are meeting are cool and you've started doing some other things with them, or joined the local knitting club and learning how to save money by darning your socks, rather than throwing them out...
If you want to vent and say, "man, it pist me off when my W started spewing, and so I left the room because I won't be spoken to that way", that's fine... Follow that up with, "I then remembered that's her problem, and I went to finish painting peace signs on S7's bike".
or alternately, saying, "I have been working out at the gym and look real awesome and wish W would notice" is not you focused, FTR. Whereas saying, "I have been working out at the gym and have changed my clothing slightly and I look totally awesome and the chick at the daycare noticed"... THAT is YOU focused.
GOT IT !! trying to remember it is different. Work in progress! TX!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Also KD my wife not spewing . Near silent treatment and zero affection . I'm still in bedroom because we have king size bed a dog and daughter as buffer and I chose not to move out .
She only spews If I temp check or start any r talk
And when she DOES spew, remember that it still remains the same. YOU are the one who instigated the spew, so pushing her buttons and then telling her where the door is... a good idea... it is not...
What you are getting with the silent treatment is somewhat like wfm. And it's frustrating as all h e double hockey sticks.
So again, rather than saying, "I came home and was really pleasant and told W all about my great work day and that I got a $5 an hour raise and she walked out of the room without saying anything"... which would be W focused... You would say, "What a great day, it was pleasant and on my way out of work, boss told me I'm getting an extra $5/hour. So I went home, told my W, then went and finished painting peace signs on S7's bike."
You have mentioned several times about your wife's silent treatment. It seems to really bother you. I get it - I do - I have been on the receiving end of the silent treatment many times!
Here's the thing... Treat the silent treatment just like you would spew - walk away.
You can't control if she talks to you or is nice to you. You can control your reaction if she isn't.
I personally believe there are times when the MLCer justs wants to be alone with their thoughts. They can't do that if we are trying to chat with them.
Then I think there are other times when they are in a mood, and they may try to reel you into their drama. Don't take the bait.
If she wants to be quiet/pouty/miserable - for whatever reason - let her.
Show her that you have better things to do than deal with her moods.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
