"You know they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That's not true. You can be doing fine, be strong and healthy, and then something in life comes along and breaks you. You don't die, but you are broken and it will always be a part of you. You can heal, but the scars will be there, and it will always be a weak point for you. The trick is learning how to live with the broken part. You have to accept that it will always be there and learn a new way to live with it being a part of you. You adapt to the situation. That's just how life is, everything changes, even you."
This morning is my anniversary! I woke up alone, h is working hard for that money!
I'm trying to see, really see, and be honest with what I had in a M vs what I wanted in a M. It helps me determine what I'm standing for, and if it's what I really want or am I just playing a role I think I should be playing, because it is M after all, it's suppose to be for life!
I am the dutiful W, who excused a lot of neglect and loneliness as life in the middle class. Hard working h, house, 4 kids, dog, homeschooling, sports, you name it, I used it. But, that's craP! I have allowed him to treat me as last on his mind to take time for. As the sacrifecable! As long as I made a good invoice and kept the F life at bay, he was free to work.
My h is a workaholic and I made it easy for him to do that and still come out with a family, he may be right, he should have stayed single!
I have no H, I have a paycheck! That's not what I wanted in a M! I'm sorry for those of you reading that are struggling, I do appreciate one thousand percent that he works, I will never take that away from him!
I am saying that I believe life is about a healthy balance of everything and everyone in it! I just want to be part of that balance as a W, hell just as a women! I know h can't do that for me, his goal is to feel he has successfully taken care of this F.
So he broke when it looked like he was failing! MLC is is new goal, do it, do it well! Work harder, neglect harder, be harder!
What am I going to do? Well isn't that the million dollar question? Sorry, I'm from Chicago, we tend to be snarky! I'm just sad today, what does dinner or a hug or a card really cost a person? Well, to an MLCer, I guess it's like death! I don't want to be mean or snarky toward him, I guess that's why I came here this morning!
This was almost going to be a text to h at work today! I know, not good!
I need to find me...the problem is I don't think she's ready to see the true fallout of this M, that's scary! I am ok for the most part, realistic for the most part, but unsure of where to go from here.
I think it's time to spend some $$$ on calling a coach here and getting some me perspective, and where I am really at in regards to this M.
Hi, Mizjjd,
Thanks for asking, all in all I'm ok, I just over think everything, and worry too much! I'm going to go have a good Sunday by my self for now! Hope your day is great!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and i am in no position to give you advice right now... I also have 4 kids. 3 teenagers and a 10 yr old.. I am living my life by setting an exemple of goodness and i am struggleing because i desagree with my ex-h' s lifestyle. I get angry when they talk about him.. And by me doing so, i dammage them.. I hate what this is doing to ALL OF US ...
arresting little paragraph- sad but true. i've often scoffed at that tired old "whatever doesn't kill ya..." thinking yeah, so there you sit maimed beyond repair- but hey- not dead.
wooopie. you're quite the articulate one. hope you are doing okay. i'm reading further - had to comment.
glad to hear you out there today- hope your day is going okay. sad for your bad start. i've been gardening- yanking weeds and digging and cutting and so on (sometimes cursing -in my head) and burning off the - well, crappola in life.
relatively okay mood- sorry tohear you are blue. THE OTHER DAY you had said something about your anniversary coming and i realized with a shock that i'd forgotten totally that we always celebrated our "not" anniversary in beginning of may, when we moved in together allllllllllllllllllllllllll those years ago. it went by and i didn't even remember - not one stinking thought. what a bum i've become. HOWEVER- IN KEEPING with my new m.o.- too darn bad. i used to be so nice and thoughtful.
i'm FROM NEW JER5SEY- WE'RE SNARKY AS WELL. sarcasm- well, what can one say. it covers SOOOO MUCH. it's who we are- we're wiseguys a bit- it's part of our charm - rite??? who wants a sweet ole sugarpie sitting there all the time adoringly- eeeek....
you're very pensive today- and i share your quandry. i may not have four kids - and i may not in fact be married- but i was once- my level of commitment and devotion is not less. it's paramount in my life- what to do and be now that it is dashed. therein the snaggle - for us all - huh?
soooo easy to say this, decide that, etc.- i agree with you:
Quote:
I am the dutiful W, who excused a lot of neglect and loneliness as life in the middle class........ that's craP! I have allowed him to treat me as last on his mind to take time for.
ditto dearie. i bet there are tons of us feeling the same. we even protect and defend them to the world. my h's dad said a few times at a dinner table full of people he never should have had kids- what a jerk...
sometimes i think of that when i wonder how the heck the man i thought was sooooooo great (and i've always had a good instinct with people- well, til now anyway) turned into such a giant putz. when i consider his last comment" you're frreee to come to fla when ever you want as long as you know i'll go "out of town" now and then. " can you die- the selfish pig.
he doesn't get it- if i ever do blow - he'll be such a surprised guy. IT'S A MAN THING- THROW MONEY AT THE PROBLEM AND IT WILL GO AWAY. and if it doesn't go away- don't talk about it( MEANING - DON'T LISTEN TO THE OTHER GUY'S FEELINGS (THAT's waaay to hard when you're the one causing the pain to them) and then it ISN'T THERE. and FOR GOD SAKE - BUY the natives some trinkets nad beads - they will forget you've caused them years and years of pain & hell-
ugg - shiney bead - girl like..... girl feel all better - man soooooo big & brave. me like...
i thnk my h paying the bills kind of puts me exactly where you are (sans verbal expression of my worth - if i have any) - he has the money.
i always thought it was my part of the "bargain" - take care of everything in the world because he works and wins the bread- be loving and nice and understanding, etc.
oh boy- where the heck did i go wrong with that- donna reed anyone???
Quote:
What am I going to do? Well isn't that the million dollar question?
i'd say write us all alot of ratty things about h and let him have it - we really do understand. It's "not you really" - it feels good sometimes to just drop the nice girl attitude we were raised with- the one that these guys LOVE - that attracted them - you know, so they could bash our hearts into the ground - lie- cheat and all the while we understand, put good spin on bad behavior- etc.
we can drop it sometimes- even if it's not 'WHO WE ARE" - it feels good to be awful now and then. well- i feel good sometimes to just say alot of horrible things- sometimes it even makes me laugh when i get totally beyond the pale with it- - -
MAYBE HE'LL come home and surprise you- even if it's a memory or a word- one never does know. your h talks at least - fingers crossed.
I AM SAYING TO you - good woman for allll those years of being a great mom and spouse- you deserve a big ole medal- (or something) all of us here appreciate the years of devoted service & love....
Quote:
I need to find me...the problem is I don't think she's ready to see the true fallout of this M, that's scary! I am ok for the most part, realistic for the most part, but unsure of where to go from here.
I think it's time to spend some $$$ on calling a coach here and getting some me perspective, and where I am really at in regards to this M.
HEY WOW- that's definitive. i've thought of it a million times- then chicken out. i can't find my own bottom line- and i guess maybe i'm afraid whatever i hear will influence me beyond what ever i feel or think. if they say forget it baby- it's done and done - maybe it might push me into hanging on- I AM SOOOO CONTRARY- I HATE ANYONE PUSHIGN ME AROUND (WHATTA JOKE HUH?) AND i tend to go in the other direction-
OR - IF THEY SAY YOU GOTTA HANG ON- LOOK AT THIS SIGN AND LOOK AT THAT SIGN - and then i'll be thinking- oh man, i have had it- i can't do this anymore.... blah blah blah.
i hope you find your inner girl- mine is , well, lost at the moment.
I did spend a rainuy dreary nite along fri and i was tired and i was alone- but not (gut wrenchingly LONEYLY) I NOTICED. it was a big big "first".
I gardened today and did some chores, and wrote a wise-guy response to my pompous a$$ sister who takes herself soooo serioyuslh- sense of humour returning.
I am going to go cut out some clay & paint when i'm done here- something or another is perking along and i'm becoming a bit more of who i was.
DAWN- YOU'RE AN amazing little gal- you say things that bowl me over sometimes- the insight and the "right on point" . i know what you're feeling- i wish i could fix it. you'll find you- you'll find your way.
it's frustrating to WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT... but THAT's the whole db "thing" isn't it? have patience, wait, wait on them to get thru their journey (if possible) because you can't fix it, them, anything.
it's the hardest thing in the world - to NOT do anything in the face of allll this trouble & pain....
your strength has been soooo inspiring to us all - and saved me more than once-
be of good cheer- there will be an end someday- and it will be the proper & correct end for you- whether with h or without- YOU SAID IT YOURSELF
SIT QUIETLY AND WISDOM WILL COME. go out in the garden, have some wine or a scone or tea or go to the mall and see some people- buy yourself something pretty for allll the years and tears and all this awful crappola -
you take care of you- it's true- when you value you, others do too. i'm not winning that battle at the moment- but i'm seeing the wisdom- we can do it-
we are soooo worthy of love and respect and ALL OF LIFE'S GOOD THINGS- THEY WILL come again- we just don't get to pick when.
think something positive- look at yourself in the mirror and make you laugh-
TODAY i'm thinking you and i are merely marking time- gaining patience (wisdome of some sort) and we're impatient to get on with our lives. you're alot younger- but even at my age- i am thinking i'm wasting my time & life alot of the time.
this business of sitting waiting- killing time- "wasting my life" ... it gets to me. i may not have something wonderful to do otherwise - but sometimes anything has got to be better than this limbo stuff. maybe for me it's all about lables - what i call it.
i used to think LOVE warranted all or any work or sacrifice. if it's not that- i don't know anymore why we do anything for anyone.
talk about "stuck" .
i'm thinking of alot of your prior comments this morning-
People here say it- TODAY I BELIEVE IT - this db forum is FOR US to get out of their tunnel.
like you - i don't think my h is THE person i'm going to end up WANTING to spend my life with. sooo much water under that bridge- sooo much pain cheerfully heaped on another person- says soo much about his underlying character.
doesn't it really say something about the man? -
well, do we ever forget all the way- no. do we continue to feel what we did- maybe not. maybe, but maybe not. i've got attachment - true- what exactly it is - don't know- can't figure it out now. i can probably forgive and maybe forget- i don't know after that.
i'm on hold (emotionally) here awaiting- SOMETHING. WISDOM??
YOU know, your little sit still and it will come...
i'm thinking today - i'm viewing it all as MY TIME and MY CURE to ride thru this- giving myself the permission to fumble and fall and sit here like a dork- undecided, unable to throw him out the window- unable to change him - or it or anything...
that's all. i do not have big fancy hopes for him being the guy he used to be. i don't have big fancy hopes for our r being what it was - (it could be something - i don't think he'll make it happen as it would have to. - i don't see him turning back into a normal person).
my h and his r with ow- your h and his r with the object of his pity(?) who he's saving -
i don't know- honestly. the devotion these guys are pouring onto them- it is their own neediness that inspires it- but how does that help you and me.
maybe for your h it's depression and can be pulled back from. mine, i don't think so. today- in the light of day- if i'm honest - i think he's just a guy i thought was quirky- but it's lack of values (similar to mine) honesty being chief one. a lifestyle if you will - or a character flaw -
i think it's who he was- and i just never knew. now i do- whattyado about that? knowledge... seems today like it's there forever and no backs.
i don't know aboutyour h and the depression- out of my realm of experience. i listen to you- i can feel as dispirited and "done" as you-
i'm riding thru this- i can do one more day- i can hopefully NOT speak up today- that is all.
SO- WHAT ABOUT YOU. ARE YOU FEELIN ANY BETTER? DID YOUR ANNIVERSARY GO OKAY- was your weekend okay despite it all?
i hope so - i'm sorry not to be more cheerie today. nothing bad goin on here- just some icky reality junk creeping into my head this morning.
i am going to try and allow myself some kind of "relief" from feeling pressured to understand, act, figure, etc.
we're just being swept along in this mlc tsunami- unable to get out of the water- hoping not to get hit by some floating car- who knows, maybe today one of us will brush up against a tree still standing and get a foothold above the tide -
Thanks for stopping by! My kids are a bit older and they just don't care or get involved. I'm sad for that because he was a tender, sweet man, who would still die for them, but can't really sit w them.
No matter what the age, they do have their say about their dad, don't they!
Hope you find peace!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
that's all. i do not have big fancy hopes for him being the guy he used to be. i don't have big fancy hopes for our r being what it was - (it could be something - i don't think he'll make it happen as it would have to. - i don't see him turning back into a normal person).i am going to try and allow myself some kind of "relief" from feeling pressured to understand, act, figure, etc.
We are our own worst enemies, reading stuff between the lines that THEY don't put there; hoping that the vague, noncommittal comments they make are hints or omens of more to come. Take what he says to mean exactly and ONLY what the words mean, and in a GENERAL sense for that exact moment.
The words we read into this situation do the most harm to us, in most cases.
Quote:
doesn't it really say something about the man? -
At this point it is pretty moot! None of that matters anymore! Today and tomorrow is what we have control over, and ourselves!
Quote:
TODAY i'm thinking you and i are merely marking time- gaining patience (wisdome of some sort)
That's right, the gift of time! Nero, we are lucky to have that. I read about NLW and she is struggling, I want to drop a house on her xH. You and I are being cared for by our neglecters, we must use this time wisely, as you have deff been doing these past few months. I have never been independent so I need to learn from you, who's doing such a great job of getting out there.
I picture you a strong women. I have never heard of a weak wimpy red head! So yea, give yourself a break and feel the relief!
((((((()))))))) dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
They sure do.. I know i worry to much and pay to much attention to details. They don' t agree with his life choices either. They know it is wrong to jump from woman to woman but they can' t change him. They also know that his words and actions don' t match. What matters to me the most are my 4 children... I have to look at THEIR words and actions.. They are real good kids. They have good values, good friends, good grades.. teenagers expected behaviors from time to time. lol But overall, they are my pride and joy ! This might sound ridiculous but it is like i worry about them liking OW and walking out on me like he did.. Eventho i know i am a good mother like i was a good wife.
