The past few months have been okay....and well thats about it. I ve been so busy working and keeping myself busy that mentally and physically Im starting to show some wear and tear. The past few days I have felt like crud and when I try to talk to my H about it he gets very snappy with me.
H has had some positive changes but at the same time our core problems have not changed, H still does not really like me and I feel that he tolerates me only because he cannot live on his own (as in he cant afford to, not because he is physically incapable or anything)
I have talked to him about this in the past only to have him snap/yell/be sarcastic with me and I cant think of a way to effectively get my message across to him that I dont want to be treated like this and I dont want to be consigned to a loveless/sexless marriage (going on 8 months now)
Its simply too lonely for me and I am thinking about returning home to the USA for an undecided amount of time. I dont plan to divorce, still dont want it, but I dont want to be mistreated and I dont want my H to think that being complacent with our sitch is okay.
I am short on ideas and I dont know what I can do to keep more postitive changes coming my way. H seems to be complacent with the sitch and doesnt want to do much for his depression (one of our major issues) but doesnt want to initiate anything with me.
Does anyone have any advice or ideas?
So far what has worked for me is: *doing things on my own without asking or telling me H my plans, being spontaneous and enjoying my time with friends. *Keeping myself busy in the home (though im not there so often anymore due to work) and engaging in my hobbies in his presence. Keeps conversations to a minimum and light and pleasant. *Not questioning my H about anything other than basics (what do you want for dinner, ect) *Letting him know that I am okay with leaving if that is what he really wants and that I am prepared to go home at anytime.
I just have no idea what to do next and I am getting discouraged....
It seems like you are doing a good job of staying out of his way, but there are ways that you can interact with him that are more likely to bring him closer and not push him further away. Please call me to get information about the DB coaches. They are experts on guiding you step by step of what to do. You will be much more in control having a coach in your corner! Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
As nice as that would be karen, I am in Japan and I dont think i can make that sort of long distance call. Do the DB coaches do skype or any sort of internet based call service?
Hi chill get a life of yours, don't be so dependent, the more you follow a shadow the farther it gets, when you turn it will follow you, just go back to US and let it go if it was yours it will come back, if you got some one who doesn't respect your feelings, ur already dead for them emotionally. Stay away from such bad emotions empower your self, some one said make frinds to things and people that make you stronger not weaker
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
Your too emotional and rigid in your ways, bring the aura from when you meet him, rekindle the memory, be kind, don't react, have patience, meditate, know eastern culture and strenghts, boost his ego, set you ego aside, have some compassion, tone your self down to be a eastern women , try respecting others who are not like you, be open and flexible to other mediocre options, embrace failure. You cannot win every thing, he is passive aggressive most eastern men are and cannot stand a women telling them how to live there life. Your personalities clash big time opposites attract intially in honey moon phase and repel as things get used to ESP after marriage. Connect emotionally first, he sees you like loud mothed, critical, over powering american. Show him you can be hurt and vulnerable, express fellings, don't be so cold and matter of fact like. Show him kindness, the mother like qualities the softer yin female energy, your personality looks more dominant and male like. Sorry if I am so honest but that's what I got from reading your feb post, I want you to be happy
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
Just realized after talking to sister, I should have not put her on spot and given telephone to her to tlak to my mom, still don't get her at emotional state, she has this huge emotional barrier she is trying to clear, I need to give time and space
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
Very sorry this reply is a bit late, been very busy with work and health issues.
At Brahmin, you are giving me two different sets of advice so I am a bit confused. I think you nailed it with the passive agressiveness with my H. I have been trying to open up to my H but he told me flat out its pressure he doesnt want. If i compliment him he thinks its pressure, if I try to be affectionate with him its pressure, if I tell him he is important to me he thinks its pressure. So I dont think I can win here and I dont think being more feminine to him will help because it hasnt up till now. If I leave him then I dont think he will bother trying to get me back because he life philosophy right now is living as easily (even at the expense of others) as possible. Unfortunately his family culture (not his national culture) seems to support this attitude.
Again, lately my H is asking me to contribute more financially to the home, which is unfair because we already split the finances 50% but he keeps asking me to buy new furniture and appliances but at the same time makes jokes like "the exchange rate isnt so good for Japan so you better by your plane ticket home quickly." I have refused to contribute any more to the home unless his attitude changes. This would answer rick 1963's question. I think my H is trying to take advantage of a good financial situation since I have refused to leave up till now.
Now the good things, H has been more affectionate with me and initiated love making the other day (first time in 8 months)....but honestly it felt so hallow I dont really think I want to do it again and afterwards he stated that he only did it because I wanted it. Nice thought that he did it just for me but I wish he would be a bit more emotionally honest. It takes two to tango right? I can take the good with the bad but something about how he said it was pretty twisted....
ive got more to share but I am at work right now and my break it almost up, will update tonight!
Learn his love language, read 5 Love langues, sorry my intial take is always aggressive primitive decision making, my later response is more thought through. Do some detective work will you, is he a porn addict or does he have any other gf, you should keep your finances even. Keep your cool, what's the deal with kids, get them into equation, get pregnant, some life changing events change people. Why don't you help him to empower, teach him to get busy to make more money, make love it could be one of his love language, emotional consistent connection. Unlearn some aspects which are habitual, do have marraige couselling or couple therapy there, find a common are to interact and spend meaning less time. Become a good habit
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
