Working on saving my marriage, again

[Lonely Room]

Hello all,

I don't post on the forum for more than a year now. You can get all the story of my marriage by reading my previous posts, but as a summary, my wife fell out of love for me 2 years ago and I was asked to leave.

We were separated without contact for almost half a year and suddenly she contacted me, saying that she would like to start seeing me from time to time. We started going out together, we became intimate again, we went on holiday and everything was really good.

In April last year she got pregnant (we didn't plan it) and had an amazing pregnancy, where we supported each other. Our boy is now 4 months old and he's the most beautiful thing in the world.

Shortly after our baby was born I started having some work problems that are now mostly resolved. The pressure of accommodating life around a newborn also proved to be very tiring and draining, as everyone knows. The fact is that at some point we stopped having time for ourselves and stopped enjoying life as we were before. I became a bit sad and snappy, I must confess. We had a few arguments in the last couple of months, were my wife cried.

We've been looking to move to another house and last weekend she mentioned that we should become better with each other before moving. This was the alarm sign that made me go into alert mode. Before that I was in a "trance" and I wasn't clearly seeing things and how she was feeling. That changed everything.

I started thinking a lot about the recent past, how I have been feeling, the things that I did for myself while separated and that turned me into a better person, and that I stopped doing at some point in the end of last year. I remembered about the hints that I could have noticed from my wife in the last few months that should have showed me that something was wrong.

I am scared now.

Very scared. I am afraid that my wife has lost her love for me again. I am scared of not being able to see my son, that beautiful child that I love more than anything and just thinking about it is bringing tears to my eyes right now.

I started doing some 180 degrees changes. In the last few days I am smiling more, I am polite and helpful to my wife. I started supporting some of her ideas that I discarded in the past. I am waking up at night when she feeds our baby and making her company, so that she doesn't feel alone in those times.

I already have some activities planned with friends and I plan to go out more often with them. I will resume my martial arts training tomorrow and will start going to the gym again on a regular basis and not just sporadically.

My wife suggested that we could go out for dinner with friends without our baby, and I supported that decision.

But I am very afraid that it's too late, that she lost what she got. I feel her colder, she doesn't respond to my hugs and I feel that her kisses are different. It might all be in my head, and she might just be going through a bad phase, but I can't stop thinking about it.

I am working on saving my marriage again. I know I shouldn't have stopped doing that from day 1, but I did. I'm not perfect, and as much as I learned from my past mistakes, I still made some of them again.

And I would like to hear you opinions and suggestions, please. I am asking for your help again, because it was with your help that I saved my marriage before.

Thank you very much for reading this long text.

[T1000]

It looks like you are scared the same thing will happen again and with good cause.

A newborn can be so tough. It's draining for everyone. Could she have post natal depression?

I wouldn't expect passionate hugs and kisses until her mind is in a good place and it sounds like it isn't right now.

Your supporting her and being a better you. It's good that she said
"we should become better with each other before moving."
She has noticed a problem and wants it to be better.

Have you spoke to her about how you feel? I get the feeling from your post that you havent discussed it much with her?
She isn't a WAW at this moment in time, don't be scared to talk to her.

This is all just my opinion. Hopefully a veteran will comment soon.

[Lonely Room]

Hello T1000, thank you for your comments!

We did have a couple of chats about the situation where my wife admitted that both of us haven't been good with the other and that we have to work on it. My previous post was mostly about myself, my faults, but I know that when problems happen in a relationship it's seldom the fault of just one.

I am afraid of us talking too much about the situation because I know she doesn't feel good talking about these things. And the more she talks and thinks about it, the more scenarios she creates and she feels trapped. So, I decided to speak with actions, like I did before.

I have much more to lose now than I had before and I think my wife knows that. Just the idea of not being able to bath, cuddle and kiss my son everyday, terrifies me. I don't know how I would cope with that.

This is all very new, not the situation but the changes in my mind to notice the problems and what has been happening in the recent past. I might be too negative, and seeing bad things where there's still hope and work to be done.

But I did notice that my wife is more distant, colder, that she doesn't have much patience for me. And those are really important alert signs.

Thank you again.

[AnotherStander]

We had a few arguments in the last couple of months, were my wife cried.

First I would make sure to do a 180 on this. Figure out how you can discuss things without it coming to this. My IC told me there are 3 levels of communication- child/ parent/ adult. If you're scolding a child for doing something wrong it's parent-child. If you are conversing with a coworker it's adult-adult. There is two way respect in adult-adult. There's not in parent-child. If your W ends up crying I suspect your arguments are parent-child (that's how it was in mine as well). Always strive for your communications with W to be adult-adult. For me, just hearing this and recognizing it was enough for me to do a full 180 on it. W and I have not had an argument since before BD. I just wish someone had explained it to me sooner!

and last weekend she mentioned that we should become better with each other before moving. This was the alarm sign that made me go into alert mode.

Don't panic! This wasn't another BD, it was just a warning. Be thankful she warned you this time! Do try to work on things, but don't overdo it.

I started doing some 180 degrees changes. In the last few days I am smiling more, I am polite and helpful to my wife. I started supporting some of her ideas that I discarded in the past. I am waking up at night when she feeds our baby and making her company, so that she doesn't feel alone in those times.

Great! Remember that 180's need to be CONSISTENT too. Don't do them a while and then stop, that'll send the message that they were just temporary tricks to get her back. Be consistent and make them permanent.

My wife suggested that we could go out for dinner with friends without our baby, and I supported that decision.

OK, now make it happen.

But I am very afraid that it's too late, that she lost what she got. I feel her colder, she doesn't respond to my hugs and I feel that her kisses are different. It might all be in my head, and she might just be going through a bad phase, but I can't stop thinking about it.

That whole paragraph is nothing but expectations. You need to drop the expectations! Do 180's because it's the right thing to do, not because you expect her hugs to be warmer or her kisses more loving. Those things will come in time. Be patient!

[Lonely Room]

Thank you AnotherStander, your words make sense to me.

There is a power unbalance in our relationship, and that was always a source of problems. I know this sounds bad, but she always adopted the role of the adored and I am the adorer. Because I adore her. The problem is that when I am low, sad and with problems in life, I snap at her as a way of dealing with things. And that's when the parent-child arguments kick-in, you are right.

I have much more to lose if this relationship ends than her, even much more now that we have a son. This only increased that unbalance. And my fears.

I know that we are still together, that things aren't as bad as they were 2 years ago (or so I hope) and that we both seem to be working to make things better. But I can't take off my head what happened before and the pain I went through. The pain that she also went through.

I am again investing all my energy on making things better. Work, money and such are now way down in my priorities list. I hope I'm doing the right things, I can't handle another separation, I don't know how low it will take me this time.

Thank you again.

[JuneReN]

Hey Lonely, I agree with AS and if I were your W, I would think that you did all that good work, got me back and now you don't care anymore, because your behaviour did not remain constant.

If I think this, she is probably thinking more of the same, that you didn't really change at all. I know it is hard to maintain the changes, especially when we find ourselves in familiar situations with familiar people. We sometimes revert to what we did before. You will have to do the 180s without let up and make the changes stick.

I like the fact that you said you would go out with the baby and W. Is this a 180 for you? What would you have said previously? I think W will be testing your mettle for a while and is just afraid that you will revert back at any time.

Also, a new baby is hard for everyone ((( )))

[labug]

Congratulations on the baby! There are wonderful but they add a new dimension to marriage.

Just a reality check, you have a 4 month old baby, your W is in a very vulnerable place right now.

First of all, what duties have you relieved your W of since the baby was born? Does she work outside the home? Do you have a regular 9-5 or shift work?

Just a couple of options. Instead of getting up at night with her (unless this is something she specifically requested) you sleep and then encourage her to sleep in, if possible, or you come home from work (or whatever) and take over baby duty. Encourage her to take a nap or a bath or whatever she feels like. Talk with her about how you can be most supportive of her. Have you read the Love Languages book? What you think is helpful/loving may not be so for her.

If she isn't breastfeeding, you can get up at night.

I question if you being away more is going to help her feel better about you if it means less support and help with the baby. You might want to reevaluate that 180.


Some men do become depressed after the birth of the baby. Take care of yourself.

Good luck.

[Lonely Room]

Thank you Inside Out and labug.

I work 9am to 5pm and usually get home around 6pm. I do the food, house cleaning and entertain our baby until he goes to sleep at 8pm. This includes bathing, playing, etc.. Lately my wife started helping with the bath also. My wife takes care of the washing and the dishes.

Indeed, house duties have been a big source of arguments between my wife and myself in the recent past. I felt snowed under and with no time for myself. This, alongside the problems I was having at work, turned me sad and a bit angry. She agreed to take up more responsibilities like cooking from time to time and also doing part of the cleaning.

Also, it was my perception that my wife takes decisions about our child without considering my opinion. This involves childcare, sleeping habits, etc.. When she lays those decisions on me I feel neglected and, again, sad and angry. This was also the source of a few arguments.

She fully supports my decision to re-start martial arts training and go out with friends, she actually suggested it a few times. I don't know if she does it so that I improve or so that she gets me out of the house because she doesn't like my presence.

I have been very dedicated to fix this problem and I think my wife is noticing. My only fear is that the damage is too much, like it was before, and that she eventually will find out, if she didn't find already, that she doesn't care for me any more and can't stand my presence.

Fear is a very strong feeling and it's slowing getting me down right now, I'm afraid that fear will mine my strong will to be more cheerful and a better company for my wife.

Thank you all again.

[JuneReN]

Don't forget, when you make you better, it allows you to make your relationships better as well. You said it yourself, when you feel low, you take it out on W as well. So, the focus needs to be also on making yourself a better companion for you.

[Lonely Room]

"If you're not happy with yourself, you're not happy with the world around you", that has been my motto since I hit the bottom 2 years ago. I rebuilt myself around that principle.

How did I let it go? How did I let myself get to this state? As I mentioned before, it's as if I was in a "trance", as if it was another person inside my mind. My ideas are now completely different, how is this possible from one day to the other? I guess it's the power of fear, the power of the simple idea of being separated from the two persons that I love most in this world. My wife and my son.

I know it's not my fault only. But I should have known better, I should have known what I suffered in the past and what is a stake now. But still, I let myself get sad, angry and bitter.

I can't take time back. Every time I see a reference to a date when things were better, I just wish I could transport myself there. But I can't.

I just hope it's not too late. I just hope my wife will kiss me again, will hug me and we'll truly laugh together. I just wish I could take my son to school until he can do it himself. I just which I can be there when my son says his first word. When he walks. When he knows who I am.